(I work at a pool as a lifeguard. We always have problems with children running, even though it is the number one rule at the pool to walk on deck.)

Child: *runs across deck*

Me: “Walk please.”

(Five minutes later, the same child runs the other way.)

Me: “WALK!”

(Five minutes later, the child runs in front of me. I stop the child to make sure she understands me.)

Me: “You need to walk, okay? If I need to ask you again, I will sit you out for three minutes.”

(The child walks away and gets back into the pool. The mother approaches me.)

Parent: “She’s not running. She just walks on her tip toes.”

Me: “It’s not the manner of her movement. It’s the speed she’s moving.”

Parent: “But she’s not running.”

(Her child runs past again.)

Me: “WALK!”

Parent: “But she’s not run—”

Child: *slips and falls*

(I am calling back a customer who had a six-year-old TV with a cracked screen. Unfortunately, due to its age, we can no longer get parts for it.)

Me: “Hello, we’d like to let you know that unfortunately, we are unable to repair your product. The parts are discontinued.”

Customer: “So, you can’t fix it?”

Me: “Correct.”

Customer: “So you can fix it?”

Me: “No, the parts are unavailable.”

Customer: “Can you order them?”

Me: “No, the parts are discontinued.”

Customer: “You can order them somewhere else, yes?”

Me: “No, we cannot fix this unit at all.”

Customer: “Does [brand name] carry the part?”

Me: “No, they don’t.”

Customer: “Okay, so you can get it fixed, right? Test it again?”

Me: “No, we cannot fix it.”

Customer: “So it can’t be fixed?”

Me: “It cannot be fixed, ever, unfortunately.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll call you back when it’s done!” *click*

(My boyfriend has just sent me a text message. I hate coffee, but my boyfriend adores it.)

Boyfriend: “I wrote you a poem! It’s about coffee!”

How I love my coffee,
How it fills me with life.
How it soothes my heart,
How it calms my soul.
How it awakens my senses,
And makes me feel warm.
Oh, [My Name],
My coffee is you.

Me: “Aww, thanks. But I am not coffee.”

Boyfriend: “But I made it sound so good!”

This story is part of our Poetry roundup!

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(A customer has been wandering around our antique store for one-to-two hours. Finally, they come up to the front.)

Customer: “I wish you had tiled floors.”

Coworker: *confused* “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I wish you had tiled floors.”

Me: “Why’s that?”

Customer: “So I would be able to tell how big your furniture is.”

Coworker: “Well, we have a tape measure you can use. Would you like to borrow it?”

Customer: “Well, I guess that would work…”

(I’m on the phone with an irate customer who feels like she has been cheated by my company after purchasing a PVR (aka a DVR, or digital video recorder). Apparently, she misunderstood the previous rep who sold it to her. We have been arguing for quite some time.)

Customer: “I can’t get my money back? Why not? I was told that this PVR unit would let me watch shows that normally come on at 9 PM whenever I wanted.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t refund the item as it is past thirty days since you purchased it. Furthermore, there is no technology available that functions as you describe.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! What’s the point of buying this PVR if I can’t watch shows earlier?”

Me: “Ma’am, the unit is called a PVR. It’s a personal video recorder, and it allows you to record programs to watch at a later time. It is not a time machine.”

Customer: *click*