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Drive Drunk, And That’s What You Get

, , , , , , | Legal | CREDIT: whipssolo | July 20, 2022

I’m the owner of a larger tow company that has the majority of local police departments’ contracts for accidents and impounds. Last night, I was called out at 0030 hours for a rollover one-car accident. It was no big deal, but it was in the county’s largest city, about twenty miles from my office and home. I drove out and recovered the vehicle using a flatbed tow truck.

I am driving back from the accident scene with the totaled car on the back of the truck. I am on a two-lane highway — one lane going each direction with a double yellow line in the center — which has a speed limit of fifty-five. I come across a car going forty miles per hour and occasionally drifting toward the shoulder or the yellow line. After about five minutes of this, I see through her rear window that the person is drinking from a bottle.

I immediately pick up my phone, dial the non-emergency dispatch number, and explain the situation to them. They start an officer out to intercept the driver as, from my description, they have checked all the boxes for a DUI stop.

An officer pulls up behind me while we’re going down the road and turns on his red and blues. I flip on my white and yellow lights as I slow down, signaling the officer to go around as I have no shoulder to go to. As this is happening, the car in front of me immediately SLAMS on its brakes, causing me to lock up my air brakes and just barely miss rear-ending them. The police officer, luckily, is already in the opposite lane, and by the time he reacts to slow down, he has passed both of us.

We are now at about ten miles per hour, and the officer is leapfrogged to the front of the line. He turns his car at a forty-five-degree angle and stops, stopping the car dead in its tracks. I stop with my lights on behind him about two car lengths back, again at a forty-five-degree angle to protect everyone from any oncoming traffic as we are now blocking half of the road.

I jump out and walk around the back of my truck and up the shoulder of the road toward the officer’s cruiser. As I’m doing this, the driver jumps out of her car and starts screaming.

Driver: “That person is stalking me! I’m scared for my life! That rapist followed me from the pub I was at!”

The officer on scene is the same officer I just spent over an hour with on the road cleaning up the wreck that is still on my truck. Out of pure shock, I turn to the officer and say:

Me: “You know there is no way I was anywhere near her, right?”

Thankfully, he confirms it isn’t possible. The driver does not like this one bit. She starts cussing the officer out.

Driver: “Do your job! I pay your salary and that makes you my servant!”

A second officer arrived and parked behind my truck with lights on. I fell back to direct the light traffic that was coming through. As I was directing traffic, I listened to this belligerent woman insult these officers over and over. Of course, she failed the field sobriety test, and out came the breathalyzer. She blew a .12, and as soon as the handcuffs came out, it was like someone lubed the woman up with grease as she was slipping and sliding out of the two officers’ hands.

I watched for probably five minutes as they wrestled her to the ground and finally got her into cuffs. The first officer approached me and asked if I’d like to impound the woman’s car, too. I happily accepted and had it loaded on to my wheel lift in about two minutes.

I was just awoken not too long ago by a call about the woman. She was asking about her car at my office, and one of my dispatchers called to double-check that there wasn’t a hold on the car. It turns out the woman had to wait sixty minutes before we could release her car, as all DUI arrests in that county have a mandatory twelve-hour impound on the vehicle. I’m sure the girls working my office were thrilled to have the company.

It’s A Blessing And A Curse

, , , , , , | Legal | July 10, 2022

You know that stereotype that Asians look younger? Well, that’s true, at least for my family.

One Halloween, Mom and I decided to dress up together. We wear matching Lolita dresses. On the way home, Dad calls Mom to tell her we ran out of alcohol, so Mom and I stop by my favourite liquor shop to buy some.

We walk out holding the bottles of wine, and we walk right into a pair of beat cops.

Cop #1: *Sighs* “Girls, I’m sorry, but you’re gonna have to surrender the wine.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Cop #2: “It’s called underage drinking. It’s against the law.”

Me: “Hey! I’m twenty-two!”

Cop #2: “Twenty-two? You look closer to twelve than twenty-two. I ain’t buying it.”

Mom: “We have ID.”

Cop #1: “All right then, let’s see it.”

I produce mine.

Cop #1: “Huh, so you really are twenty-two. Wait, you’re a guy?*Looks me up and down* “Dang, you look pretty.”

Cop #2: “No s***?” *Sees my ID* “Holy moly! You’re prettier than my girlfriend!”

Cop #1: “All right, you’re clear. Can we see your sister’s ID, as well?”

Mom: “Sure thing.”

Cop #2: “Wait, you’re fifty-eight?! You’re his mother?!”

Mom: “Nonsense. I’m twenty-eight. I’ve been twenty-eight for years now.”

Me: “Some of the other parents in our neighbourhood actually believe that.”

Cop #1: “I can see why.”

Cop #2: *Awestruck* “Hashtag ‘Asians don’t raisin’.”

They let us go, and as we walk away, I hear [Cop #2] murmur to [Cop #1].

Cop #2: “You know, I always thought it was baloney, but maybe there’s some truth to those immortality potions them Chinese emperors were crazy for.”

Lose One Tip Or Lose All Of Them? Tough Choice.

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: BuxxxIn666 | July 7, 2022

I work in a restaurant. I’m wrapping up a party of three and a man at the table asks for a to-go cup. I look down and see his full water.

Me: “For your water?”

Man: “No, for my wife’s margarita.”

Me: “I can’t, sir. It’s illegal and I could lose my job.”

Man: “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

Me: “I’m not doing that, sir.”

Man: “Well, you just lost out on a lot of your tip.”

Me: “I’d rather lose your tip than my job.”

Man: “Fine, I’ll take a cup for my water.”

I know he’s going to try it anyway, so I decide to be the “nice guy” and get him a to-go cup full of water. I clocked their three waters as completely full, so there’s nowhere to dump out the to-go cup.

I drop off the full to-go cup. The dude looks at me and scowls, but his wife tells him to drop it.

Me: “Anything else I can do for you all today?”

Wife: “No. We’re good. Have a good night.”

That ID Is Not Up To Scratch

, , , , | Right | July 4, 2022

A young girl approached my till, trying to buy alcohol and pay with a scratch card. She looked about sixteen.

Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

Girl: “But I bought this scratch card here, this morning!”

Me: “I need to see ID before I can cash the scratch card.”

She just couldn’t comprehend that a scratched scratch card was not a form of ID or age verification.

And Thus An Adult In Need Of Therapy Was Set In Motion

, , , , , | Related | July 2, 2022

My parents are divorced. My younger brother and I live with our father most of the time.

One day, my mother bought me a few bottles of apple cider, which my eleven-year-old brother mistook for apple juice. Even after I clarified the misunderstanding, he still kept trying to drink the cider. In fact, I think he was more enthusiastic now as he wanted to brag to his classmates that he had drunk alcohol.

My mother was visiting one dinner, and my brother got a bottle of apple cider out of the fridge and poured himself a cup.

I protested, of course, but neither of my parents spoke up, so I let the matter be.

It was only after I poured myself my own cup of cider that the discussion about our underage drinker came up.

Me: “Speaking of cider, why are you guys letting a certain eleven-year-old boy drink?”

Father: *To Mom* “I thought you would stop him. You’re the responsible one.”

Mom: “Huh? Me? I thought you would stop him. It’s your house!”

Me: “Are you kidding me? I thought you guys would stop him. You’re his parents!”

Brother: *Waves the empty cup* “Thanks for the drink!”