(I’m in line at a convenience store in our campus students’ union building, and conversing with the cashiers about a crazy customer they had in earlier. The store has a display of fresh fruit outside the store, but easily in view of the cash registers.)

Cashier: Yeah, he tried to take a mandarin without paying for it-

(At that moment, we hear some raving and a man in a black trench coat and black wide-rim hat starts yelling at the young man who had bought something before me. The young man is standing just outside the store, completely confused as to what’s going on.)

Cashier: That’s the guy… Oh, man.

Raving Customer: *pointing at the young man, who clearly doesn’t work in the store* You think you can’t sell me an orange?! YOU WON’T WORK IN THIS COUNTRY! YOU CAN’T WORK HERE! I want you to sell me an orange, you tell me no – YOU CAN’T WORK HERE! YOU ARE WRONG! YOU ARE AN A**HOLE MONKEY!

Young Man: *shakes his head and walks away*

(Raving Customer then starts pacing around the food court next to the convenience store ranting at no one in particular. As the cashier’s coworker calls security, I cash out and join my boyfriend waiting around outside the store. A few other people are there, watching to make sure Raving Customer doesn’t do anything. He’s made about two laps around the food court by now and passes within earshot, still raving.)

Raving Customer: I’m the New Superman, and I want an orange and a coffee – WHO’S BUYING?! You people won’t sell me – well, I’m the NEW SUPERMAN and I WANT an orange and coffee!

(I am working at a hardware store as a cashier when a customer approaches and asks for my help with a price match. He makes the process as infuriatingly slow and awkward as possible, all the while demanding discounts he doesn’t qualify for from our policies. He leaves for a brief moment, and I check in with a few managers and manage to get him a discount, despite him not actually being allowed to use our price-match policy due to a problem with our competitor’s site at the time.)

Customer: “I demand the extra 10% off; it’s in your policy!”

Me: “Actually, sir, it isn’t.”

(I pull out the policy and read it in its entirety to the customer.)

Me: “So, you see, you can’t get the extra 10%, because the item doesn’t qualify.”

Customer: “That doesn’t apply to me, because I don’t speak English!”

(I froze when he said that, and eventually he left, claiming he would take a picture of our competitor’s sign and get an extra 20% off for it the next time.)

(We’ve had many “customers” use our phone to coordinate drug deals, so we have put a sticker on the phone saying that it is not a public phone. We are allowed to call people cabs but they cannot use the phone themselves. I also sometimes offer to charge their cell phones for them to be able to use if they are polite. I have never seen this woman before in the store. She comes up to the customer service counter. She looks to be in her late 30s, at least.)

Customer: “Hey, can I use the phone to call my boyfriend to come get me?”

Me: “Sorry, but we don’t have a public phone for you to use. I can call you a cab, or I can charge your phone for you here, but I’m not allowed to let you use the phone.”

Customer: “Excuse me? I am a paying customer! I have a full cart of groceries right now in the clothes section! I want to use the phone!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this is not a public phone, and I cannot let you use it. As I said, I can call you a cab or charge your phone for you.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I understand why you’d say that to people who come in off the street, but I am buying things in the store right now! I want your manager!”

Me: “Okay.”

(I call over my supervisor.)

Me: “She wants to use the phone.”

Supervisor: “Okay.” *starts looking for the portable phone to give to the customer, since my supervisor likes to be nice to everybody*

Customer: “What is taking so long? I just want to use the phone to call my boyfriend! Why can’t I use this one here?” *waits about twenty seconds* “Never mind! I’m never shopping here again!”

(The customer storms off towards the clothes section. About five minutes later, the customer brings back a nearly-full cart which must have taken at least an hour to fill up.)

Customer: “Here you go! I was planning to buy all of this today, but since you are so rude, I’m leaving!”

(She left behind a nearly full drink — from a slightly expensive smoothie place that isn’t near our store — in her cart, covered by her groceries. She never came back for it, so I was happy to throw that into the garbage!)

Customer: “How long is the 1 year manufacturer’s warranty? Is it 1 year?”

Me:”…yes.”

(There is this store where if you return five containers that are empty, you can get a free face mask. I’m a customer, watching this happen.)

Customer: *buying a bunch of stuff* “I also finished five containers.”

Employee: “Oh, do you have them with you?”

Customer: “No, I threw them out.”

Employee: *pause* “I’m sorry, but we have to have the five containers, or we can’t give you the mask.”

Customer: “But I emptied them out! I want my free face mask! Won’t you just throw them away if I gave them to you?”

Employee: “Actually, we recycle them into the signs.”

Customer: *looks around, pays for stuff, and leaves in a huff* “Fine, but the next time I come back with the empty pots, I want two free face masks!”