(Back when I was about seven years old, I used to have a lemonade stand. One day, these female customers in their late 40s drove up.)
Me: “Hi! Would you like to try some home-made lemonade? Only a dollar!”
Customer #1: “I’ll only have some if you have whiskey in it!”
Me: “Um, I don’t have any whiskey.”
Customer #2: “WE WANT WHISKEY!”
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any whiskey.”
Customer #1: “Well, if you don’t have any whiskey, we are leaving!” *drives off*
(A little old lady approaches me as I am tidying up some shelves.)
Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but I can’t find your Columbia Crest Cabernet?”
Me: *I point to the shelf above me* “It’s right there.”
Customer: “Oh, my, I feel so foolish!”
Me: “Not at all. It’s a big store and can get a little confusing, even for me.”
Customer: “Now what about some Hess Cabernet?”
(I walk her to where it is and take the bottle down for her.)
Customer: “I LOVE you!”
Me: “Hehe, no problem!”
(I see the check-out lines at the front of the store are full, so I follow her up to help at the registers. After a few customers, she comes through my line.)
Customer: “You can take my money, too?! Amazing!”
Me: *laughs* “Yes, I have many skills.”
Customer: “What are some of your other talents?”
Me: “Well, I can sing!”
Customer: “You can CONCEIVE?!”
Me: “I certainly hope so! But I’m not going to try that out just yet. Right now, I can just sing.”
Customer: “I wish you had really said that. That would have been funny! I love you!”
(I hear glass shattering from the back of the store, near the wine department. As I head to the source of the sound, I hear a second shatter and see a small child in a cart reaching for a third wine bottle to pull off the rack. There’s no sign of a parent around.)
Me: “Stop that!”
(I grab the cart and pull it away from the wine racks. Suddenly, the absent parent shows up.)
Customer: “How dare you touch that cart! My child is in that cart! How dare you touch my child without my permission!”
Me: “Ma’am, your child has broken two bottles of wine and was about to break a third bottle. I just saved you another $12.99.”
Customer: “Saved me? You’re the one trying to kidnap my child!”
Me: “Ma’am, you already owe me $26 for what happened when you were not watching your own child.”
Customer: “If you’re going to charge me money for bringing my child into the store, I should just let you take him!”
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Me: “9-1-1. Police, fire, or ambulance?”
Caller: “Police.”
Me: “What’s your emergency?”
Caller: “Is it illegal for a 14-year-old to be drinking Jack Daniels?”
Me: “Yes, it is.”
Caller: “Oh, okay. And, one more question. Is it illegal for a 14-year-old to be smoking marijuana?”
Me: “Yes, it is, ma’am.”
Caller: “Oh, okay. My son told me it wasn’t. I’d like you to arrest my son, please. He’s been doing this for a couple of years now!”
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(While waiting in line, I overhear a conversation between a teenager and a police officer, both of whom are also waiting. The boy has red plastic cups and ping pong balls in hand.)
Officer: “Can I ask what those are for?”
Teenage Customer: “No, no questions.”
Officer: “Where’s the party?”
Teenage Customer: “No parties.”
(The kid checks out, and as he’s walking out the door yells “SODA PONG!” and flicks his wrist.)
Officer: *to me* “Yeah, I’ll get the call in a couple of hours.”
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