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Happy Spanksgiving

, , , , , | Right | December 10, 2012

(I am at the airport heading home for Thanksgiving. As I put my laptop back in my bag after security, a present for my dog — who stays with my parents while I’m at college — falls out.)

Other Traveler: “Dear, you dropped your handcuffs. Wait. Are handcuffs allowed? Sir!” *signals a TSA agent* “She has handcuffs!”

(The TSA agent walks over and speaks to me, somewhat confused.)

TSA Agent: “Something about handcuffs?”

Me: *holds up the toy: three connected, tightly woven rings*

TSA Agent: “I see.” *to the other traveler* “Miss, those are not handcuffs, and please don’t call us like that; it could cause a panic.”

Woman: “Oh, so handcuffs are allowed?”

Me: “It’s for my dog. It’s a toy.”

Woman: “Oh, such a kinky thing to call your boyfriend! You naughty thing!”

(The agent and I share looks, but I decide to let her have her idea. Next, I take out the scarf I bought my dog to tie around the rings.)

Woman: “…And a gag too? Lord, girl, what will your parents think?!”

TSA Agent: “That she’s giving me a better busy Thanksgiving day at work than I thought!”


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Failed Across The Board-ing

, | Right | November 9, 2012

(I recently started working at a restaurant in my local airport. We serve passengers waiting to board their flights. As a rule, we tell all of our customers how long their food will take so that they don’t risk missing their flight or not receiving their food in time to board. I am visibly pregnant.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Can I get a cheeseburger combo from the grill?”

Me: “Sure! Just so you know, they usually take about 10-15 minutes to make. Is that alright?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine…”

(I give the woman her total, cash out the transaction, and she goes to her boarding area. After about five minutes, she returns.)

Customer: “Where the f*** is my burger?!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I said before, they take anywhere from 10-15 minutes to make. I can go check and see how much longer it will be for you.”

Customer: “Bulls***! You didn’t tell me that! My plane is boarding! I’m going to miss my flight!”

Me: “Hold on one second, ma’am and I’ll go check.”

Customer: “No, f*** that! I want a manager and a refund!”

(I fetch my manager.)

Customer: “I want this pregnant s*** fired! She didn’t tell me that the food would take this long! How could you even hire someone like that? I don’t want some knocked up s*** taking my order!”

Manager: “Ma’am, you are entitled to a refund. However, you are not entitled to insult my cashier and disturb the other customers. Also, I don’t doubt that my cashier told you how long the food would take. I’m betting you didn’t notice her saying it. Just like you didn’t notice that she is wearing a wedding band excluding her from your s*** comment, didn’t notice that your food has been sitting on the hot tray for a full two minutes while you berated my employee, and didn’t notice that your flight is not boarding. The flight boarding is for uniformed military only.”

Customer:*stammers, takes her burger, and goes back to her boarding area in silence*

Hello, Abbie Simpson

| Right | August 27, 2012

(A passenger comes through my security checkpoint at the airport. She is the most scatterbrained individual I have ever seen, and has had to go through the metal detector three times: once for her belt, another time for her hairclips, and finally, for her dog tags.)

Passenger: “Geez, I’m sorry, you know? I don’t mean to be so brain dead.”

Me: “It’s fine, ma’am.”

(I hand the passenger her dogtags and sees she’s in the Navy.)

Me: “Oh, my brother is in the Navy. What do you do?”

Passenger: *laughs sheepishly* “You’ll love this. I work on a nuclear reactor.”

Birth-date On The Fly

| Related | August 8, 2012

(I am at the last security gate before the baggage area with my mom.)

Security: “And what is your relation?”

Mom: “She’s my daughter.”

Security: “In that case, could you just verify her birth date for me?”

Mom: “Yeah! It’s… uh… wait… January… first?”

Me: “Mom!”

Mom: “Oh! It’s January 7th!”

Security: *to me* “She owes you twice the Christmas gifts this year.”

Doesn’t Feel Very Sound

| Related | August 6, 2012

(I am about 7 years old. I am about to go on my first flight. My grandmother has Alzheimer’s, and often uses the wrong words.)

Grandmother: “And when you go up in the air, your ears will explode.”

(I was absolutely terrified and screamed from Melbourne to Sydney.)