Weak Week Magic

, , , , , | Learning | March 11, 2019

(I’m a teacher. The assistant principal at my school is laid back and hilarious. I’m walking out for the day when I stop to talk to him.)

Me: “Hey, [Assistant Principal]. I was wondering something.”

Assistant Principal: “What’s up?”

Me: “Can you use your magic assistant principal powers to make it Friday?”

Assistant Principal: “If I could, I’d make it Friday every few days. Our weeks would be: Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and then Friday again!”

All You’re Ever Gonna Be Is Mean

, , , , , | Learning | February 20, 2019

I work with kindergarten students who have special needs. I have a handful of them that I instruct daily. One little boy, [Student #1], is very self-sufficient — or tries very hard to be, anyway — but still requires my help with schoolwork. He likes to call me “mean” whenever he doesn’t get his way. I take it in stride and tell him that those are not nice words. One day, I end up busy with one of my less-independent students, [Student #2], who needs my attention all day due to a meltdown.

Due to this, [Student #1] has a different helper for a few hours who is “nice” and lets him get away with bad behavior to some extent.

At the end of the day when [Student #2] is picked up by their parents, I am talking to the helper, getting caught up on [Student #1].

[Student #1] looks over at me, smiles his very sweet smile, and says to me, “Can you please go away now?”

I laugh so hard I snort and the helper just stares at him like, “Did he really just say that?” while [Student #1] is just smiling away.

Mom Is Way Out Of Line

, , , , , | Related | February 7, 2019

(It is the late 90s/early 2000s when I am a pre-teen shopping with my mom. My mom grabs only a drink from a cooler by the cash registers. I assume we are just going to join a nearby line for a cashier, but my mom instead marches up to the cashier, who is currently checking out another woman, and holds out her drink.)

Mom: “Ring this up for me.”

Me: “Mom! What are you doing?”

Mom: “I have one thing.”

Me: *meekly* “But there’s a line.”

Cashier: *looking quite startled* “Ma’am, I’m currently checking out this lady.”

Customer: *looking at my mom in disbelief* “What are you doing?!”

Mom: “I have only this. Ring it up!”

Me: “Mom, we need to get in line.”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I can’t stop in the middle.”

Mom: “I have only one thing. Fine, then!” *tosses roughly the amount needed for the cash at the cashier*

Me: *follows my mom, incredibly embarrassed* “Mom, why did you that?”

Mom: “I only had one thing. They can check out an old white woman quicker than that black with a cartful.”

(Whoever you were customer and cashier, I am so sorry on behalf of my closet racist of a mother.)

It’s Crunch-Time In The Stupid Department

, , , , | Right | January 25, 2019

(I work at a sushi bar. I notice a customer picking at a roll with her chopsticks. My server senses were tingling so I immediately went to check on the table.)

Me: “Everything tasting good?”

Customer: “Well, my roll just wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.”

Me: “I am sorry that you are not enjoying your roll. I can have another made for you. What is it about this one that you are not fond of? ”

Customer: “The texture is just way too crunchy for my liking.”

Me: “So, your super crunch roll was too crunchy?”

I Don’t Have The Words

, , , | Right | January 6, 2019

(The phone rings at the library where I work, so I answer it. We’re a big, two-story library in the middle of a small town, and have been for over ten years.)

Me: “[Library], can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, uh, y’all got a lot of books?”