(I work weekends at a fast food restaurant to help out with the bills. This particular exchange happens when I am taking orders in the drive-thru one Saturday afternoon. Note: at this restaurant, meals include fries and a drink.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I need two chicken nugget meals, one with a vanilla shake instead of a drink, and the other with a lemonade.”

Me: *repeats order back, prepares to give total*

Customer: “Wait, wait, wait. Now, I don’t want chicken nuggets.”

Me: *almost positive that she asked for nugget meals* “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you need a different meal?”

Customer: *with increasing frustration* “No, my son wants the nuggets, but I don’t.”

(At this point, I assume she’s accidentally ordered the wrong meal for herself, so I cancel one of them and wait for her to order the correct one.)

Me: “Oh, all right. And which meal did you need, ma’am?”

Customer: “I already told you, I want the chicken nugget meal, just with no nuggets.”

Me: “So… just an order of fries and a lemonade?”

(Keep in mind, the price for fries and a lemonade is SIGNIFICANTLY lower than any of our meal prices, so there’s no monetary reason for her to order this way.)

Customer: *exasperated* “Yes! God, what is so confusing about that?”

(I manage a distribution center, but I am filling in for the manager of another facility for the week. One of the duties of the branch manager is to fill all walk-in orders.)

Customer: “What are your prices?”

Me: *indicating clearly-marked price board* “The prices are [amount] and [volume discount price].”

Customer: “Well, I always pay [lower price]. I buy from the other branch all the time and they give me a discount!”

Me: “You mean the facility in [City]?”

Customer: “Yes, I purchase from them all the time! You should give me the same price.”

Me: “That’s odd; I don’t recall ever seeing you before.”

Customer: “Why would you have seen me before?!”

Me: “I am the manager of the branch in [City], and I handle all accounts for that location.”

Customer: “Um, I’ll just take [product] at regular price.”

Me: “Thank you. Have a nice day, sir.”

(I am working as a long-term sub for a teacher on maternity leave. It is an English class and we are reading Julius Caesar. While the kids are working on a different assignment, I mention something I just heard on the news.)

Me: “Hey, something you guys might find interesting: archaeologists just announced they found where Caesar landed with his army during their invasion of England.”

Student: “But… they didn’t have planes back then.”

Me: *bewildered* “Uh, no, but they did have ships.”

Student: “But why didn’t they just drive?”

Me: “You didn’t do well in geography, did you?”

(I am a boy working a popular restaurant with a regular inside. It’s a slow night. A man with a cap on walks inside.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “It’s okay if you need some tim–”

Customer: *pulls out a pistol*

Regular: *screams and tackles the customer to the floor*

Me: *starts running to the back*

Regular: “Wait! It’s a joke! It’s a joke!”

(Turned out they were brothers and wanted some enjoyment out of me. They’re lucky that I didn’t get to the phone!)

(The store I work for is a little different in that we don’t hand-ring the stuff we sell; instead, the price gets hand-keyed in and classified into a department. If you were to purchase an item that was $19.99 from the home goods section, your receipt would show, “$19.99 Home Goods.” Because of this, we have a large problem with fraudulent returns where someone will purchase an item, slap the sticker on something we don’t sell, and then bring the unwanted item back in to return. All of the return cashiers, myself included, have gone through several meetings where if something just seems off, or if the item doesn’t look like anything we sell, then we should get verification from the department head first. It’s been a busy, stressful day where I have done way too many returns, following policy the whole time. As I have been employed here for a few years now, I know most of the stock we have. When it’s time for the department heads to come gather their returns to replace on the shelves, the department head storms over to me with a lamp I returned earlier.)

Department Head: “[My Name], did you return this lamp or did [Coworker who is currently on lunch]?”

Me: “I did. Why? What’s wrong with it? I inspected it thoroughly.”

Department Head: “Why didn’t you call me up here before you returned it?”

Me: “They had their receipt, so it wasn’t necessary to call you.”

Department Head: “And how old was their receipt?”

Me: “It was less than a week old; why does that matter? If it had been too old, it would have shown as non-returnable when I scanned the receipt in.”

Department Head: “Well, you had one pulled over on you. We don’t carry this lamp, so now I have to toss it out, and we lose that money.”

Me: “Since when do we not carry that lamp?”

Department Head: “We have never carried this lamp.”

Me: “Well, that is really crazy.”

Department Head: “I know my department! And I know we have never carried that lamp.”

Me: “Well, if that is the case, then this lamp has been frequently returned before.”

Department Head: “No, you’re the only one that has done that.”

Me: “Okay, for starters, I have only had a few bad returns, and that was shortly after I first started. And another thing: I sold this lamp only five days ago, to the people who returned it today. I remember it so well because I thought it was a very beautiful and interesting lamp. So, either it is a new item that you haven’t noticed yet, or someone else fraudulently returned it before I did so that I was able to resell it.”

Department Head: “You sold this lamp?”

Me: “Of course. I even had a conversation with the couple that bought it, as they weren’t 100% sure it would be a good fit, and I explained to them our return policy.”

(She turns around and stalks off towards her department. About three minutes, later she comes back to the front and I see her pull my CSM to the side. The two of them talk for about 30 seconds before she walks off again.)

CSM: *to me* “She said she carries that lamp, and it’s a brand new item that just came in on Thursday, so she hasn’t even seen it yet.”

(Thursday was the day I sold it to the couple.)

Me: “I wonder why she couldn’t just come over and tell me that.”

CSM: “Honestly, I think she was embarrassed.”

(I never did get an apology from that particular department head, but she has been a little nicer towards me since that interaction.)