Woman: *on phone* “You guys need to take that at-fault accident off my record.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t do that. You’ll have to dispute that with the DMV.”

Woman: “What’s that?”

Me: “The Department of Motor Vehicles.”

Woman: “Why can’t you take it off? You were the one put it on there.”

Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t put anything on your record. The DMV did. What happened in that accident?”

Woman: “I bumped into someone.”

Me: “So you rear-ended someone? What were you doing?”

Woman: “Drinking a beer.”

Me: “Drinking a beer? While driving? Ma’am, if you rear-ended someone and had an open container of alcohol in your car it would be two violations, possibly three.”

Woman: “See? There you go again, puttin’ stuff on my record.”

Me: “Right.”

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(It was literally three minutes before closing time, and someone called us.)

Drunk Customer: “Ehhhhhh hello?”

Me: “Sir, we are at closing time.”

Drunk Customer: “Oh… well, can I have a large cheese pizza and a cheeseburger?”

Me: “Sir, it is closing time. We’re done for the day. And we don’t serve burgers.”

Drunk Customer: “Okay, can you just… uuuhhhhh… make me a pizza really fast then?”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”

Drunk Customer: “COME ON! IT’S 10 PM, I’M HUNGRY, AND ALL I WANT IS A PIZZA!”

Me: “Sir, it’s 10:01. We are closed.”

Drunk Customer: *unusually calm* “Okay… I’ll go to McDonald’s.”

Me: “Good night, sir.”

Drunk Customer: “Good night… I love you…” *hangs up*

(Quite frankly, it made my day.)

(It is about five minutes to closing on a Saturday night and we have maybe five or six employees working, all female. A new bar has just opened next door, and a drunk man wanders in.)

Drunk Man: “I need to buy some matches.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir. We don’t sell matches, only clothes.”

Drunk Man: “Well, then sell me a lighter. I need a cigarette.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t sell lighters or matches, just clothes.”

Drunk Man: “D*** it, just give me one.”

Me: “I don’t have one, sir, or trust me, I would.”

Drunk Man: “You lying b****! Give me a f****** match you b****!”

Me: “Sir, you need to leave, or I’m calling the police. We don’t have lighters or matches. I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.”

Drunk Man: “I’ll get it myself!”

(He storms off toward the men’s department. I call my coworker in that department, then call the manager to give them a heads up. A few minutes later, the man goes running out, empty-handed, and my coworker is racing after him. She grabs my phone and starts screaming over the intercom for our manager. I asked her what happened.)

Coworker: “He pissed all over the Levis!”

(I work at a karaoke bar operating the machine and helping drunk guests choose songs. A lady was supposed to sing an ABBA song next, but some guy got a hold of the microphone.)

Me: “Sir, excuse me, that lady is singing now, could you give me the mic?”

Customer: *looking drunk and confused* “Nooo…I’m singing now!”

Me: “Really? Dancing Queen?”

Customer: “Whaaaat? I ordered Eye Of The Tiger!”

Me: “But how? You didn’t tell me anything…and Eye Of The Tiger is not in our list…”

Customer: “I told that guy…”

(The customer points to the corner of the bar, where some man in a Superman costume was sleeping.)

Me: “Umm…he doesn’t work here you know…”

Customer: “Whaaaaat?! Can I still do the song then?”

Me: “I’ve just told you we don’t have it…”

Customer: *pointing to Superman again* “He told me you do!”

Me: “Yeah, we don’t…do you want to try some other song?”

Customer: “I WANT THE EYE OF THE TIGER!”

Me: *scared and desperate* “…How about a free shot instead of a song?”

Customer: *suddenly happy* “Alrighty!”

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Random Customer #1: “Why do you always have to be so self-defecating?”

Random Customer #2: “I see that you read a lot. I read a lot, too. I just finished Brave New World by Adolphus Huxley.”

Random Customer #3: “Yeah, it’s crazy, they can go to the bottom of the Marinara Trench.”