The Worst Kind Of Wedgie

, , , , | Romantic | January 14, 2021

I make the mistake of not putting my new underwear in a lingerie bag when I wash them in the washing machine. I should’ve washed them by hand, in hindsight. One thong gets caught in the agitator and some socks and other panties get tangled up into a bundle. It takes ten frustrating minutes to untangle the whole thing.

When I come upstairs, I am cursing the washing machine and my own stupidity.

Me: “Stupid f****** machine!”

Husband: “What’s wrong, hon?”

I explain what happened. He kind of chuckles. 

Me: “What?”

Husband: “So, basically, you’ve got your panties in a bunch?”

I’m still giggling at that two days later. He knows how to cheer me up.

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You Gotta Think Fast When Santa’s Involved

, , , , , | Related | January 9, 2021

I love reminding my twenty-two-year-old daughter of this story. Several years ago, when my oldest children were six and four, my husband — their step-dad — dressed up as Santa and came to my parents’ house where we were visiting on Christmas Eve. He did the whole bit, dropped off presents, and headed out the door with a “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”

After he left, I had the following conversation with my little girl, who was four.

Daughter: “I know that wasn’t Santa. That was [Step-Dad].”

Me: “What makes you think that?”

Daughter: “Santa isn’t that tall.”

My husband is 6’2”.

Me: “Okay, you’re right. That was [Step-Dad]. Santa asked him to help out tonight because he’s really busy and running behind.”

Daughter: *In shock and awe* “[Step-Dad] knows Santa?!”

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When The Day Feels Twice As Long

, , , , | Right | January 8, 2021

Customer: “Why am I being charged for two days? I only had it for forty-eight hours!”

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If They Can’t Handle Two Dimensions, Wait Until They Discover There’s A Third

, , , | Right | January 7, 2021

Customer: “What size trailers do you have?”

Me: “Either 5′ x 8′ or 6′ x 12′.”

Customer: “What does 5′ x 8′ mean?”

Me: “It’s five feet wide and eight feet long.”

Customer: “But what does that mean?!

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Sometimes The Classics Still Get You

, , , , | Right | January 6, 2021

Customer: “I’d like to know how much the truck costs?”

Me: “Which size?”

Customer: “The one that’s $19.95.”

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