Heard It From The Grapewine

, , , , , , | Right | May 19, 2021

I am checking out a mother and her two young children at my register.

Customer: “You didn’t have [Brand] ice cream in stock. What will you do to satisfy me?”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. We should actually be getting a new shipment overnight, so—”

Customer: “What will you do to satisfy me now?”

Me: “I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do to—”

Customer: “I need this to feed my kids tonight. What will you do to satisfy me now?”

Child #1: “But Mommy, you said [Brand] ice cream is only for Mommies!”

Child #2: “Yeah! It’s for wine o’clock, after bedtime!”

The customer stares at me. I stare at the customer. I happen to be checking out her wine bottles at the time. I do not break eye contact.

Customer: “They meant nine o’clock.”

1 Thumbs
494

Give Her Booze And She Gives You Boos

, , , , , | Right | May 14, 2021

I am a waitress in a Mexican restaurant. We have so few alcohol sales that a few months before this, we gave up our liquor distributor license. We don’t sell enough alcohol to pay for the registration and hassle.

I’m seating a couple and getting them started.

Me: “And anything to drink tonight?”

Wife: “I’ll have a margarita.”

Me: “We don’t sell alcohol. All our drinks are virgin, so is a virgin margarita okay?”

Wife: *Sighing dramatically* “What other options do I have?”

I list other options including water, horchata, soft drinks, and some other mocktails and non-alcoholic beers.

Wife: “Fine, I’ll have the virgin margarita.”

Later, after I’ve brought out their drinks, they flag me down.

Wife: “I am tasting this margarita, and I think it has alcohol. I specifically requested a virgin.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that your drink is virgin.”

Wife: “I am tasting alcohol. I think your bartender messed up.”

Me: “We don’t have a bartender, as we don’t have alcohol. I mixed the drink myself.”

Wife: “I tasted alcohol. There is alcohol, and my drink should be virgin. I want the drink taken off my bill.”

Me: “There is no alcohol on the premises. It is impossible for there to be alcohol in your drink.”

Wife: “I say that there’s alcohol in this drink. You must have forgotten to tell them that I wanted a virgin.”

Me: “Ma’am, there is no alcohol in it. There is no alcohol anywhere in the building.”

She asked to speak to the manager, who backed me up. She ended up paying but then wrote a review about how her drink had alcohol when she specifically requested a virgin.

1 Thumbs
401

The More You “Need” It The Less You Should Have It

, , , , , | Right | April 30, 2021

A woman wanders up to my register and plops down a six-pack of beer.

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, ma’am. I can’t sell you the beer until 8:00 am, it’s a state law.”

Customer: “But I need beer. When I walked in, it was almost 8:00, anyway.”

Me: “The register locks out alcohol sales until 8:00 am, so I can’t sell it to you until the register unlocks itself.”

Customer: “I really need this beer! I have to have it. You understand, don’t you?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do anything about it until eight. The store could lose its liquor license and I could be arrested, fined, and probably fired.”

Customer: “What if you total up the price of the beer and I’ll pay you cash for it? Nobody has to know.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t do that. You’ll have to wait until eight.”

Customer: *Finally losing it* “I REALLY NEED THIS BEER! MY DAUGHTER IS IN LABOR AND SHE CALLED ME AND SAID SHE NEEDS BEER!”

Me: “If your daughter is in labor, do you think it’s wise to give her beer?”

Customer: *Gets even madder* “FINE! I’ll go somewhere else where they’ll sell some beer!”

I told the store owner about it later and he said, “I’ve heard lots of stupid excuses from customers over the years, but that’s a new one for me.”

1 Thumbs
386

I’ll Take My Martini Mediocre, Please

, , , , , , | Working | April 12, 2021

A server puts in an order for a gin martini. I make it and set it on the bar.

Server: “Um… this guy said he wanted it perfect.”

Me: “Okay, then I need to remake it.”

Server: “Oh, why? What does that mean?”

Me: “Perfect means half dry and half sweet vermouth.”

Server: “Oh, I thought he just meant he wanted it really well made.”

1 Thumbs
326

Moonshine Is The Devil’s Drink; Wine Is A Gift From God

, , , , , , | Related | April 12, 2021

My mother-in-law recently bought a house in a small rural town and asked my husband and me to move in with her. She is very religious and has an interesting take on what is moral and what isn’t. Once we get settled in, I decide to learn a bit about the local history.

Me: “And did you know that [Town] used to be called [Name] Tavern? It was known for its moonshine. It’s a shame that there isn’t a bar in town called [Name] Tavern, but since it’s a dry county, I guess that’s out.”

Mother-In-Law: “We have moved into a hotbed of sin and alcoholism! We live in a tavern! How will I ever face my friends again?! They’ll think I’m a dirty liquor lover if they ever find out! Moonshine is the devil’s drink!

My husband then comes out of his office. 

Husband: “Hey, [My Name], do you feel like driving to [Neighboring Town] and getting us some wine to go with the steaks tonight?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, get me a good Pinot Grigio while you’re there. I’m almost out.”

1 Thumbs
377