(I am st a duty-free shop at an airport. There’s a 1L limit on the flight I’m about to catch, so I am buying two small 500mL bottles of liquor.)

Cashier #1: “You know you can only take one of these with you on the plane, right?”

Me: “Oh, I thought the limit was 1L?”

Cashier #1: “Exactly.”

Me: “These are 500mL each.”

Cashier #1: “You can only take one bottle on the plane.”

Me: “No, I can only take 1L. 500mL plus 500mL equals 1L.”

Cashier #1: “You can only take one on the plane.”

Me: “No, they’re half a litre each, which means it’s still only 1L.”

Cashier #2: “Is there a problem here?”

Cashier #1: “NO! You know what? Let her make her own mistakes… She’ll get it eventually.”

Me: “…Whatever.”

(My wife and I are at the airport to fly out on vacation. The weather has gotten bad, and every single flight in has been delayed. We are waiting in line to talk to a ticket agent about when our flight will be in. There’s a businessman in front of us.)

Agent: “I’m sorry, sir, but every flight in the airport is delayed. I can’t get you on anything sooner than two hours from now.”

Businessman: “That’s not acceptable! I’m very important!”

(This goes on for several minutes, and the businessman finally steps away from the agent’s counter in a huff.

My Wife: *stepping up to the agent* “On behalf of ourselves and the entire human population, I’d like to apologize for him!”

Agent: “That’s nice of you to say! Thank you!”

(We get our new flight information for a flight on our original airline. It’s about four hours after our flight was originally scheduled. We walk away from the counter. After about 30 seconds, we are paged back to the counter.)

Agent: “I’ve found you a flight on [Competitor’s Airline]. It leaves in about 1½ hours. Thanks again!”

(Just proves the old adage about catching more flies with honey than vinegar…)

Me: “Sir, in order for you to travel to Indonesia without a visa, you need to show proof to Immigration that you will leave the country within 90 days. Otherwise I would not be able to give you a boarding pass today.”

Passenger: “I might go to Vietnam or Singapore, but I’m not sure yet.”

Me: “Sir, is it possible that you buy a ticket now? To anywhere out of Indonesia.”

Passenger: “How am I supposed to buy a ticket when I don’t know where I’m going to?”

Me: “Sir, buying a ticket doesn’t mean you’re using it.”

Passenger: “But what date? I don’t even know when I will leave.”

Me: “Sir, you can buy a ticket with an open date or change the date later.”

Passenger: “Like I said, I don’t know when and where I’m going to leave Bali. I’m a person that doesn’t make plans!”

Passenger: “Why is there nobody to inform me about the delay?! I came all the way from San Francisco and now that I’m here you tell me there is a delay!”

Me: “Sir, some people sign up for email alert from the airport or the airlines for possible delays.”

Passenger: “Who are those ‘some people’?! I talked to everyone here! Nobody knew about the delay before!”

Me: “Sir, those people who have signed up and received an alert wouldn’t even bother to come to the airport. People are here because they did not sign up and did not know there is a delay.”

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(I am male. I am going through airport security when they’re talking about putting small containers of liquid in a bag. I realize that the lip balm I brought with me might be seen as liquidy enough to meet the restrictions. My TSA agent is female.)

Me: “What about lip balm?”

TSA Agent: “Lip gloss… Lip gloss goes in the bag.”

Me: “Uh, it’s just lip balm.”

TSA Agent: “Lip gloss goes in the bag.”

Me: “But it’s lip balm!”

TSA Agent: “In the bag.”

(As a guy, I was very confused about her calling it lip gloss… until I realized that I use a regional pronunciation that doesn’t enunciate the L in words like “balm,” and she was trying to stop me from essentially saying “bomb” in airport security. Though grateful, I always look back on this incident as very weird. Couldn’t she have called it lip moisturizer or something?)