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Birds Of A Feather… Don’t Want To Be Touched!

, , , , , , , | Friendly | June 4, 2021

I am visiting family in San Diego right when all the restrictions are lifted and I happen to have my blue and gold macaw, Wendy, with me. Wendy likes to travel and goes almost everywhere with me. She is very funny and polite. However, there is one caveat: for whatever reason, she does NOT like men. She won’t actively attack a man, but she does freak out when one comes near her and she’s not expecting it or she doesn’t know him.

We stop at a donut shop. I am feeding Wendy a piece of blueberry donut. She is on my shoulder, minding her own business, enjoying her treat, when all of a sudden I can feel her rock back, dig her talons into my flesh, and let out a little yell. I turn and some drunk lady has decided to take it upon herself and pull on my bird’s long tail. As if that isn’t an issue enough, once Wendy turned to investigate, the lady’s very tall boyfriend happened to be there and that’s when Wendy really freaked out.

Me: “Don’t touch my bird!”

Drunk Woman: *Whining* “Buuuut I just wanna pet it.”

Me: “You don’t just grab someone’s pet without asking.”

My sister interjects to try to keep the peace.

Sister: “Plus, she’s afraid of men.”

Drunk Boyfriend: *Gesturing to the lady* “Clearly, she is a female.”

Me: “Clearly, you are not.” 

Don’t touch someone’s animal without asking, and don’t get shocked when you get yelled at when you do.

Wendy was unharmed and enjoyed the rest of her treat.

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New Beer’s Eve

, , , , | Right | May 26, 2021

It’s New Year’s Eve, which happens to fall on a Sunday this year. In Texas, you cannot sell alcohol before noon. I spend most of my morning telling people that they can’t buy alcohol at the moment. Most of them understand and politely give me their beverages or wait.

It’s about ten minutes until noon and an older man with a younger woman approaches the self-check carrying some beer.

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry but you can’t buy the beer right now. If you wish, you can wait until noon to buy it. It’s only a few minutes.”

Customer: “Why can’t I get it now?”

Me: “It is state law that no one is allowed to buy alcohol on Sundays before noon, sir.”

Customer: “That’s just stupid!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s the law.”

Irritated, the customer puts down the beer and storms out. It hits noon and we get very busy. I’m running around helping people when I notice out of the corner of my eye that the man has returned. I’m helping another customer when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn my head and, lo and behold, it’s the man gesturing to the self-check he is at.

Me: “I will be with you in a second.”

I finished helping the customer I was with. I helped him and ran off to another customer just to feel another tap on my shoulder. I looked again and it was the same man telling me that someone needed help. I nodded and went back to the person I was helping.

I get that people want their beer and wine to ring in the New Year, but there is no need to be rude about something I can’t even help. When I help customers I’d try to do in a way so someone isn’t waiting for a long time, I would’ve eventually gotten to him and the other person; he did not have to touch me.

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Heard It From The Grapewine

, , , , , , | Right | May 19, 2021

I am checking out a mother and her two young children at my register.

Customer: “You didn’t have [Brand] ice cream in stock. What will you do to satisfy me?”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. We should actually be getting a new shipment overnight, so—”

Customer: “What will you do to satisfy me now?”

Me: “I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do to—”

Customer: “I need this to feed my kids tonight. What will you do to satisfy me now?”

Child #1: “But Mommy, you said [Brand] ice cream is only for Mommies!”

Child #2: “Yeah! It’s for wine o’clock, after bedtime!”

The customer stares at me. I stare at the customer. I happen to be checking out her wine bottles at the time. I do not break eye contact.

Customer: “They meant nine o’clock.”

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Give Her Booze And She Gives You Boos

, , , , , | Right | May 14, 2021

I am a waitress in a Mexican restaurant. We have so few alcohol sales that a few months before this, we gave up our liquor distributor license. We don’t sell enough alcohol to pay for the registration and hassle.

I’m seating a couple and getting them started.

Me: “And anything to drink tonight?”

Wife: “I’ll have a margarita.”

Me: “We don’t sell alcohol. All our drinks are virgin, so is a virgin margarita okay?”

Wife: *Sighing dramatically* “What other options do I have?”

I list other options including water, horchata, soft drinks, and some other mocktails and non-alcoholic beers.

Wife: “Fine, I’ll have the virgin margarita.”

Later, after I’ve brought out their drinks, they flag me down.

Wife: “I am tasting this margarita, and I think it has alcohol. I specifically requested a virgin.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that your drink is virgin.”

Wife: “I am tasting alcohol. I think your bartender messed up.”

Me: “We don’t have a bartender, as we don’t have alcohol. I mixed the drink myself.”

Wife: “I tasted alcohol. There is alcohol, and my drink should be virgin. I want the drink taken off my bill.”

Me: “There is no alcohol on the premises. It is impossible for there to be alcohol in your drink.”

Wife: “I say that there’s alcohol in this drink. You must have forgotten to tell them that I wanted a virgin.”

Me: “Ma’am, there is no alcohol in it. There is no alcohol anywhere in the building.”

She asked to speak to the manager, who backed me up. She ended up paying but then wrote a review about how her drink had alcohol when she specifically requested a virgin.

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The More You “Need” It The Less You Should Have It

, , , , , | Right | April 30, 2021

A woman wanders up to my register and plops down a six-pack of beer.

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, ma’am. I can’t sell you the beer until 8:00 am, it’s a state law.”

Customer: “But I need beer. When I walked in, it was almost 8:00, anyway.”

Me: “The register locks out alcohol sales until 8:00 am, so I can’t sell it to you until the register unlocks itself.”

Customer: “I really need this beer! I have to have it. You understand, don’t you?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do anything about it until eight. The store could lose its liquor license and I could be arrested, fined, and probably fired.”

Customer: “What if you total up the price of the beer and I’ll pay you cash for it? Nobody has to know.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t do that. You’ll have to wait until eight.”


Me: “If your daughter is in labor, do you think it’s wise to give her beer?”

Customer: *Gets even madder* “FINE! I’ll go somewhere else where they’ll sell some beer!”

I told the store owner about it later and he said, “I’ve heard lots of stupid excuses from customers over the years, but that’s a new one for me.”

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