Me: “We do have seats available on that flight, but if you were willing to leave an hour later the fare would be $200 less. Would that work for you?”

Elderly Customer: “That’s not a brainer!”

Me: *laughing*

Elderly Customer: “That’s what the kids say, ‘not a brainer.’ I’m going to use it on my grandson to show I’m hip with the kids.”

Me: “I think ‘that’s a no-brainer’ might be more usual.”

Elderly Customer: “You know what else the kids say? ‘Go f*** yourself’!”

This story is part of our Shocking Old People roundup!

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(Halfway into a three hour and forty-five minute flight, a well-dressed and seemingly educated passenger rings her call button. She is frantic.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Passenger: “I’m going to miss my connecting flight!”

Me: “No, we’re on time. All connections will be made.”

Passenger: “No! I’m going to miss my connection!”

Me: “All reservations are made so as to give you plenty of time to make your connecting flights, even if we’re a little late. But we’re scheduled to arrive on time today.”

Passenger: “Well, if we arrive on time, then I will miss my connection!”

Me: “May I see your ticket, please?”

Passenger: “I. Don’t. Think. You. Understand! It is a three-hour and 45-minute flight. So if we left Philadelphia at 9, then we won’t get into Denver until 12:45. MY flight leaves at noon. SO, YOU SEE, I AM GOING TO MISS MY FLIGHT!”

Me: “Oh, oh… No… Denver is on Mountain Standard Time. We arrive 10:45.”

Passenger: “10:45?! How is that possible? Do you even know what you’re talking about?!”

Me: “Philadelphia is on Eastern Standard Time.”

Passenger: *blank stare*

Me: “Philly and Denver are in different time zones. There’s a two-hour time difference.”

Passenger: *blank stare*

(I try to explain to this 40-something woman the concept of time zones. When that doesn’t work, I explain that it’s not the same time everywhere in the world at the exact moment of every day. She doesn’t get it until I explain that that is why we have night and day.)

Passenger: “Oh. Whew. Thank you!”

Me: “Hi, this is [Airline] calling to inform you that your flight as been canceled for tomorrow. I’m sorry to tell you that the next available flight we have is Monday.”

Customer: “What?! How can that be? Why are you just now canceling the flight?”

Me: “Well, sir, due to the weather disruptions, we had to cancel your flight for the safety of the passengers and crew.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. You should have canceled this flight back in September!”

Me: “Sir, we didn’t know the weather would be bad in September.”

Customer: “I demand you send me your private plane to take me to Fort Lauderdale immediately!”

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Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, my daughter is right outside her flight but they won’t let her on. She has a pet bird she’s taking with her as her carry-on, and I KNOW we have it cleared so she can do that!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, one moment while I pull up your daughter’s flight information.”

(I look through the information, and it’s all there. She has permission to take the little pet bird onto the plane as long as she keeps it in her lap. Curious about what the issue could be, I call up the person at the desk at her flight. After a moment of talking, I return to the caller on the phone.)

Me: “Ma’am, I found out what the problem is.”

Caller: “There shouldn’t be a problem! My daughter has permission to take her bird on the plane with her!”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t take a pet bird on a plane in a cookie jar…”

(Note: when checking in for a flight, customers are asked to provide the customer service agent with a six-digit code.)

Me: “May I have your confirmation code, please, ma’am?”

Customer: “Sure. It’s ‘A’ as in a**hole, ‘F’ as in f***, one, five, ‘B’ as in b****, and ‘C’ as in c**t.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “Um, okay… thank you. I’ll just find you in the system…”

This story is part of our Swearing Customers roundup!

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