Joseph Smith’s Great Northern Detour
Drunk Customer: “You’re American! What state are you from?”
Me: “Actually, sir, I’m from Canada.”
Drunk Customer: “OH! The MORMON State!”
Me: “…”
And Her Roots Were Blonde
(I’m working a graveyard shift. It’s 3:00 am and a girl comes in, obviously more than mildly inebriated.)
Customer: “Umm… so, I came in here an hour ago and bought a Pepsi, and I, like, took a drink of it just now, and there was, like, a hair in the Pepsi. Can I get another one for free?”
Me: “Do you mean there was a hair in the bottle when you drank it?”
Customer: “No, um, like, I took a drink, and one of my hairs got in my mouth at the same time, and I guess I bit it off and drank it, too, and that was really gross so I, like, threw the Pepsi away.”
Me: “So you swallowed your own hair, and you want me to pay for your Pepsi to make up for it?”
Customer: “Exactly! I’m sooooo glad you understand me!”
Me: “Um, no. You’re gonna have to pay, actually.”
Customer: “Aww, I knew that wouldn’t work. I told him that wouldn’t work. He, like, told me I was cute enough that you’d give me free stuff, but I knew it wouldn’t work. Oh, well. I’ll pay, I guess!”
(She goes to the cooler and starts tapping on the lids of various bottles with her finger, before deciding on one half-way back on the rack, requiring her to take a dozen bottles off before getting to hers, and coming to the counter with it, leaving the rest on the floor.)
Me: “Um… what were you doing?”
Customer: “Checking for a fresh one! They, like, sound different! You work here; you should totally know that! You’re not very good at your job, are you?”
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Your Infrastructure Dollars At Work
(Late at night, a customer comes to register with a tall bottle of whiskey and off-brand cola.)
Me: “Do you have your [Store Customer] card?”
Customer: “Yeah, I got it right here on my cell phone. You see, I gotta have my phone on me at all times in case the boss calls; I got the keys to heavy machinery.”
Me: “Oh yeah?”
Customer: “You know how much fun it is to drive a bulldozer when you’re sober? IMAGINE THAT WHILE YOU’RE DRUNK!”
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License To Breed
(A teen of about 16 or 17 is trying to buy alcohol. She is pushing a stroller with a baby in it.)
Customer: “I just want to buy it, okay?”
Me: “May I please see some ID?”
Customer: “I have a baby here!” *points at child*
Me: “Um… that child is not your ID.”
Customer: “But I can clearly buy alcohol if I have a baby!”
Me: “Of course…”
Customer: “So you’re going to let me buy it?”
Me: “I said I’m going to need to see some ID.”
Customer: “God, keep your god-d*** beer!” *rushes out of store with stroller*
Is That A Pinot Noir In Your Pocket…
(I work as a bagger at the local grocery store. An old man walks through the checkout lane with spandex pants on and what appears to be a wine bottle stuffed down.)
Cashier: “Sir, there is no way in h*** that you are THAT well-endowed. Get your butt back here!”
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