Flights Of Fancy

| South Africa | Working | July 15, 2014

(I am a pilot. On this particular overseas flight, a very common route, about 90% of the flight is over the ocean. An air hostess comes in with my breakfast.)

Hostess: “Good morning. Ooh, it’s quite bright in here, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yeah. Good weather today.”

Hostess: *leaning over to look out of the cockpit window* “Oh, wow, we’re over the ocean!”

(She puts down my breakfast and leaves the cockpit. My co-pilot and I look at each other.)

Co-Pilot: “Did she just say what I think she said?”

Me: “Yeah. For a moment I wasn’t sure I heard that right, either. If we weren’t over the ocean, I would be seriously concerned about where we were going to end up!”

You’re Not In Kansas Anymore

, | San Antonio, TX, USA | Right | July 14, 2014

(I work as a supervisor taking calls. In my center, I have the highest authority on the phones. My name is common in Spain, Greece, and India.)

Coworker: “I don’t know what this customer wants. She requested a supervisor, got me, and said I wasn’t good enough to handle the problem.”

Me: “Okay, send her through.” *transfers* “Hello, ma’am. My name is [My Name]. I’m the supervisor on duty, and would like to know how I can help.”

Customer: “I want to talk to your supervisor.”

Me: “I apologize. I’m unable to transfer you to anyone else. I am the top tier of support. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I don’t want to talk to you. I want to talk to someone in the United States.”

Me: “We only have call centers in the continental US. I’m located in Texas, and am waiting to know how I can assist with what you were calling about.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I am from India. You sound like me. You’re from India and the law says if I ask to speak with someone in the US that you have to transfer me.”

Me: “Ma’am, I have never heard of such a law. I’m physically unable to transfer you to anyone else, and have been patiently waiting to know how to assist you. Please let me help you with the reason you called, or I will have to end this call.”

Customer: “Transfer me to who I was speaking with before.”

Me: “Ma’am, as I said before, I can not transfer you anywhere else. Now, either tell me what I can do to help, or you can call back if you no longer wish to speak with me, as I can’t transfer you. Fair warning, though. We currently have a 30 minute hold time.”

Customer: “I would like to know what time I leave tomorrow.”

Me: “You depart at 0430, and land at 0625. What is your next request?”

Customer: “That was all.” *click*

(Exhausted with dealing with the caller, I look over to the only other person who has the same level of authority that I do.)

Colleague: “Aren’t you the one who everyone always confuses with the recorded message because you have such a generic sounding accent?”

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Dead On Arrival

| San Jose, CA, USA | Right | July 4, 2014

(My husband and I are flying on a late Friday evening flight on a major air carrier and have just pushed back from the gate when the plane stops. We sit for less than five minutes when the pilot comes on the intercom and announces that we would be delayed slightly.)

Pilot: “I thought I saw something odd with one of our engines as we started to pull out. It’s probably nothing, but we want to check it to make sure. It will be just a few minutes, folks.”

(At this point, the passenger behind us, who is dressed in a business suit, starts making comments.)

Passenger: “I hate this f****** airline! I’ve been late twice in the past few months, and they can’t ever get their act together. Now we’re going to be late again. They need to get this f****** show on the road!”

(Less than ten minutes go by, with the passenger behind us swearing and commenting loudly and rudely to the man next to him, as well as calling a couple of people on his cell phone and roundly abusing the airline in very foul-mouthed language. Then the pilot comes on the com again.)

Pilot: “Folks, we’re spraying gas from our number two engine, and I’ve called the mechanic to come look at it and see if it’s serious, or is something that can be fixed. I’m afraid there will be about a half hour delay while we determine what’s going on with the engine.”

(At this point, the obnoxious passenger behind us calls one of the flight attendants over and starts ranting.)

Passenger: “Your f****** airline is such a piece of s***! I’ve been working hard for two days and I need to get home to my wife, and now this f****** flight is delayed! My time is valuable, you know!”

Attendant: “I’m very sorry, sir. We prefer to be safe, and hopefully it will be something that is easy to fix.”

Passenger: “Yeah, always excuses! You people are such a bunch of f***-ups. My wife is going to be livid when she finds out we’re delayed! Get that f****** mechanic out there now, and get this plane moving! That f****** pilot is making me late! I’ve got places to be!”

Attendant: “Everyone on this plane has somewhere to be, sir. I daresay that the pilot would like nothing better than to be done with this flight and getting to bed. I and the rest of the crew would like to be getting through with this flight and going off to bed, as well. I’m going to be late going home to my own family.”

Passenger: “I’m an important businessman, and I need to get home! Your screw-up is what’s the problem, and I’m going to file a complaint against this f****** airline! Who cares about you, anyway? You’re just a bunch of pathetic losers who work for a f***-up airline. I’m never going to fly with your f****** airline again, because I won’t get in until after midnight at this rate! Thanks for screwing up the start of my weekend, a**hole! You can take your f****** airline and shove it!”

(My husband, at this point, has had enough, and stands up to glower down at the obnoxious businessman. I’ve rarely seen him angry, but when he finally reaches that point, he can be intimidating.)

Husband: “Look, this airplane has a mechanical problem, and the crew are doing everything they can to resolve it. Stop acting like an a-hole to the attendant, because he’s in the same boat we all are. And I’m SICK of listening to you whine and swear about how you’re going to be late. Fine, we’re all going to be late. I would rather be late landing in our destination than end up DEAD wherever we land when the PLANE FALLS OUT OF THE SKY when the ENGINE SELF-DESTRUCTS! GOT IT? Good!”

(The attendant smiled and a couple other passengers flashed a thumbs-up at my husband. The obnoxious passenger got very quiet from there on out. The engine turned out to have a serious problem. We exited the plane shortly after the mechanic took a look at the engine, and the airline found us another aircraft. We were several hours late, but we didn’t hear from the obnoxious guy again, because my husband was right. Better to arrive in the middle of the night than not arrive at all!)

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The Perfect Attitude For Altitude

| UK | Working | May 14, 2014

(It is the very beginning of a three-hour flight.)

Pilot: *over PA* “And to all the children onboard this flight: on behalf of your parents, we are nearly there and we will be nearly there for the remainder of the flight. Thank you.”

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Wishes He Could Back Up The Conversation

, | Denver, CO, USA | Right | April 18, 2014

(I work in our airline’s IT dept. One of our guys is finishing his shift and passes a task on to me to delete a user’s Windows profile when the user is not busy. I noticed this user has an assigned network drive with a shortcut to it on his desktop so I figure he knows how to use it.)

Me: “So, I’m gonna remove your profile from the registry and then delete your profile folder. This will delete everything you have. Do you have all of your important documents backed up?”

User: “Yeah, it’s all good. Go ahead and delete it.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I delete his profile’s registry entry and then go to delete his folder. I notice he has about 3GB of data as it builds its list to delete.)

Me: “It seems you have three gigs of data in your profile. Just want to make sure everything that you need is backed up, because it will all be gone.”

User: “Yeah. It’s good, man. Do what you gotta do.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I let the delete finish and then restart the computer.)

User: “So, the files that were on my desktop, where do I go to get those back?”

Me: “The files on your desktop? You told me you backed everything up, so they have been deleted.”

User: “I’m not very savvy with computers. I don’t know what ‘backup’ means.”

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