I’d like to make a public service announcement. We have all bought salsa at the store only to be let down when we got home and tried it. But please don’t open the jar at the store, stick your finger in it, sample it, and then try to put it back on the shelf.

Who does that, you ask?

Apparently, some lady at [Major Retailer].

I am shopping when I hear the pop of a jar and turn around to see a finger leaving this lady’s mouth and her tightening the lid of a jar of salsa. Then, I watch as she debates putting it in her cart or back on the shelf — hopefully feeling some moral conflict — but then she turns to the shelf and sets it down.

I hate confrontation because I always feel like I’m a jerk and in the wrong, but I don’t know what happens. It just comes out of my mouth.

Me: “Surely you are not going to not buy that.”

Customer: “Oh, uh… I was just setting it down on the shelf for a second.”

Regardless of whether she was truly just setting it down for a second — but why? — she shouldn’t be taste-testing anything! This is so ridiculous!

Me: “Yeah, okay. I’m pretty sure you went to put it in your cart and then turned around and set it back on the shelf because you decided you didn’t want it. How would you like buying something someone else opened?”

I don’t even mention taste-testing. Eww!

Customer: “I was just setting it there for a second! Just leave me alone and mind your own business!”

Then, she started to curse at me and call me names.

Um…what?!

I talked to my sister after the incident, who told me that as much as she would like to confront the lady, she would probably have just watched her and waited until the lady left, and then she would have taken the jar to an employee. That would’ve been wise because then I would have known for sure that no one else would buy the sampled salsa; for all I know, as soon as I left her, she put it back on the shelf.

But hey, at least she had a mask… We are all so safe.

My wife and I are at the annual Fiery Foods Show, trying all sorts of hot sauce and salsas. We stop by a booth partially because my wife likes the salsa containers.

We take our samples and taste them and frankly, they’re not very good. The lady apparently thought bell peppers were the same as jalapeños or habaneros, and it is mostly fruit.

She asks us, “How do you like it?”

Not wanting to be rude, I say, “It’s interesting what people use in their salsas.”

Suddenly, she’s almost screaming at us, “THIS IS THE BEST STUFF HERE! EVERYTHING ELSE HERE IS JUST HOT!”

We walk away as she’s still almost screaming so we don’t hear the rest of what she said. My wife turns to me and says, “Doesn’t she understand that this is the Fiery Foods Show?”

(I decide to close my storefront and concentrate on other things. I put a big sign in the window that reads, “Grand Closing Sale!” Suddenly, I am getting lots of walk-in traffic, 90% idiots.)

Idiot #1: “So, everything’s half off?”

Me: “No, I’ve marked a lot of things down, but I can’t reduce the prices on the original artwork.”

Idiot #1: *pointing at original painting* “So, I can get this for half off?”

Me: “No. That’s not even marked down.”

Idiot #1: “Your sign says everything’s half off.”

Me: “No. It doesn’t.”

Idiot #1: “It does so; I just saw it.”

Me: *patient voice* “Step back out and read it again.”

Idiot #1: *rereads the sign* “Huh. I thought it did. So, how much will you sell me that for?”

Me: “$1,500.”

Idiot #1: “Why is that print so expensive?”

Me: “Because it’s not a print; it’s the original.”

Idiot #1: *tilts head thoughtfully, as though appraising the painting* “So… how much is it without the frame?”

Me: *having expected this* “$1,600. There’s a hundred dollar un-framing fee.”

Idiot #1: “Oh.” *wanders around for a while, then leaves*

(Later:)

Idiot #2: “Fifty percent off everything, eh?”

Me: “No. Just good prices on the prints and gifts.”

Idiot #2: “Not fifty percent off, like your sign says?”

(Later:)

Idiot #3: *looks around for a while and picks out some items* “I just love a half-off sale!”

Me: “Not everything’s half off.”

Idiot #3: “But your sign said…”

(And on, and on… for the entire month I was closing things out.)

Customer: “Can I take a frame out of the box to see what size it is?”

Me: “No, but I can find out the size for you.”

(I do a quick examination of the box.)

Me: “The size is 8×11.”

Customer: “There’s no way that’s 8×11.”

(She then opens the box! My coworker’s jaw and mine both hit the floor.)

Customer: “I know you said I couldn’t open it but I have to verify the size.” 

(Once she had “verified the size,” she then began trying to stuff the frame back into the box. It wouldn’t fit. She began to get frustrated and grabbed another box and asked to purchase it. I started off the ringing process, and while she wasn’t looking, I wrapped the opened box and frame and slipped it into her bag without her noticing. It was my small revenge for the lady who couldn’t care less about what I had to say.)

(I have just bought a new computer and decided to upgrade from dial-up to broadband Internet. They come and install everything, and the tech asks me to try to go online. I just get an error message.)

Tech: “Can I try it?”

Me: “Sure, have a seat.”

Tech: “I see the problem. You don’t have Explorer installed.”

Me: “It’s an Apple. It doesn’t use Explorer. It uses Safari.”

Tech: “Well, Explorer should be on the Windows disk. Where is your Windows disk?”

Me: “It’s an Apple. It doesn’t use Windows. It uses OS X. I have an OS X disk, with Safari on it. No Windows, no Explorer.”

Tech: “Oh, the Windows disk should have come with your computer. Go back to the store and tell them you didn’t get it. After you install Explorer, you should be able to go online. If you have any problems, call this number.”

(The tech hands me a card and leaves. I immediately call the number and ask for an Apple tech. I get transferred to a rep, and we have the following conversation:)

Rep: “Okay, do you see the little blue E on the desktop?”

Me: “I have an Apple; I wanted to talk to an Apple tech. Can you transfer me?”

Rep: “Yes, I am the Apple tech. Now, do you see a little blue E?”

Me: “It’s an Apple. It runs OS X and Safari. No Windows, no Internet Explorer.”

Rep: “Well, if you want to get online, you have to install Windows and Internet Explorer. Call me back when you do that; it will take a few hours.” *click*

(I wound up calling the Apple support desk, and they fixed the problem for me. There was something wrong with the settings on the router.)

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