Suffering From A-Salt

, , , , , , | Right | September 4, 2010

(I’m the director of our small-town library. One of my summer volunteers is a sixteen-year-old girl who is diabetic. She works the lunch shift, and I allow her to eat her lunch at the checkout counter.)

Patron: *to the volunteer* “Hey, can you tell me if you have this book?” *hands over a sheet of paper*

Volunteer: *putting fork down* “Yes. It’s over here. I’ll go get it for you.”

(She walks away. I notice the lady at the desk sniffing the air. She looks around, clearly sees me staring at her, and proceeds to take a large bite of my volunteer’s food. She obviously doesn’t like it, and takes a large container of something out of her purse and dumps it all over the food. She takes another bite, and looks satisfied.)

Volunteer: *coming back* “Here’s your… wait. Why are you eating my lunch?”

Patron: “It was a free sample. And I must say, whoever made it is a terrible cook. It’s very tasteless. I have to put my entire container of salt on this to make it edible!”

Volunteer: “That was my lunch. I’m a diabetic, so of course it wouldn’t taste very good!”

Me: “Ma’am, you just ate her lunch. Why?”

(As I am talking the volunteer scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It says, ‘Ignore what I’m about to do.’ She then falls to the ground, shaking and convulsing.)

Patron: “Oh, s***!” *runs out of the library*

Volunteer: “I learned how to do that to get my brothers in trouble.”


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Translation Is No Small Feat

, , , | Right | July 16, 2010

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Supermarket]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hey, can I speak to someone in the ladies wear department?”

Me: “That’d be me. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I bought some scrubs at another store and I was wondering what the ‘S/CH’ on the tag means?”

Me: “It means it’s a small.”

Customer: “But what does the ‘CH’ mean?”

Me: “It’s the Spanish abbreviation for small.”

Customer: “But ‘CH’; isn’t that American?”

Me: “The letters C and H are used in a lot of different languages, including Spanish.”

Customer: “Oh, how strange!”


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A Rude Retorte

, , , , | Right | July 12, 2010

(I am a cake decorator in a bakery. I am closing up the department when the phone rings.)

Me: “This is the bakery. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes! Oh, my god, please tell me you have the cake kit!”

Me: “Yes, we do have the kit.”

Customer: “Finally! I’ve looked everywhere for it and you’re the only place that has it! Okay, I need to order a cake.”

Me: “All right, when are you going to need it?”

Customer: “In about thirty minutes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I am not be able to do that.”

Customer: “What? Why the h*** not?”

Me: “The bakery closes at 6:00 pm on Sundays and I’ve already clocked out for the day. I can place the order for tomorrow afternoon, though.”

Customer: “No! No! I need it now! It’s my son’s birthday today and I need a cake! I forgot to order the cake!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. There’s nothing I can do.”

Customer: “You can make my son’s god-d*** cake is what you can do!”

Me: “I’m sorry. You can come and choose one from our case and I could write something on it for you.”

Customer: “No! I don’t want those cakes! That’s great! Just great! I hope you’re happy; you just ruined my baby’s first birthday!” *hangs up*

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Pray None Of Her Patients Read This

, , , , | Right | April 29, 2010

(I am installing a home security system for a new customer. All customers require a password that the monitoring service uses to verify their identity when the alarm is tripped.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. If your alarm is ever tripped, our monitoring service will call the house to make sure help is needed. We need you to select a password for when they call.”

Customer: “Well, what password should I select?”

Me: “It just needs to be something easy to remember.”

Customer: “Can you suggest something?”

Me: “Well, what do you do for a living?”

Customer: “I’m a nurse.”

Me: “Okay, your password could be ‘Nurse’.”

Customer: “Hmm, I don’t know if I could remember that.”

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Not Seeing The Forest For The Greasy Trees

, , , | Right | April 16, 2010

(I’m working the concession stand, and a customer has just ordered a jumbo popcorn.)

Customer: “Is that real butter in the squirty thing?”

Me: “It’s vegetable oil with artificial butter flavoring.”

Customer: “Okay, gimme some of that.”

Me: *squirting some butter* “There you go. Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “Little more, please?”

Me: *squirt* “How’s that?”

Customer: “Keep going. I’ll say when.”

(I keep squirting until there’s about two inches of yellow oil in the bottom of the tub. The popcorn is starting to float out the top.)

Customer: “Okay, that’s good.”

Me: “All right, then. Is there anything else you’d like today?”

Customer: “Lemme have a Diet Coke. A small one. I’m trying to watch my weight.”

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