They Must Have Learned From Vader’s Wheezing Problem

, , , , , | Right | October 13, 2010

(An angry-looking young couple storms into the convenience store.)

Man: “You sell cigarettes?”

Me: “Yes.”

Man: “You smoking b****es!”

Me: “I don’t smoke. I’m not the one that picks out the–”

Woman: “That is f****** illegal!”

Me: “No, actually, it’s not.”

(The woman pulled something out of her purse and wrote a message on it. She slammed it on the counter and she and her husband stormed off. I looked at it later and it was a picture of a Death Star. The message read, “This is coming to get you!”)


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One More Of These And I’ll Squit

, , , , | Right | October 3, 2010

Customer: “I’ll have the chicken salad.”

Me: “All right.”

Customer: “Is there MSG in it?”

Me: “There might be some in the dressing. I can check for you. Are you allergic?

Customer: “No, it just gives me diarrhea.”

Me: “Uh… okay?”

Customer’s Friend: “That’s too much information!”

Customer: “No, she needs to know. You need to know, right?”

(Pause.)

Me: *nervous laughter* “Oh, absolutely.”

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Split Over Musical (Price) Differences

, , , , | Right | September 25, 2010

Customer: “Do you have [Popular Album]?”

Me: “Yep. It’s right over here.”

Customer: “That’s expensive.”

Me: “That’s pretty average”

Customer: “I bet [Competitor] is cheaper.”

Me: “I doubt it. We are usually a fair bit cheaper than they are.”

Customer: “I don’t know. I bet they are cheaper.”

Me: “I don’t think they will be, but they are right upstairs if you want to take a peek and come back.  You will see that we are cheaper.”

(The customer leaves and comes back 15 minutes later with our competitor’s bag.)

Me: “Oh, were they cheaper?”

Customer: “No, they were a lot more expensive. You should really stop recommending that place.”

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Tooth Isn’t The Only Thing Chipped

, , , , | Right | September 8, 2010

Customer: “Hi, I was in a few days ago, and something I ate chipped my tooth. I called and your boss said you would reimburse me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, it’s not our policy to offer cash reimbursement without the manager present. However, if you leave your information I will pass it along to the owners and we’ll see what we can do.”

Customer: “Oh.” *stands there staring at me for a minute*

Me: “Is there something else I could help you with?”

Customer: “Are you going to give me the money?”

Me: “No, sorry. Like I said, that’s not within our policy.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(I leave to refill another customer’s beverage. The customer steals my float container from the drawer through some sneaky maneuvering.)

Me: *catching the customer at the door* “I’m going to need to take that back from you.”

Customer: *reluctantly hands the float container back to me, looking forlorn* “But… but… it’s for ME!”

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I Scream Fraud

, , , , , | Right | September 5, 2010

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Ice Cream Department]. How may I help you?”

Customer: *sounding angry* “I just purchased some of your ice cream for my son and now he’s broken out in hives! He has an allergy and all your ingredients should be clearly labelled!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. It does say that our ice cream is both peanut and gluten-free, and our ingredients are available upon request, as they vary, depending on the type of ice cream someone orders.”

Customer: “Well, you didn’t tell me that before! And now my son has broken out in hives! This is all your fault!”

Me: “May I ask what your son is allergic to?”

Customer: “Sucrose. I don’t see why this matters.”

Me: *raises eyebrow* “Our ice cream doesn’t contain sucrose.”

(At this point, said customer’s young son walks in, looking perfectly fine and eating his ice cream.)

Customer: *surprised* “I told you to wait outside!” *in a lower voice* “…and out of sight!”

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