The Spider-Verse Is Already Big Enough

, , , , , , , | Related | February 13, 2019

(My husband and I have taken our three-year-old son to see “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.” He has been to movies before and is always quiet and completely enthralled by the movie. When Spider-Man first appears, he points to the screen.)

Son: *loudly* “Batman!”

(There’s scattered giggling from adults and older children. I shush him and speak in a whisper.)

Me: “No, not Batman. Remember? Mama told you that we’re seeing Spider-Man.”

Son: *also whispering* “Spi-yer-Man?”

Me: “Yes, Spider-Man. But we have to be quiet.”

Son: *whispers loudly and points again* “Spider-Man!”

(For the rest of the movie, he is silent as he eats his popcorn and sips his drink. But then, Miles Morales shows up in his black and red Spidey suit and:)

Son: *loudly and excitedly as he points* “IT BATMAN!”

(It seemed like the entire theater broke into a giggling fit at my son’s enthusiastic mistake.)

A Supersized Delayed Realization

, , , , , | Right | March 3, 2018

(I’m the dumb customer in this story. It’s 2015 and I order a combo meal at a fast food restaurant known for “supersizing” its meals; it’s such a part of this restaurant’s identity that a documentary was once made that incorporates this phrase in the title. I eat here occasionally, and though I’ve never before asked to have my combo supersized, I’m especially craving a lot of nice salty fries on this day, so I go for it.)

Me: “A number one combo, no pickles, please.”

Cashier: “What size?”

Me: “Supersized, please.”

Cashier: “Large?”

Me: “No, supersized.”

Cashier: “You mean large?”

Me: “Uh, supersized, please. The largest.”

Cashier: “Oh, a large, then.”

Me: *rather puzzled at the resistance to what I think is a pretty easy and common request* “Can’t you supersize it?”

Cashier: “Uh, no. I don’t think we don’t do that, anymore. Large is the largest size.”

Me: “Ohhhhkaaaay…”

(After lunch, I looked it up online and found that this fast food chain phased out its supersized option to much fanfare in 2004 — 11 YEARS AGO. I somehow went a decade without ever noticing this.)

 

It’s Still A Game If You’re Not Playing

, , , , , | Related | March 1, 2018

(While waiting for the Novocaine to kick in, I overhear a hygienist talking to a girl and her older brother. Note: before this exchange, the hygienist asked the children’s ages. They are seven and ten.)

Hygienist: “So, how did you guys spend your two days off from school?”

Girl: “We had fun with Mommy and Daddy!”

Mom: “Yes, we spent time together at the library, shopped at the mall, and played video games together.”

Boy: “Mom, we don’t even have any video games.”

Mom: “Yes, [Boy], you do. You have a Wii-U, a Nintendo Switch, and you both have iPad minis with games on them. You have plenty of video games.”

Boy: *scoffs* “Well, we don’t have the games I want, so it doesn’t count.”

Nope. Wrong. Please Tai Again.

, , , , , | Right | December 7, 2017

(Overheard while waiting in line to order Chinese food:)

Customer: *at counter* “…and then I’ll have the spring rolls.” *pulling out his credit card* “So, how long ago did you move here from China?”

Employee: “Oh, I’ve been here for 11 years. But I’m actually not from China; I’m from Taiwan.”

Customer: “Really? Then why aren’t you working at a Thai restaurant?”

Accio Freckles!

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 11, 2017

(Like many redheads, I have freckles, but the darkest ones are on my arms. I’m sitting in a comic shop with my husband and some friends, waiting for the [Trading Card Game] event to start, when a guy that’s new to the area starts talking to me.)

Guy: “So… is your hair naturally red?”

Friend: “[Guy]! That’s rude!”

Me: *waving it off* “I get asked that all the time.” *to the guy* “Yeah, it is.”

Guy: “Well, then, why are your eyebrows brown?”

Me: *shrugging* “I dunno. They were nearly the same color as my hair when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older, my hair’s gotten brighter and brighter to the point it looks closer to orange, whereas my eyebrows have gone more auburn.”

Guy: “Where are your freckles? I thought redheads had freckles?”

(Upon hearing this, my husband, who has been having a totally different conversation, grabs my arm, holds it up, and points at the freckles.)

Husband: “If she doesn’t have freckles, what are those? Chickenpox?”

Guy: *shaking his head* “No, I meant on her face.”

Me: *waving my hand in front of my face* “Yes, I do have freckles on my face. They’re just super light.”

(The guy’s eyes suddenly bug out as he stares at my face.)

Guy: *gasps* “Witchcraft! You didn’t have freckles a minute ago!”

Me: *chuckles* “Yes, I did. You just didn’t see them.”

Guy: *skeptical* “I guess.”

(He gets up and wanders away, and my husband laughs.)

Husband: “I think if you were a witch, you’d do more interesting tricks than that, right?”

Me: “D*** straight. I’d make my hair literally fiery. Like Chandra’s.”