In Uncharted Waters

, , , , | Related | July 5, 2018

(In the early to mid-90s, our family is on a barbecue picnic outing with several other families in a park. I’m around nine or ten, and the other families all also have kids about my age, or even younger. The adults are all busy putting together side dishes, arranging picnic supplies, and grilling meat. Meanwhile, us kids are just milling around or playing. There’s a bunch of supplies people brought just lying around on the ground and tables. After running around a bit, I happen to become thirsty, but we don’t have individual water bottles back then. So, not wanting to bother the adults, I just go over to the supplies and pick out what looks like a perfectly normal liter-sized soda bottle with clear water in it, and begin taking a drink, not touching the bottle itself with my mouth. All of a sudden:)

Adult #1: “Noooo!”

Adult #2: “Stop!”

Adult #3: “No! No! No!”

Adult #4: “Oh, my God, [My Name]! Don’t drink that!”

(Totally confused, I pull away from the bottle while several adults come running over in a panic, and take the bottle away with shocked faces.)

Me: “What? I just wanted some water!”

Adult #2: “Oh, Lord!”

Adult #4: “[My Name], that’s vodka!”

Me: “What?!”

Adult #4: “Didn’t you notice the taste?”

Me: “…”

(I somehow managed not to notice. Even as an adult, I can’t tolerate the taste of alcohol, so I can’t figure out how I wouldn’t have noticed it then. Maybe I never actually got any in my mouth. The other kids thought it was very funny and kept asking me afterwards what it tasted like. That bottle was completely unmarked regarding what it really contained, though, and during the brouhaha, no one seemed to own up to having brought it, though clearly everyone knew what was in it. Who does that on a picnic outing with young kids?)

Being Unable To Count Is A Sign You Should Stop Drinking

, , , , | Right | June 25, 2018

(I work as a cashier at a big, popular grocery store. We have customers who constantly try to buy alcohol although they aren’t 18, which is the legal age here. A couple walks up to the register. The man, who is much older than the woman and almost looks like he could be her dad, is on his phone and seems very distracted. The woman looks about 23, is dressed in a fluffy fur coat, and wears lots of trendy jewellery, visibly trying to look a lot older than she actually is. Store policy says that we have to card anyone that looks younger than 30, so when I see her loading several cans of cider and long drink — a bitter-tasting alcoholic beverage popular in Finland — onto the belt, I automatically ask her for her ID.)

Woman: “Do you really think that is necessary?!”

Me: “Yes. We have to card anyone who looks younger than 30. May I please see your ID?”

Woman: “How dare you?! It’s actually my 22nd birthday today! Do I f****** look like I am under 18 to you?”

Me: “Well, happy birthday. But I still need to see proof.”

(At this point, the man with her — who has been on the phone all this time — finishes his call, and looks confused.)

Man: *leaning in to whisper quite loudly to the woman* “Babe, just say you’re with me.”

(He then proceeds to show his own ID, and I see that he is born in January of 1973. When I ask about her ID for the third time around, she screams at me, loud enough for half the store to hear.)

Woman: “What is wrong with you?! What’s your name? I’m going to report you to your manager for age discrimination!”

Me: “Uh… What? It’s my duty to card anyone who doesn’t look older than 30.”

Woman: “Just because an ugly little b**** like you can’t find a rich boyfriend like mine doesn’t mean you’re allowed to discriminate just because my boyfriend is older than me!”

(I can now see the way out of this situation, if she is dumb enough not to see where this is going.)

Me: “How much older?”

Woman: “Twenty-seven years!”

Me: “Ma’am, your boyfriend just showed me his ID, and he is born in January 1973. With simple math, I came to the conclusion that you’re either 16 or 17 years old, not old enough to buy alcohol for at least a year, depending on which month you were born in. Please remove yourself from the store before I call security.”

Woman: “AAARGH!”

(She then stomped off, screaming at her boyfriend for “being dumb enough” to show me his ID. To be honest, I think she was the dumber one, in this case!)

It Rums In The Family

, , , , | Related | June 21, 2018

(I am about nine and our family is on vacation in the Caribbean. I have spent most of the day down at the beach, and with the heat and the salt water I am very thirsty. There is only one stand that sells soda, and it is down on the other end of the beach. My Mom and I start walking toward it. Along the way, we run into my grandparents walking the opposite way.)

Grandma: “Where are you two going?”

Mom: “[My Name] is really thirsty, so we’re going to get her a soda.”

Grandma: “Well, I have a coke here she can have. It’s diet, though.”

Me: “I don’t care.”

(I’m just eager to drink anything. My grandma hands me her cup and I take a huge drink, and a second later I start spitting it out on the ground.)

Grandma: “It’s just diet; it’s not that bad.”

(My mom takes the cup out of my hand and takes a small sip.)

Mom: “There’s rum in this.”

Grandma: “Oh! I forgot about that.”


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Roommate Berate

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 20, 2018

(My college roommate and I are randomly assigned, so we don’t know each other at all. One week into the semester, some of her friends stop by to pick her up for a party.)

Roommate: “I’ve got the brownies ready. Did you get the booze?”

Friend: “No, and our IDs got confiscated, so we can’t get any more.”

(Suddenly, all of them turn to look at me with a glint in their eyes.)

Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. One, I’m 20. Two, buying for a minor is illegal and punishable by a fine of ten grand and up to five years in prison, and I don’t like you that much.”

Roommate: “Fair enough.”

What Would You Like To Drunk And Disorder Today?

, , , , , | Right | June 19, 2018

(I’m working grill when a car pulls up to the drive-thru speaker.)

Coworker: “Welcome to [Restaurant]; how may I help you?”

Customer: *slurring and stuttering* “Can I get a-a [combo #1] with ffffffries and [drink] and a [combo #2], just the burrgerrrrr, with an on-ion ring and [drink].”

(I’m making the order when my coworker comes back to talk to me.)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], can you hand the food out and tell me if this guy is drunk? He reeks of booze.”

(I go to hand his food out the window.)

Me: “Here you are, sir.”

(He doesn’t respond. He’s clearly out of it.)

Me: “Sir? I have your food for you.”

Customer: *looking very confused* “Oh, oh, thanks. Where are my drinks?”

Me: *I can see them in his cup holders* “You already have them, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “Uh, no, I’m good.”

(He drives off, and instead of turning to follow the curb, he drives straight over it. Thankfully, he stops in the parking lot. I immediately pick up the phone and call the police. I come back out from the office and his passenger has come in to get more food. Not even a minute has passed since I called and there are already two cruisers in the parking lot.)

Passenger: *turning around and seeing the commotion outside* “What are they doing? He isn’t drunk!”

(We watched the police give the man a sobriety test, cuff him, search his car, take him away, and have the car towed, all while his passenger stood in the lobby and kept repeating that “he isn’t drunk.”)

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