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Well, The TV Still Works, Right?

, , , , , , | Related | April 1, 2022

My cousin and his fiancé invite my family over for dinner at their new house. Having lived there for only a few weeks, they don’t have everything set up yet. I notice their TV isn’t mounted and is leaning against the wall. Later, his fiancé brings it up and I mention I noticed.

Fiancé: “Yeah, a couple of weeks ago [Cousin] invited a couple of his buddies over to help mount the TV and watch the game, and he told them to bring beer and tools. There was a mix-up as to who was bringing what, and they both only brought beer and ended up just drinking all night.”

Can’t Hold His Liquor OR His Chili

, , , | Right | March 29, 2022

I was a night manager for a local fast food restaurant. A man, obviously drunk, came in with his wife. I didn’t want to serve him, but as long as he wasn’t causing trouble, I didn’t have a reason to kick him out. He ordered a bowl of chili and a burger. His wife ordered a bowl of soup and a burger. A few minutes later, he came back to the counter.

Man: “This chili tastes like s***.”

He then tipped the bowl onto the counter and spilled chili everywhere.

I told one of the employees to clean it up and waited for the girls who were busing tables to get out of the dining area. I told one to get by the phone and to dial 911 if I nodded to her. Everyone was told not to come out to the dining area.

I walked over to the table where the couple was seated.

Me: “I’m sorry, but you need to leave right now!”

The man then threw the bowl of soup at me. I looked at the girl by the phone, but the man’s wife quickly spoke.

Wife: “We are leaving now.”

They left. Never saw them again.

Where Will YOU Be When The Need For Bagels Strikes?

, , , | Right | March 27, 2022

A man came into my coffee shop with a whole pizza at 3:00 am.

Man: “Do you have any bagels?”

Me: “Unfortunately, almost all of our previous day baked goods got thrown out at 2:00 am. All I have are cookies.”

I had to tell him this twice. Then, he kind of closed his eyes and swayed, and I thought he was going to pass out and smash his head on my counter. He opened his eyes.

Man: “Do you have any bagels?”

Me: “Again, all I have for baked goods are cookies.”

Finally, he bought six cookies and stumbled back outside. That shop is right next to a bunch of apartments, so I’m still hoping that’s where he was headed and that he made it home okay.

Mom’s Not Mad; She’s Just Disappointed

, , , , , | Legal | February 19, 2022

I’m a police officer. We’re called to intervene at a party where kids were being rowdy. We get there, and most of the kids scurry off the moment they spot our car. One, a minor, is so drunk that he almost passes out. After we have him checked out medically, we put him in a chair and prepare to make a call. Minors can only be locked up if there is a very, very, very good reason to.

Boy: *Slurring* “Dude, can I lie down? Do I have to stay? Will you put me in jail?”

Me: “Don’t worry, you get to sleep in your own bed.”

Boy: “Am I in trouble?”

Me: “Yes, you are.”

Boy: “Oh… Will you put me in jail? Are you calling jail? I don’t want to go to jail.”

Me: “No, I’m just going to call your mother.”

The boy suddenly stares with eyes wide open, turning even paler than he already was. 

Boy: “Can’t… Can’t you just put me in jail?”

His mother picked him up, in silence. When we followed up with this case, he was disciplined correctly — we wanted to make sure he wasn’t afraid of his mother because of abuse — and he was signed up for a disciplinary course about alcohol.

You Beerly Did Anything

, , , , | Right | January 28, 2022

We have to card everyone who wants to purchase an alcoholic beverage. I’m manning concessions and a couple comes up to me.

Male Customer: “Can we each have a [beer]?”

Me: “May I see your ID, please?”

The woman shows me her ID and I enter her date of birth into the system. The man checks his pockets.

Male Customer: “Oh, I forgot my ID, so never mind.”

“Crisis averted,” I think, because he didn’t get upset at me since I couldn’t serve him his beer. I say what I think to be a polite follow-up.

Me: “Okay, then! Would you like something else to drink?”

Male Customer: *Suddenly mad* “You know, I didn’t get offended at you for asking for my ID. You don’t have to have an attitude with me.”

Me: “Oh, I didn’t mean to have an attitude. I’m sorry about that.”

Male Customer: “It’s just that I was fine with you checking my ID, but now you have a tone with me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

The guy ended up storming off while his girlfriend paid for her drink. After they both left, I turned to my coworker and asked if I’d had an attitude, and she said I was just talking normally. Either she or another coworker ended up telling the assistant manager about what happened, just in case the guy ended up complaining. I didn’t get in trouble that day, and I still wonder what made him so upset.