My mother is normally very smart. However, this is a story I still get to tease her about.

Me: “How are you enjoying your new jacuzzi tub?”

Mom: “It’s okay, but I wish it was a little shallower.”

Me: “Why’s that?”

Mom: “Well, I’m so short that when I fill it with water, it’s up to my chin. When I turn on the jets, I feel like I’m almost drowning.”

Me: “The water only has to cover the top of the jets, right? It doesn’t have to be to the top of the tub.”

Mom: “…”

I laughed so hard I had to sit down.

My father is undergoing physical therapy for a shoulder injury. They gave him an injection in his shoulder, and he started describing how big the syringe was and how big the needle was.

Father: “It was the size of a BIC pen!”

I cut in.

Me: “Well, all guys exaggerate how big the pr*ck is.”

He started belly-laughing at that and agreed with that statement.

I work in logistics. I get a call from a receiver who is up in arms and is demanding that we deliver on Christmas Day. He states that we never let him know that we would be closed. That is not true; he has responded to emails where we clearly stated that we’ll be closed on the 25th, and he acknowledged it. This was explained in the call.

Receiver: “Ah, Christmas! Just another excuse for you lazy people to not work! God isn’t real!”

He then goes on a rant about how useless the world is and how religion is fake and stupid and isn’t worth talking about and no one worships.

However, he ends the call with:

Receiver: “God bless you all!”

I could tell it was heartfelt and he meant it — zero sarcasm or malice.

After the call, I had to step away and try to process. The crazy is strong today…

A couple come into the store and storm up to my manager and me. They put an invoice on the desk and start complaining:

Customer: “I ordered a leather recliner from you, and I’m very upset with the quality!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What is the issue with it?”

Customer: “It’s the leather! The texture doesn’t match all over.”

I check the order number from the invoice, and I can see that they ordered their recliner in uncorrected leather.

There are different types of leather: dyed leather, top grain, corrected, uncorrected, etc. The most expensive leathers are typically uncorrected which means the hide is tanned and you will see barbed wire scratches, tick marks, blemishes, and the texture will not be uniform.

A cow’s back skin is different than the skin on the belly just like your skin is different on your forearm is different from the skin on the palm of your hand. That’s the character and nature of real, high-end leather. Corrected leathers have fillers, are sanded smooth, or have an embossed uniform texture and from a distance look just like vinyl.

Me: “It looks like you ordered this in uncorrected leather. That’s a really good choice, as the manufacturer uses an entire hide or more to cover the recliner! No two hides are alike, and they use as much of the hide as possible to avoid waste. That’s why it doesn’t look uniform.”

Customer: “But it looks gross! You should have explained that to me!”

Me: “Our sales representatives show examples of all kinds of leather when they’re making a sale. They would have explained this to you. You really have chosen the highest-quality leather according to the industry! You should be happy!”

Customer: *Seemingly coming around.* “So they used the whole hide, eh?”

Me: “That’s right! They waste nothing.”

Customer: *Condescendingly, as if trying to catch me out.* “Well what do they do with the a**hole?”

Manager: *Light-heartedly quipping.* “That’s what they put the reclining handle through!”

They walked away looking satisfied. I asked my manager how he knew that would work and he said:

Manager: “I didn’t! I was trying to calm them down with a joke; I didn’t think they’d believe me!”

I got new insurance, and my old doctor wasn’t covered, so I went to a new doctor for an issue.

New Doctor: “As much as doctors can do for you, the best medicine is to pray to God because He knows what’s wrong with you better than I, and He can heal you better than anything I can do.”

After that, I asked for a different doctor.