He’ll Have A Pie In The Sky

, , , , , | Right | October 1, 2018

(I work at my mother’s cafe in an airport, where we make all of our food fresh. To give an example of this situation that happens at least once a day, I will use the customer that just came to our counter. He is booked for the 2:00 flight, which usually opens the security checkpoint at 1:15. He has stepped into the cafe at 12:15. He grabs a juice out of the cooler and comes up to the counter with it.)

Me: “Hello. Will that be all, sir?”

Customer: “Ah, yeah. I’ve got two hours before my flight, so I might get something to eat later.”

Me: *knows where this is going* “All right, that’ll be [price].”

(The customer pays and takes a seat at one of our tables. An hour passes until the airport speaker comes on.)

Speaker: “For those passengers who have checked in and received a boarding pass for [flight], the security checkpoint is now open, and we ask that you please process through security in preparation for boarding.”

Customer: *comes up to the counter* “I’ll have a bacon double cheeseburger, with onion rings and a large [soda], and please make it quick because we’re about to board.”

This Trip Is The Bomb!

, , , , | Learning | September 29, 2018

(I am in college studying geology in my second year. I’m involved a trip to Italy to see the famous volcanoes Vesuvius and Etna, and to study the volcanism both on the mountains themselves and in the nearby areas. Etna is experiencing mild activity when we visit which prevents us from climbing the last 500 metres to the crater itself; however, whilst roaming the upper slopes, one of our group comes across a large, hardened slab of lava that was ejected during a previous eruption. For better or worse, such projectiles are known as volcanic bombs. Both of our teachers think this particular bomb is a great find and decide it has to come back to England with us; however, it weighs quite a bit, and the teachers don’t have the luggage weight left to carry it, so one of the students who travelled light volunteers himself to get it home. Fast forward three days. We’re leaving Italy via plane, and just as we walk into the airport one of the teachers looks around and says:)

Teacher: “Who’s got the bomb?”

Everyone Else: “DON’T SAY THAT!”

(In spite of three further mentions of the B-word, we somehow made it home without being arrested.)

Unfiltered Story #122035

, , , | Unfiltered | September 21, 2018

(I am a travler trying to get home after a multi-day interview and the flight I was on had to return to the airport after smoke got into the cabin. We were told to relocate to a new gate to board a different plane and get on our way. A flight at the gate next to us has been grounded due to weather in Philadelphia and they are having passengers get new boarding informarition. I overhear this exchange)

Customer: This is ridiculous. This flight was already delayed. Now look at your ticket and look here, the times have already changed. I don’t care about the weather in Philly. What does that have to do with anything here?

Customer’s Friend: Well they can’t land the plane.

Customer: This is still ridiculous

Sit Down, You’ll Like This One

, , , | Right | September 12, 2018

(Overheard at an airport:)

Ticketing Agent #1: *on phone* “No! He said the child was under age two when he made the reservation!”

Ticketing Agent #2: “Of all the gall…”

Me: “What happened?”

Ticketing Agent #1: “Children under two fly free, seated on a parent’s lap. Children over two have to have a seat. The flight was full, so he missed it because there wasn’t a seat available for his son.”

Ticketing Agent #2: “I don’t think he’ll try that again…”

That Joke Bombed More Than They Realized

, , , , | Right | September 11, 2018

(I work as a check-in assistant for one of the busiest airports in the UK. It is less than a month since the September 11th attacks in America, meaning that extra security measures and protocol are in place. One example of this is a second bag scan at check in, which is my responsibility. There is no possible way that a passenger can avoid doing this; it is a mandatory procedure. I am checking passengers in when a woman arrives next in my lane.)

Me: “Afternoon, ma’am—”

Lady: “Madrid.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Lady: “I’m going to Madrid, here.” *she shows me her passport and ticket all whilst huffing as if she’s in some sort of hurry*

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Can I ask you to please place your bag on the scanner here?”

Lady: “What? But I’ve already gone through the scanner.”

Me: “I understand, ma’am, but because of the recent events in America, we are implementing mandatory extra security procedures.”

Lady: “But we aren’t in America, are we? Last time I checked on a bloody map this was still the UK!”

Me: “Yes, we are still in the United Kingdom, ma’am. But as I said, we still need to uphold our mandatory security procedures because of what happened in America.”

Lady: “I don’t care! Just let me on my plane!”

(Despite her callous and selfish attitude to the reason why we have these protocols, I still maintain our mandatory requirements, resulting in both of us going back and forth for a good ten minutes. My manager jumps on to help the other passengers but doesn’t interfere, before the lady seems to finally give up and places her bag on the scanner belt. Just after she does this, she says the one phrase you should NEVER EVER say at a busy airport.)

Lady: *sarcastically* “Sorry about that. I’ve got a bomb in there, you see?”

(Both my manager and I share glances, before returning our stares of bewilderment at the lady, who’s returning a smirk at us as if she’s just cracked a totally appropriate and definitely fine joke with us. My manager calls security, whilst I confiscate her boarding pass and passport as per procedure.)

Lady: “What are you doing?!”

Me: “I am confiscating your ticket; there is no way you’ll be flying today.”

Lady: “Oh, come off it. Can’t you take a joke?”

Me: “A joke that we take seriously, regardless of sincerity? Definitely not. Please leave the airport.”

(Security arrived moments later and escorted the lady from the airport grounds. Her husband approached me and pleaded with me to let her on her flight. I declined, because threats such as that are ALWAYS taken seriously by the airline.)

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