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Putting The “Toxic” Into “Intoxicated”

, , , , , , | Right | January 12, 2023

A customer comes into our liquor store extremely intoxicated.

Customer: “I want… wishkey… yesh… wish… key.”

He’s stumbling everywhere.

Me: “Sorry, sir, but because you’re in a state we believe to be intoxicated, we’re going to refuse this sale.”

Customer: *Flipping out* “The f***?! You… f****** get me my… f****** wishkey, or I’ll f****** beat you to the ground!”

Me: “Sir, that is a threat, and I will not tolerate it. Leave now, or we’ll call the police.”

He left, but he kicked a display and made a lot of noise. He went down the street to another store, and as he walked back past our store, he yelled some very mean things at us and immediately tripped, shattering the bottle he’d just bought on the sidewalk. It was a glorious sight.

I’m Drawing A Blanc, Part 3

, , , , , , , | Right | January 4, 2023

I’m a barback in a busy upscale restaurant, so my responsibilities are basically running drinks, clearing tables and resetting them, stocking booze when we run out mid-service, etc. I run a drink over to a lady wearing pearls, a designer dress, etc., and she is shocked to see it.

Customer: “What the h*** is this?”

Me: “Your drink, Miss.”

Customer: “Well, I thought I ordered a white Chianti.”

Me: “Umm…”

Customer: “Take it back right now! I didn’t order this! I wanted a white Chianti.”

I’m thinking, “Dear God, how do I tell this stupid person that there is no such thing?” Usually, when this happens, I just bow my head and run back to the bar to let the bartenders sort it out — in other words, comp this dumb diner’s fifteen-dollar, perfectly fine Chianti and pour her an eight-dollar Pinot Grigio). For some reason, instead, I decide to educate.

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, Miss, but I should let you know that there is no such thing as a white Chianti. Chianti is made primarily from the Sangiovese grape, which is a red grape, and Chianti is always a red wine. This one, in particular, is pretty fruity and has a light to medium body, so you might actually like it.”

Customer: “No! I want a white wine!

I brought it back to the bar, downed it, and asked the bartender for the worst white wine that was cheapest by the glass, which I took to the customer. It’s the little victories that matter in the service industry.

I’m Drawing A Blanc, Part 2
I’m Drawing A Blanc

That’ll Teach You To Pee On Some Innocent Tree!

, , , , , , | Legal | January 4, 2023

When I was a teenager, I sometimes drank alcohol, and though it is illegal to give or sell alcohol to teenagers, technically, it is not illegal for teenagers to drink here in Sweden, though many think of it as equivalent.

Two friends and I were having some drinks on a very small pier by a lake one evening. We also brought some food, like sandwiches and fruit; it was like a picnic, with alcohol involved.

The beach was a very small one; however, if you continued along the lake, there was a big beach not far from this one. There were no houses nearby and, as such, the empty beach felt like a very isolated place, so we talked and had a lot of fun.

At one point, one of my friends was peeing up by the woods, and we saw two flashlights approaching the beach. She came running down to us, still putting her skirt in place.

Friend #1: “It’s the police!”

Both my friends started to panic. I told them to calm down, having been taught that the police are just doing their jobs and are not out to get us like some people seem to think.

As the police arrived, I smiled at them. I couldn’t really see their faces seeing as it was dark, and they were behind flashlights, but I could see enough to see that they were in uniforms.

Me: “Good evening.”

Police: “Good evening. We’ve gotten a call about a disturbance. Apparently, a bunch of teenagers are drinking, screaming, and having a big, loud party. Do you know anything about that?”

Me: “No, we are just having a picnic, and it is just the three of us. If there is a party, I hear it is usually over by the big beach.”

Police: “Oh, we see. But you are drinking.”

Me: “Yes, we are.”

My friends were pale; they didn’t say a word.

Police: “Is everyone all right? Does anyone need to go to the hospital?”

Me: “No, I don’t think so.”

I looked at my friends. They still didn’t say anything, but frankly, I didn’t think any one of us was beyond tipsy.

Me: “We’re fine.”

Police: “All right, well, be careful. Here by the water, you can fall in, and if you do, you might not get out; it is cold at this time of night, and your body might go into shock. You are quite far away from the road, so it would take time for help to get here.”

Me: “Yes, thank you. We’ll be careful.”

Police: “All right, well, have a good evening, and don’t hesitate to call if you need any help.”

Me: “Have a good evening!”

Then, they left, and my friends looked at me.

Friend #2: “Wow! You were so calm!”

Me: “Well, there was no reason to worry. Worst case scenario, they would’ve taken our drinks.”

Then, we started wondering what disturbance they had come for. We would’ve noticed a big party, seeing as some people would’ve most likely gone past our beach to get there. Also, we should’ve heard it.

Looking out at the lake, we saw the lights of the houses which were basically on the other side of it. We concluded that someone probably heard the echo of three girls laughing over the water and felt that it disturbed their evening.

That Student’s A Real S***head

, , , , , , , | Legal | January 1, 2023

I work in a police station. A deputy comes into the office.

Deputy: “Do you have any spare hats?”

Me: “Probably not; they need to be ordered in. Why?”

Deputy: “Somebody crapped in mine.”

Me: *Laughing* “What?! Please explain to me what set of circumstances led up to that.”

Deputy: “While I was driving, I saw somebody badly hungover. I pulled over to check on him. He was a student, so I offered him a lift back to his dorm. He got into the cruiser and sat on the hat, and something didn’t smell right.”

Me: “No…?”

Deputy: “He was so hammered that he had already crapped his pants.”

Me: “What did you do?”

Deputy: “I kicked him out of the SUV, told him to make his own way home, and threw the hat in the dumpster. Then I came here looking for a spare one.”

Me: “Bad luck, deputy. I’ll order one in, but you may do without or borrow until then.”

Deputy: “Better than wearing somebody’s s*** on my head.”

The deputy managed without a stetson for the next week.

“You Are—” *Clap Clap* “—CUT OFF!”

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: TheFiredrake42 | December 28, 2022

I used to bartend at a gentleman’s club. I had a regular come in who was well-known for pregaming beforehand. One time, he overdid it and could barely pull his wallet out to pay the door cover before weaving his way to the bar. I immediately placed down a glass of water once he managed to climb up into the seat.

Me: “Hey, man. I’m glad you’re here—” *I wasn’t* “—but you’ve clearly had some drinks before you got here, and I legally can’t serve you anything alcoholic right now. So, if you want to order some food—” *we had a full kitchen* “—or have a soda with the girls and hang out, that’s perfectly fine. In fact, the sodas are free if you want to order from the kitchen.”

He immediately got pissed and started demanding a beer. I shut that down.

Me: “Stop. Look at me. You’re drunk right now, and we both know it. I’m not risking our liquor license or getting fined my d*** self if word gets out that I served someone who almost fell trying to sit at my bar. So, you have two choices. Calm the f*** down and sober up for an hour or so, or leave right now.” 

Yeah, I probably could have been more tactful but this wasn’t exactly a high-end place.

Instead, he chose violence. He tried to reach across the bar and grab my shirt. I stepped back and flagged the two bouncers nearby who were doing a good job and keeping an eye on things. They secured him.

Me: “He’s out, guys. Just give him back his door cover and put him outside, please.”

They did, and he was shoved unceremoniously out the front door, which was locked behind him.

He was stupid, but since he arrived by taxi, he had to wait for another one to take him home or wherever he went, so at least he was smart enough to not drive drunk.

The owner talked to me about it at closing.

Owner: “I hate pissing off a regular, but I know he’ll eventually be back, hopefully having learned a lesson. I’m proud of you for protecting the club and following the law.”

The man was a huge pervert, but he protected and backed all of his employees, so some credit is due there. I gave both bouncers $20 and a handshake for having my back, which they weren’t expecting. But that was the first time something like this had happened, and I wanted them to know how much I appreciated it. They were even more protective — of everyone — after that.