A Terrifying Kind Of Stupid

, , , , , | Legal | April 9, 2021

Working for a criminal defense attorney, I meet all kinds of people and hear all kinds of stories. Most of our clients are very nice people, in spite of the trouble they’re in. One, however, really stands out.

She was on at least her second or third DUI and just couldn’t understand why the police and the courts made such a big deal out of it. She insisted that “everyone” drinks and drives and she was sure I could not name a single person who had not done so.

But the clincher was when she told me that drinking and driving couldn’t possibly be illegal because, after all, bars have parking lots! I thought that was the punch line to a joke, but she was dead serious.

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A Tough Drink To Swallow

, , , , , | Romantic | CREDIT: BlackbirdNamedJude | April 5, 2021

My last relationship was beyond bad; he was all sorts of abusive and controlling. At one point, I had the strength to break up with him, but then we got back together after we discussed some things. Stupid, I know, but love and all that. One of the things we agreed on when we got back together was that he and I would stop drinking alcohol because he was beyond crazy aggressive when he drank, and I wanted to support his sobriety. This is REALLY important.

Fast forward about eight months or so. We got into a huge fight and I not only broke up with him, but I kicked him out of the house and told him he wasn’t ever allowed back inside. We’d been living together for over a year at this point, so his mom got in touch with me about getting his stuff. While on the phone with her I could hear him in the background.

Ex: “Make sure they get everything I own or bought. I want it all back.”

Apparently, he even wanted stuff he gifted me back, but honestly, I didn’t care. I was happy to get rid of anything related to him. While cleaning our room up and gathering EVERYTHING, I started to come across numerous bottles and cans of alcohol. It seems he had been drinking again for a while and was hiding the evidence in the room. I mean, he was hiding them under the bed, in his guitar case, rolled up in his clothes, in some old backpacks of mine, and so on and so forth.

He had said he wanted everything of his, so any bottle and the few unopened cans I found went straight into one of the garbage bags of his stuff. By the time I had gathered everything up, I had three bags of stuff and one was basically all just the alcohol.

Dropping them off was just so satisfying. He actually called moments after I left his parents’ place, ranting.

Ex: “You are being so petty and immature!”

My response?

Me: “Well, you wanted all of your stuff back, and those definitely weren’t mine. Plus, I figured you’d probably need a drink to deal with the breakup.”

I promptly ended the call and blocked him on everything. That was the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done.


This story is part of our Best Of April 2021 roundup!

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This Flavor Isn’t Grape

, , , | Right | March 13, 2021

I work at a chain liquor store in my state as a wine specialist.

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a nice red wine that doesn’t have any added flavors to it.”

I am slightly confused but go along with it.

Me: “Added flavors, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, I don’t want one of those wines that talk about added flavors of, like, coffee, or berry, or leather. Just regular red wine.”

Me: “Sir, there are very few wines that we have that have any kind of ‘added flavors-’ — just three in our store, in fact.”

Customer: “Then what makes it taste like things other than grapes if they don’t add them in?!”

Me: “Sir? Those flavors happen naturally, not by adding a flavoring in.”

Customer: “So, wine doesn’t taste like red or green grapes?”

It was SO hard to retain my retail smile. Luckily, I got paged by someone else who needed help, and I was able to bite my tongue and leave.

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Mr. Bojangles Novo Is Our New Hero

, , , , , | Right | March 8, 2021

I’m the wine department lead for a mid-sized store that’s part of a huge family-owned liquor chain in Texas. I’ve only been at this store for maybe six months, but I’ve been with the company for nearly seven years, and not only am I the only employee in the wine department, but I’m the only one of the fourteen of us in store, including managers, that knows anything about wine.

I should also note that I look about nineteen, even though I’m in my late twenties and have been working for the company since I turned twenty-one.

During my time with the company, I’ve heard people butcher the names of wines in all sorts of ways. I’ve had people ask for “peanut gringos” (Pinot grigios), “crabernets” (cabernets), and many more. This one takes the cake, though. It’s about a week before Christmas. The week before Thanksgiving, we got a wine in that we get once a year; it’s a hot ticket item for this time of year. The wine is traditionally, at least in the US, drunk with Thanksgiving dinner.

Customer: “Hi! I’m looking for a bottle of Bojangles Novo.”

I have no idea what the customer is talking about, but it could be a brand I’ve never heard of.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t think I’ve heard of that before. Could you tell me what kind of wine it is, so I can look it up in our system?”

Customer: *Quickly becoming irate* “Are you stupid or something?! I’m looking for Bojangles Novo! That wine that comes out once a year?! The one that is supposed to be made from the first crop of wine grown this year?! God! I thought [Company] hired people that knew what they were talking about! They’re going to end up getting shut down by [Nationwide Competitor] at this rate!”

Me: *Quickly realizing* “Sir, do you mean Beaujolais Nouveau?” *bee-zhu-lay new-vo*

Customer: “No! It’s Bojangles, and it’s only released the week before Thanksgiving!”

I give up and shows the customer the two bottles of Beaujolais Nouveau I have left

Customer: “Yes, that’s it! You really need to have one of the more senior employees teach you about wine if you’re going to be stocking the department.”

Me: *Internal screaming*

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Throwing Up Your Hands In Frustration

, , , , , | Friendly | March 6, 2021

Before I go to university, I often hang out with a bunch of old high school friends. We have parties at different people’s houses, and over time, I get to know some of their acquaintances.

At one party, I notice the girlfriend of one of the friends has a couple of drinks, and then, after maybe an hour or two, she starts throwing up and her boyfriend is holding her hair back. At first, I don’t pay too much attention to it, but then I notice that it keeps happening at different parties she attends.

Concerned, I go to my friend who is hosting. 

Me: “Hey, why does [Girl] always start throwing up after a couple of drinks?”

Friend: *Laughs* “Oh, she can’t handle her alcohol, so at most parties, she’ll have a couple, be sick, and then just sleep the rest of the night!”

He says this like it’s a perfectly normal thing.

Me: “Err… then maybe she should stop drinking.”

Friend: “What? Why?”

Me: “If she can’t handle drinking, maybe she should think about giving up alcohol.”

Friend: “Oh, come on. It’s just her thing; it’s nothing to worry about.”

Me: “Throwing up all the time isn’t a good sign. Maybe she has some kind of condition where her body has trouble processing alcohol?”

Friend: “Don’t be daft, [My Name]. No one has trouble drinking alcohol. That’s a bunch of crap!”

Me: “Well, it isn’t, actually. [Famous Actor] has a condition where—”

Friend: *Interrupting* “You’re talking nonsense, mate. [Girl] isn’t hurting anyone, so just leave it, yeah?”

Me: “What if she gets herself into a bad situation and her boyfriend isn’t there to help her?”

Friend: “Stop talking crap.”

With that, he walked away, shaking his head and leaving me marvelling at how blase they all were about this. Soon after, I began university and I eventually drifted away from that group. I can hope that girl wised up a bit, or better yet, stopped drinking.

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