She Will Shake Away The World

, , , , , , | Healthy | July 19, 2019

(My seven-year-old daughter was recently tested for ADHD, which means she and I have to go back to the psychiatrist’s office two weeks later to review the results. While I am talking with the psychiatrist, my daughter is sitting on the floor playing with an Etch-a-Sketch. The psychiatrist is explaining to me that although my daughter does now have an ADHD diagnosis, she wasn’t able to specify a subtype. Specifically, the tests are less accurate with exceptionally bright children because if a task is designed to take ten minutes but the child solves the problem in two, the test is only able to measure two minutes’ worth of attention span instead of the ten it was supposed to.)

Psychiatrist: “So, it’s clear that your daughter’s brain is working on a different level than her teacher expects–”

Daughter: *interrupting* “Mom, look! Can you guess what I drew?”

(She’d gotten almost the entire Etch-a-Sketch screen to be black.)

Me: “Um… a black bear at night?”

Daughter: “MOM. No, it’s the void! And now I’m going to magically make the void disappear…” *shakes Etch-a-Sketch* “There, now I’ve deleted that dimension.”

Psychiatrist: “So, as I was saying… different level.”

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Arguing About The Clock Until You’re Off It

, , , , | Right | July 5, 2019

(I’m a cashier at a big-box hobby type store where we also sell home decor items, as decorating is apparently a hobby. The store I work for has weekly sales in home decor where specific groups of items are 50% off. While we are a large national chain, we do not scan any items in and instead hand-key every item and apply discounts to sale items as needed. Because of this, and because I have been with the company for a few years now, I have all the sales memorized as they are on a rotating schedule. Being a cashier, I am no stranger to crazy experiences, but this one left me speechless. It’s five minutes before my shift ends and an older woman, her adult daughter, and her young granddaughter decide my line is the best to come through. They have four carts that are absolutely full of items from our home decor section, and most of the items they have chosen to purchase that day happen to not be on sale. I’m ringing through the items when I get to a huge wall clock that is fairly pricey; it is also not on sale.)

Customer: “No, that clock is supposed to be on sale this week! I need you to give me half off for it.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it was actually on sale last week, so maybe there is a chance one of the signs was left up from last week. Let me call my department head, and if the sign was left up from last week I will be more than happy to give you the discount as that was our error.”

(The department head informs me that there is a sign on the end of where the clocks are, but it is not for the clocks and it does not say anything about clocks on it.)

Me: “Ma’am, my department head has let me know that the sign you saw is actually for the items on display on the end cap and not for the clocks. If you would like, I can take the clock off the ticket for you.”

Customer: *almost yelling at me* “No, I want this clock! But you still need to give me the half-off discount. It’s not like I actually read the sign. I just saw the sign said 50% off, so I figured that it was for the clocks.”

Me: “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, but as the sign does not actually say clocks on it, I cannot give you the discount for the clock.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just stupid, I don’t understand why I can’t just get the discount. It’s not my fault I didn’t actually read the sign. I just saw it near the clocks, so it had to be for the clocks.”

(I’m a little thrown. I’ve had this type of misunderstanding happen before, but normally, once I explain to customers about what the sign actually says, they understand. Luckily, before I say something I regret, the customer’s daughter decides to speak up.)

Daughter: “Mother, what is your problem? You’re making yourself look like a fool. Now, either get the clock or don’t, but let this nice lady do her job. It’s your fault you didn’t read the d*** thing, not hers.”

(I smiled and mouthed, “Thank you,” to the daughter and finished out the transactions they all had, with no more incidents as the daughter had decided to take over for the mother. The daughter continued to tell me how nice and courteous I was. By the time I was done ringing up all four carts, they had spent in excess of $2000 and it was 20 minutes past time for me to clock out.)

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The Problem Is Large

, , , , | Right | June 19, 2019

(I work in a grocery store deli. A mother and two kids, probably around 11 and 8, walk up to the hot bar. The customer’s kids are each demanding their mom get them something from the hot bar. After they go back and forth for a few moments, the customer finally orders.)

Customer: “I want some macaroni.”

Me: “Okay, what size would you like? Small or large?”

Customer: “Do you have a medium?”

Me: “No, ma’am.” *reaches for the cups to show her the size, now holding up both cups* “Just small and large, 8 and 16 ounces.”

Customer: “Which one is bigger?”

Me: *losing faith in humanity while I hold the large cup a little higher* “The large.”

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“It Doesn’t Work” Doesn’t Work As A Descriptor

, , , , , | Right | June 18, 2019

(I work in a small call center providing technical support to retirement homes. I have the utmost respect for nurses. However, they are some of the worst when it comes to technical support. There is a very common documentation software we deal with.)

Caller: “My computer doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay, we’ll take a look and see what’s going on. What’s happening on the screen?”

Caller: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, it’s not coming on?”

Caller: “Well, no, it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, no lights at all?”

Caller: “Well, no, the lights are on.”

Me: “So, it has power.”

Caller: “I guess. But it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Is there anything on the screen?”

Caller: “No, it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, you have a completely black screen?”

Caller: “Well, no, but it doesn’t work.”

(My patience fading…)

Me: “What, exactly, does the screen look like?”

Caller: “Well, it’s white.”

Me: “So, you have a blank, white screen?”

Caller: “Yes, it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, there is a blank, white screen, nothing on it?”

Caller: “Yes, because it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Did this happen when you turned the computer on? Or were you working on something?”

Caller: “No, I wasn’t doing anything. It just stopped working.”

Me: “So, you logged in and got a blank, white screen.”

Caller: “Well, no. I put my name thing in and password.”

Me: “So, you could log in.”

Caller: “I guess, but it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, you logged in and the screen went white.”

Caller: “Well, no. I had the blue screen first.”

Me: “Okay. You went to the desktop? Where you saw icons?”

Caller: “Well, yes. But it’s not working.”

(But is it working?)

Me: “So, you were on the desktop, and then everything went white?”

Caller: “Well, no, I was doing documentation.”

Me: “So, you were in [Documentation Software] and the program stopped working?”

Caller: “Well, it doesn’t work.”

Me: “So, you were able to log in and start using [Documentation Software], and now the screen is blank and white?”

Caller: “Well, no.”

Me: “So, is there something on the screen?

Caller: “Well, no. Not really.”

Me: “Not really?”

Caller: “Well, it’s not working.”

Me: “I understand that it’s not working. But is there something on the screen?”

Caller: “Well, yes, but not my documentation.”

Me: “Okay, can you describe it for me? Tell me everything on the screen from top to bottom.”

Caller: “But it’s not working.”

Me: “Yes, I know. But I need to know exactly what’s not working.”

Caller: “Well, it’s my computer. It’s not working.”

Me: “Are there words on your screen?”

Caller: “Well, yes, but not [Documentation Software].”

Me: “Okay. What are the words on your screen? Read it to me.”

Caller: “It says, ‘Login Expired.”’”

Me: “So, you need a password update?”

Caller: “Well, yes. Because it’s not working.”

Me: “Okay. Your new password is [password]. You can log back in.”

Caller: “Oh! It’s working again! I guess it fixed itself!” *click*

(Cue my coworkers’ screams of laughter. Luckily, most of our calls are not this bad!)

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These Kids Lacked Some Parental Guidance

, , , | Right | June 17, 2019

(A young teenager who has purchased tickets to a PG-rated film has just been caught sneaking into an R-rated film. I happen to recall this customer, as I sold him the ticket.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir. Do you have tickets for this film?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “May I see them?”

Customer: “I left them in the theater.”

Me: “Which theater? We can go find them.”

Customer: “Nah, my cousin has them.”

Me: “You do know you need to be 17 or older to see this film, correct?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “May I see some ID?”

Customer: “I don’t have it.”

Me: “Okay, that is fine. I recall you purchasing a ticket for [Movie]. If you would like to go back in there, that is okay.”

Customer: “F*** you, man.”

Me: “Well, in that case, you’re welcome to head through that door over there.”

(I gesture to the exit.)

Customer: “I want my money back.”

Me: “Sure. If we can get your tickets, we can return them to the box office for a refund.”

Customer: “I don’t want a refund; I want my money back.”

Me: “Well, you can either get your money back or get a refund. Pick one, because they’re both the same thing.”

Customer: “I don’t need this s***. F*** you.”

Me: “Well, in that case, let me walk you to this door.”

(I escorted him out of the building, sans refund.)

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