Irony Is Calling For You

, , , , | Right | September 22, 2017

(I’m a nurse in a medical office, and I am in the middle of treating a patient, when a cell phone begins ringing.)

Patient: “It is SO rude for you to let your phone go off while you are taking care of me! I should be your only priority, and I can’t believe they just let you play with your phone in here. I’ll just have to speak to your manager about this!”

Me: “Um, ma’am, that is your phone.”

Patient: “Oh goodness, it is.” *then answers phone and begins loud annoying conversation that keeps me from doing my job*

Unfiltered Story #93778

, , | Unfiltered | September 11, 2017

Customer: *in the Drive-Thru* “Hey do ya’ll have any specials going on right now?”

Me: “Yes we do! We have a five-dollar quarter pounder meal deal.”

Customer: “Oh, how much is that?”

Me: Um… five dollars?

Should The Board Be Worried?

, , , | Friendly | June 1, 2017

(Many years ago, before Facebook was even a thing, I was a member of an active Internet message board. We all had screen names that we used in lieu of our real names. Many of us became friends in real life, and attended various gatherings all over the country. For some reason, I became the one that everybody trusted with their real world contact information (email addresses, phone numbers, etc.), and if somebody went missing from the board for too long, I would be asked to check on them. So, cue a (male) member going missing for a couple weeks, who was usually on every day. Somebody asks me to call him, so I look through my info and dial the phone. Never had it dawned on me, until a female answers the phone, that I have no idea what this guy’s real name is… All I know is his screen name.)

Wife: “Hello?”

Me: “Um…”

Wife: “Who is this?”

Me: “Okay. This is going to sound super-strange, but is this the phone number belonging to somebody who uses the screen name [Screen Name] on the website [Message Board]?”

Wife: *long silence* “I think you maybe want my husband?”

Me: “I promise I’m not a crazy stalker; it’s just that he hasn’t been online and the board is worried about him.”

Wife: *laughing* “Honey! Come to the phone and tell your crazy friends that our computer has been down!”

(Needless to say, I made sure to note everybody’s real first name after that! He was back online a few days later.)

Just A (Cast The First) Stone’s Throw Away From A True Christian

, , , , , | | Right | May 15, 2014

(I live in the Bible Belt of America, where homophobia is the norm. I’m a gay man and was outed by a previous coworker, so now I deal with two or three bigots per week. This takes place on an early Sunday morning.)

Me: “Hello. Did you find everything today?”

Customer #1: *a bigot who frequents my lane just to insult me* “Everything except a good, god-fearing cashier!”

Me: *scanning items and not paying attention* “Your total is $48.50, sir. Would you like to pay cash or credit?”

Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell, you know! You and all your god-d***ed f****ts! Pick up a Bible and learn how to be a Christian!”

(He then throws his credit card at me. I check him out while enduring his verbal abuse, as usual. Finally, he’s gone to bag his groceries while the next customer comes up. He’s an elderly man, around 60, wearing a sweater and a large prominent cross. I fear the worst but he hands me a gift card.)

Customer #2: “Bless you, son. I’d like you to have this to make up for those of us who are less than their best.”

([Customer #1] has heard [Customer #2] and starts yelling.)

Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell for supporting this f**! Learn how to be a good Christian!”

([Customer #2] removes his sweater to reveals he’s a priest. [Customer #1]’s eyes widen in shock.)

Customer #2: “Well, if I’m going to Hell I don’t believe there’s much hope for any of us now, is there?”

(He was the new pastor for the church and one of his first sermons was on spreading love instead of hate. I thank you, good sir, for reminding me what a real Christian is like.)

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The Race Card Is Double Sided

, , , , , | Right | December 16, 2013

(My husband and I are new to the area. We are trying out a popular fried chicken restaurant that is on a side of town primarily occupied by black people. I am white, and my husband is Mexican.)

Me: “This chicken is great!”

Husband: “Yeah, but it’d be better with some hot sauce! I’ll go get some!”

(I slide out of the booth we are in to let him out. As I step back I accidentally bump another patron who is walking back up front to refill his drink. He drops his cup.)

Me: “Oops! I’m sorry!”

Customer: *glaring at me* “What’s wrong with you? You in the wrong side of town. You think you can hit me just cuz I’m black?! Racist b****!”

(My husband is about to intervene, but I speak up.)

Me: “You think you can say that just because I’m white?”

Customer: *long pause* “…say what?”

Me: “You think you can claim I’m racist just because I’m white?”

Customer: “I… you… what?”

Me: “Seeing as how my husband is Mexican, I don’t think you can cry racism on this one, man. Nice try.”

(I pick up his cup and get a whiff of what he was drinking.)

Me: “What were you drinking? Sprite?”

Customer: “…yeah.”

(I go refill his drink for him and hand it back to him with a smile on my face.)

Me: “There ya go.”

Customer: “You pretty nice, for a cracker.”

Me: “You’re pretty nice, for someone so ignorant. Racism works both ways, man. Don’t let it—”

Customer: “—yeah. Okay. Sorry.”

(Thankfully, my husband and I finished our meals without any more interruptions.)

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