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Should The Board Be Worried?

, , , | Friendly | June 1, 2017

(Many years ago, before Facebook was even a thing, I was a member of an active Internet message board. We all had screen names that we used in lieu of our real names. Many of us became friends in real life, and attended various gatherings all over the country. For some reason, I became the one that everybody trusted with their real world contact information (email addresses, phone numbers, etc.), and if somebody went missing from the board for too long, I would be asked to check on them. So, cue a (male) member going missing for a couple weeks, who was usually on every day. Somebody asks me to call him, so I look through my info and dial the phone. Never had it dawned on me, until a female answers the phone, that I have no idea what this guy’s real name is… All I know is his screen name.)

Wife: “Hello?”

Me: “Um…”

Wife: “Who is this?”

Me: “Okay. This is going to sound super-strange, but is this the phone number belonging to somebody who uses the screen name [Screen Name] on the website [Message Board]?”

Wife: *long silence* “I think you maybe want my husband?”

Me: “I promise I’m not a crazy stalker; it’s just that he hasn’t been online and the board is worried about him.”

Wife: *laughing* “Honey! Come to the phone and tell your crazy friends that our computer has been down!”

(Needless to say, I made sure to note everybody’s real first name after that! He was back online a few days later.)

Very Personal Banking

, , , , , | Working | December 30, 2016

(I am working as a bank teller at a small bank branch. I’m also very pregnant, so sometimes my “pregnant brain” turns on and I forget something, say something strange, or cry at the most ridiculous things. All my coworkers are women and have young kids, so they help me out when I’m having a bad day, and we all laugh when I do anything crazy. I have a younger male customer come in and start walking towards my window. I start to greet him, but instead of, “Hi, what can I do for you today?” my pregnant brain takes over and I say:)

Me: “Hi, what can I do to you today? Wait! No! I mean… not do to you. I meant, oh, wow, this is going downhill fast.”

(That poor man’s face was so red, and all my coworkers laughed at me the rest of the afternoon.)


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Drawing Blood For The Rokeg Blood Pie

, , , | Working | June 24, 2016

(I’m a junior in high school and I’m waiting to have my blood taken. As the nurse is sanitizing my arm, she looks up and sees the head doctor.)

Nurse:  “Aw, man… I hate it when he’s here. He always looks over your shoulder when you’re trying to work!”

(I twist around to look in his direction.)

Nurse: “He’s the bald man that looks like a Klingon.” *shocked look* “Did I say that out loud?”

Me: *dying of laughter* “Yes… Yes, you did!”


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Just A (Cast The First) Stone’s Throw Away From A True Christian

, , , , , | Right | May 15, 2014

(I live in the Bible Belt of America, where homophobia is the norm. I’m a gay man and was outed by a previous coworker, so now I deal with two or three bigots per week. This takes place on an early Sunday morning.)

Me: “Hello. Did you find everything today?”

Customer #1: *a bigot who frequents my lane just to insult me* “Everything except a good, god-fearing cashier!”

Me: *scanning items and not paying attention* “Your total is $48.50, sir. Would you like to pay cash or credit?”

Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell, you know! You and all your god-d***ed f****ts! Pick up a Bible and learn how to be a Christian!”

(He then throws his credit card at me. I check him out while enduring his verbal abuse, as usual. Finally, he’s gone to bag his groceries while the next customer comes up. He’s an elderly man, around 60, wearing a sweater and a large prominent cross. I fear the worst but he hands me a gift card.)

Customer #2: “Bless you, son. I’d like you to have this to make up for those of us who are less than their best.”

([Customer #1] has heard [Customer #2] and starts yelling.)

Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell for supporting this f**! Learn how to be a good Christian!”

([Customer #2] removes his sweater to reveals he’s a priest. [Customer #1]’s eyes widen in shock.)

Customer #2: “Well, if I’m going to Hell I don’t believe there’s much hope for any of us now, is there?”

(He was the new pastor for the church and one of his first sermons was on spreading love instead of hate. I thank you, good sir, for reminding me what a real Christian is like.)

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Keep Your Shirt On

, , , | Right | April 30, 2014

([Customer #1] is a man in his mid-50s, in a suit, and very polite. [Customer #2] is in his mid-30s, with a greasy ponytail and tie-dyed shirt. I go to deliver their food.)

Me: “Can I bring you gentlemen anything else?”

Customer #1: “No, thank you.”

Customer #2: “No, I’m fine.”

(As I’m turning around, [Customer #2] snaps his fingers at me.)

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer #2: “You know, I own a restaurant.”

Me: “That’s nice, sir.”

Customer #2: *leers* “I’ll give you $10 and a T-shirt for an ‘interview’ in my car.”

Me: “No, thanks. I love my job.”

Customer #2: “I could make it two T-shirts?”


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