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The Bag Is Clear But The Rules Are Not

, , , , | Right | May 5, 2022

If you’ve travelled anywhere internationally on a plane since 2001, you know the drill: no liquids in hand luggage over 100mL, and if you have them, they need to go in a little clear plastic bag. I once saw a woman in a furious argument with French airport security about whether brie is a “liquid”, but that’s another story.

I’m at the airport to catch an international flight. The man in front of me at the security scanners has the signs of a well-travelled dude: battered travel bag, passport with various luggage stickers, the works.

And then, the security person squints at the scanner image and unzips the gentleman’s hand luggage… and pulls out a FULL LITER BOTTLE of shampoo. And a 500mL bottle of expensive aftershave. And on. And on. Until he has half a toiletries aisle lined up, and we’re all staring at the gentleman in confusion.

Security: “Sir, these are… these are all over 100ml.”

Passenger: *Happily* “Yes, I know.”

Security: “You know?”

Passenger: “Yes, that’s why I didn’t put them in a clear plastic bag!”

He wasn’t pleased when the head of security came over to explain the flaws in his logic. The shouting may still be happening, even now.

Their Fashion Choice Bombed

, , , , | Right | May 4, 2022

I am checking in a flight for a group of loud young men travelling for a stag do (bachelor party). I suddenly notice the themed shirts that they’re all wearing.

Me: “Guys, you might want to lose the shirts while you’re in the airport.”

Passenger: “Why?”

They’re all wearing T-shirts with a picture of the groom-to-be in the middle of an explosion. The text reads “[Groom] is da bomb!” but most of the guys have some front-satchels that hide the text, so they’re just wearing a shirt with an explosion saying, “bomb!”

Me: “Trust me.”

They Can’t Even Hunt Down The Money Counter

, , , , | Right | May 4, 2022

I’m waiting for my flight early on a Saturday morning at a small regional airport. I’m pretty early, and most of the early weekend flights are outbound, so I’ve found a seat in the nice quiet arrivals area and settled down to read. The area is pretty deserted except for me and two or three airport staff. I’m across from the Foreign Exchange counter, which has a bright yellow frontage and which, according to the sign, opens at 09:30.

It is 09:02 when the first inbound passengers arrive. It’s two middle-aged American men in jeans and bulky camouflage jackets, probably here to hunt.

Hunter #1: *Yelling to [Hunter #2].* “I need to exchange dollars.”

Hunter #2: *Also yelling.* “Is there a counter?”

They are standing in front of it. One of the nearby airport staff says:

Staff: “It’s right behind you, sir.”

Hunter #1: *Yelling to [Hunter #2].* “I don’t understand what she’s saying.”

He turns back to the staffer and half-yells:

Hunter #1: “I have to exchange dollars! Can I do that?”

Staff: “The counter opens at half-past nine and they will be able to help you.

It’s important to note the local accent doesn’t roll R’s or flatten vowels, so “counter” is “countah” and “past” has a long ‘a’, but her accent isn’t thick and she’s speaking slowly.

Hunter #2: *To [Hunter #1].* “What is she saying?”

Hunter #1: *Loudly and slowly.* “Can I exchange dollars? I… have… American… dollars… to… exchange!”

Staff: “Yes, sir, but the counter opens at half-past.”

Hunter #2: *Still yelling.* “Where is the exchange?”

Staff: “Over here, sir.”

Hunter #1: “I have to exchange American dollars. Can I do that? Does anyone here speak English? I want to exchange American dollars!”

Staff: *Who must have been developing a headache.* “Yes, sir, you can, but only at half-past nine, so you will have to wait until then.”

Hunter #1: *Bawling.* “I don’t understand what you’re saying!”

Hunter #2: *Steps in.* “He—” *Points to his friend.* “—wants to exchange American dollars, USD, and he wants to know where he can do that!”

The staffer hits the wall. She’s over it. Silently, she points to the ForEx counter that is two steps away. Then she turns away and goes back to what she was doing before they arrived.

Hunter #1: *Muttering to [Hunter #2].* “Service around here is terrible.”

Uh… At Least They Didn’t Phone It In?

, , , | Legal | April 26, 2022

I was changing planes in Dubai on my way home when I suddenly couldn’t find my phone. Realising I’d either dropped it or that it had gotten stolen, I panicked. I had all the pictures from my trip on it, and they would now be gone.

Since I had to wait the whole night before boarding, I had some time to at least try to solve it, so I went to the information desk, asking if they could look in a lost and found box or something. They told me to talk to the police desk at the airport.

Being in another country, talking to the police wasn’t really on my wishlist; however, I wanted my phone, so I went there. There was a lot of questioning from the policemen.

At this point, my travelling companions were sleeping, and I didn’t want to disturb them. so I let them rest. Some hours went by, the night became early morning, and I couldn’t really sleep. 

As a group of stern-looking policemen came up to me, my friends woke up and took notice. I was questioned about the phone, thoroughly; they wanted me to describe the cracks in the screen, the background photo, where I last saw it, and everything. One of them started searching through my bag to see if I had a phone. It was quite intense, and I felt like I was cornered as they stood in a half-circle around the chair I was sitting in.

After a while, I noticed that the questions seemed to be asked by someone who had seen the phone.

Me: “Have you found it?”

Policeman: “Just answer the questions.”

Me: “Look, if you’ve found a phone of that color and model, and it is unlocked by a pattern, I can just show that I can unlock it to prove it is mine.”

They stood quiet for a while, and then they brought out my phone! I took it and was just about to unlock it when they started looking at my screen. I leaned back to show I was not sharing my pattern. It took me a second, and then I showed them the unlocked phone.

Policeman: “All right. You should be careful.”

The way he said it, it sounded more like a threat than advice, but maybe I felt that way because I was surrounded and sleep-deprived. They left, however, and since they’d surrounded me, my friends had no idea what had just happened.

Friend #1: “What was that about?”

Me: “Oh, I lost my phone, so I went to the information desk, who sent me to the police, and they found it! They just wanted to make sure it was really mine, I guess.”

Friend #1: “You did all that while we slept?! Have you slept at all?”

Friend #2: “You lost your phone?!”

Me: “I got it back, see? Everything is fine. I’ll sleep on the plane.”

I believe my friends were in shock for a while, and while it might not sound like a big deal, those policemen were really scary! But hey, my phone was back and I was happy.

H2-D’oh! Part 9

, , , , , | Right | April 20, 2022

I work in airport security (TSA to Americans).

Me: “You can’t take in that, ma’am, it’s liquid.”

Passenger: “It’s not liquid, it’s water!”

You won’t believe how many times people say that!

H2-D’oh!, Part 8

H2-D’oh!, Part 7
H2-D’oh!, Part 6
H2-D’oh!, Part 5
H2-D’oh!, Part 4