This Class Has Its Ups And Downs

, | Learning | September 22, 2013

(I’m taking flying lessons at a local flying school. Class has just started, and our flight instructor is lecturing us on the theory portion.)

Instructor: “Flying is really easy once you get the hang of it. It’s a lot like driving a car.”

(Much later, it is time to start actually flying. My turn comes up, and we’re just about ready to move. We’re still on the ground, but we need to move on to the runway.)

Instructor: “Alright [My Name], start steering to the right.”

(I’m a little nervous about flying for the first time, so I start steering the handle in front of me, which does not do anything at all. Although it looks like a steering wheel, it’s actually for controlling the ailerons.)

Instructor: “What are you doing that for? It’s not like driving a car, you know!”

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Breaking The Bathroom Breaking

| Right | September 18, 2013

(I am taking a four-plus hour flight. It’s a full flight, so our row is full. I’m in the middle seat. The passenger in the window seat is ordering carbonated water and alcohol every time the flight attendant comes by. She has been doing this for hours and is getting up to pee every few minutes; aggravating the rest of us.)

Window Passenger: *to the aisle passenger in the seat next to her* “Can you move? I need to use the bathroom.”

Aisle Passenger: *in aisle seat* “You’ve been doing this every few minutes! Could we switch seats? It’ll be easier if you have the aisle seat.”

Window Passenger: “No! I want this window seat. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go.”

(She goes, comes back, sits down, and orders another water, which she gulps down. Eight minutes pass.)

Window Passenger: “Excuse me, move! I need to get to the bathroom!”

(She goes. The aisle passenger and I are both tired, because we’re trying to sleep and she keeps waking us, and we’re angry because her shoes are getting dirt on us.)

Me: “Look, man, move into the window seat. I’ll deal with her.”

(He moves into the window seat just as she comes back. The window passenger instantly yells at him.)

Window Passenger: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SEAT?!”

Me: “I told him to move there.”

Window Passenger: “YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!”

Me: “YOU have no right! You’ve made 24 bathroom trips in three hours. We’re trying to sleep, and you’re climbing over us every few minutes and getting dirt from your shoes on our clothes! You left bruises on my leg where you climbed on it! This guy offered to let you sit in the aisle seat, and you said no!”

Window Passenger: “B****! I’LL TELL THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT!”

(The flight attendant is called, and I tell him the story.)

Flight Attendant: *to the window passenger* “Normally, ma’am, I’d side with you, but in this case, I think the young lady is right. It’s very disruptive to our other passengers for you to be climbing over them every few minutes. The gentleman vacated a perfectly good aisle seat, which you will have to use as the flight is full.”

Window Passenger: “F*** ALL OF YOU! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE DOING THIS TO ME!”

(She does, however, sit down and stop ordering drinks. She sulks for the rest of the flight, and upon landing, rushes off the plane as fast as she can.)

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Making A Drool Out Of Himself

| Romantic | September 10, 2013

(My boyfriend and I are taking our first flight together and are sitting side by side. We both fall asleep and I decide to wake him.)

Me: “Babe, wake up.”

(My boyfriend wakes up and notices a crazy amount of drool coming from his mouth down onto his shirt. He looks at me embarrassed.)

Boyfriend: “Well, at least there wasn’t a hot girl sitting beside me.”

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Studying A Meaty Subject

| Related | August 27, 2013

(My mother is flying to USA to attend my brother’s graduation from university. English is her third language, and while she understands a lot, talking is harder for her.)

Passenger: “So, where are you going?”

Mom: *very proudly* “I’m going to visit my son and attend his graduation from university.”

Passenger: “Oh, how nice. What is he graduating as?”

Mom: “A vegetarian.”

Passenger: “Oh… that’s… interesting. Did he go to university for that?”

Mom: “Oh, yes, for four years.”

Passenger: “Hmm… I didn’t know that you could do that.”

(My mom now notices how strangely the passenger is reacting to her story. She starts replaying the conversation in her head and finally a light goes on in her head.)

Mom: “No, I meant VETERINARIAN!”

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He Has A Gift With Children

| Related | December 27, 2012

(My father is a large man with a bushy white beard, still tinged with his original red, and wears small, gold-rimmed glasses. He gets called ‘Santa’ by everyone from little kids to random strangers. My parents are on a flight and there is a young mother with a very problematic young boy. The mother is clearly trying very hard to control her son, but he is running all over the plane, getting in the stewardesses’ way, and generally bothering people. Suddenly, he sees my father and stops dead in his tracks.)

Boy: “It’s Santa!”

Dad: *booming* “That’s right! And if you keep acting like this, you’re not getting anything this year!”

(The boy immediately runs back to his seat, sits down and shuts up.)

Mother: *mouths* “Thank you!”

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