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No Vocation For Location, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | November 3, 2010

Customer: “Yes, I am wondering why I got hit with roaming charges in the Bahamas?”

Me: “It’s because your plan offers you coverage in the United States and outside of it there are roaming charges.”

Customer: “Well, I never got these charges in Puerto Rico!”

Me: “That’s because Puerto Rico is part of the US.”

Customer: “But it takes me longer to get there!”


This story is part of the More Clueless Tourists roundup!

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Suffering From A-Salt

, , , , , , | Right | September 4, 2010

(I’m the director of our small-town library. One of my summer volunteers is a sixteen-year-old girl who is diabetic. She works the lunch shift, and I allow her to eat her lunch at the checkout counter.)

Patron: *to the volunteer* “Hey, can you tell me if you have this book?” *hands over a sheet of paper*

Volunteer: *putting fork down* “Yes. It’s over here. I’ll go get it for you.”

(She walks away. I notice the lady at the desk sniffing the air. She looks around, clearly sees me staring at her, and proceeds to take a large bite of my volunteer’s food. She obviously doesn’t like it, and takes a large container of something out of her purse and dumps it all over the food. She takes another bite, and looks satisfied.)

Volunteer: *coming back* “Here’s your… wait. Why are you eating my lunch?”

Patron: “It was a free sample. And I must say, whoever made it is a terrible cook. It’s very tasteless. I have to put my entire container of salt on this to make it edible!”

Volunteer: “That was my lunch. I’m a diabetic, so of course it wouldn’t taste very good!”

Me: “Ma’am, you just ate her lunch. Why?”

(As I am talking the volunteer scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It says, ‘Ignore what I’m about to do.’ She then falls to the ground, shaking and convulsing.)

Patron: “Oh, s***!” *runs out of the library*

Volunteer: “I learned how to do that to get my brothers in trouble.”


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Translation Is No Small Feat

, , , | Right | July 16, 2010

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Supermarket]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hey, can I speak to someone in the ladies wear department?”

Me: “That’d be me. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I bought some scrubs at another store and I was wondering what the ‘S/CH’ on the tag means?”

Me: “It means it’s a small.”

Customer: “But what does the ‘CH’ mean?”

Me: “It’s the Spanish abbreviation for small.”

Customer: “But ‘CH’; isn’t that American?”

Me: “The letters C and H are used in a lot of different languages, including Spanish.”

Customer: “Oh, how strange!”


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A Rude Retorte

, , , , | Right | July 12, 2010

(I am a cake decorator in a bakery. I am closing up the department when the phone rings.)

Me: “This is the bakery. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes! Oh, my god, please tell me you have the cake kit!”

Me: “Yes, we do have the kit.”

Customer: “Finally! I’ve looked everywhere for it and you’re the only place that has it! Okay, I need to order a cake.”

Me: “All right, when are you going to need it?”

Customer: “In about thirty minutes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I am not be able to do that.”

Customer: “What? Why the h*** not?”

Me: “The bakery closes at 6:00 pm on Sundays and I’ve already clocked out for the day. I can place the order for tomorrow afternoon, though.”

Customer: “No! No! I need it now! It’s my son’s birthday today and I need a cake! I forgot to order the cake!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. There’s nothing I can do.”

Customer: “You can make my son’s god-d*** cake is what you can do!”

Me: “I’m sorry. You can come and choose one from our case and I could write something on it for you.”

Customer: “No! I don’t want those cakes! That’s great! Just great! I hope you’re happy; you just ruined my baby’s first birthday!” *hangs up*

Pray None Of Her Patients Read This

, , , , | Right | April 29, 2010

(I am installing a home security system for a new customer. All customers require a password that the monitoring service uses to verify their identity when the alarm is tripped.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. If your alarm is ever tripped, our monitoring service will call the house to make sure help is needed. We need you to select a password for when they call.”

Customer: “Well, what password should I select?”

Me: “It just needs to be something easy to remember.”

Customer: “Can you suggest something?”

Me: “Well, what do you do for a living?”

Customer: “I’m a nurse.”

Me: “Okay, your password could be ‘Nurse’.”

Customer: “Hmm, I don’t know if I could remember that.”