Small Fish In A Small Pond

| | Right | June 12, 2009

(I’m waiting to board a delayed flight with one of Europe’s cheapest and largest airlines.)

Hostess: “Welcome to flight [Number] from Malmö to Dublin. Those of you with seating numbers 1 through 35, please go to line one. Those of you with seating numbers 36 and up, please go to line two. If any of you are traveling with small children or checked in online, please go to the counter and you will be let on board before we start boarding the other passengers.”

(A group of businessmen, about 35-55 years old and in suits, walk to the counter and cut in front of a family with very young children.)

Hostess: “Well, I can see you didn’t check in online, so you’ll have to stand in line. The first line is for early seating numbers; the second line is for la–”

Businessman #1: “Oh, come on… Can’t you make an exception? We’re already standing here and all.”

Businessman #2: “You only have to board us and we’re done!”

Hostess: “No, you’ll have to wait in turn, just like everyone else. The lines start over there.”

Businessman #2: “But I always get to board the plane first!”

Hostess: “You’re not a family with children and you didn’t check in over the Internet, so you’ll have to stand in line.”

Businessman #2: *very angrily* “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”

Hostess: “No, but you can’t be that important if you’re traveling with us.”

Businessman #2: *quietly retreats to the back of the line with his buddies*

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Signs It’s Time To Leave The Nest

| | Right | May 21, 2009

(A woman walked up to my co-worker in a panic.)

Woman: “Have you seen my son? Did someone take my son?!”

Co-worker: “I’m not sure. How old is he?”

Woman: *still panicked* “20!”

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Welcome To Glorious Nation Of North Americastan

| | Right | February 5, 2009

Customer:“Do you sell any other calling cards here?”

Salesperson: “No, just the ones on that rack. Sorry.”

Customer: “I need to call the States and I don’t want to get charged for long distance! I need a card that can call from Canada to the US!”

Salesperson: “Those calling cards can call to the US.”

Customer: “But it says they only work in North America!”

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Water You, Stupid

| | Right | June 30, 2008

(While passing through airport security, a passenger’s bag needs to be pulled because the x-ray operator sees an obvious big bottle of water when the limit is 3.4 oz.)

Me: “Whose bag is this?”

Passenger: “Oh! Oh! Oohhh! It’s mine! Is there something wrong?”

Me: “I just need to take a quick look inside, ma’am. This shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes.”

Passenger: “Well, hurry. I think they’re boarding my plane.”

(I open her bag and find the bottle almost immediately. She gasps as I pull it out.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid you cannot have this beyond this point.”

Passenger: “Why not? I just bought it, and it’s unopened!”

Me: “Ma’am, the rules clearly state that you cannot have any liquids over 3.4 oz in your carry on. If you’d like to, you could–”

Passenger: “But that’s not a liquid!”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Passenger: “It’s not a liquid! It’s water! W-A-T-E-R! You know, H-2-O? For the love of God, don’t they hire anyone with more than a grade school education for security?”

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Ahh, Youth

| | Right | January 31, 2008

(A teen girl walks through security and collects her belongings.)

Teen: “Excuse me sir, what did you do with my purse?”

Worker: “I’m sure it came through ma’am, just look around for it.”

Teen, in a condescending tone: “Sir, I would appreciate it if you would find my purse that went through YOUR machine that YOU lost. Thats your job you know, now reach up in the machine and feel around for it.”

Worker #2: “Umm, your purse is on your arm.”

Teen: “Oh…” *walks away*

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