Adult Stores Gets The Least Adult Calls

, , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(I work in an adult store, but I answer the phone both for us and for the topless club next door. Most people call with questions about the topless club.)

Caller: “What are the qualifications to work there?”

Me: “You have to be 18.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. That’s it?”

Me: “Yep. You’d have to fill out an application and talk to a manager.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Well, I’m real pretty.”

Me: “Okay.”

Caller: “I mean, I’m a little thick, but some guys like that.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Caller: “And I have a few burn scars. See, I grew up in the ghetto. Let me just start from when I was born—”

Me: *click*

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A Question So Dumb That The Title-Writer Quit

, , , , , , , | Right | November 29, 2017

(A woman comes to the front desk with an adult toy.)

Customer: “Can I try this out before I buy it?”

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Never Be Without A Paddle

, , , , , | Right | September 11, 2017

(I am the assistant manager for a very well known, nationwide novelty shop that also sells some adult intimate products. An older gentleman walks in, in his 60’s, and comes up to me. He looks like your average, blue-collar grandfather, in denim pants and a jacket, along with a plaid men’s work shirt.)

Guest: “Do you have a paddle?”

Me: “Well, not exactly. We have flails and crops. But the only paddle I have is thin, flimsy wood, and is meant as an over-the-hill birthday spanking gag gift. It’s not really sturdy enough for anything hard.”

Guest: “Well, I’d like to see it anyway.”

(I lead him to the item and show it to him. He smacks it against his hand several times to test it.)

Guest: “Well, I don’t know now, I like a good hard spank.”

(I didn’t need to know this. As he continues to test it, I pick up a set of purple suspenders with fake plastic breasts that was on the floor, and hang them up. He interrupts himself and points to the suspenders.)

Guest: “Now, are those just for women, or can a man wear them too?”

(This startles me slightly, but at this point in my job, not much shocks me anymore.)

Me: “Well, yeah, they are just an old age gag gift, too, but they are standard suspenders so they should be adjustable to fit a man.”

(His reply is 100% serious.)

Guest: “Oh, well that might be an idea then. I’m getting tired of stuffing my braziers.”

(I really didn’t need to know that. My professionalism takes over and he doesn’t get to see what I am really thinking, as I try not to laugh.)

Me: “Well, yeah, that should work for you. But as for this paddle, it is all we have. I suggest you go to [Nearby Adult Shop]. I am sure they are going to have what exactly you need.”

Guest: “Oh, well, all right. But I do like a good hard spank. If I can’t find one there, I will come back for this in a few weeks. I don’t really have a place to hide it you see, and my mistress is out of town for a few weeks. My wife would find it.”

(I certainly didn’t need to know that! Enter Extreme Professional Mode!)

Me: “All right, well, yes, [Other Shop] should absolutely have exactly what you need!

Guest: “All right, thank you!”

(As he walked out of my store, and I watched him go, thinking of all his surprising revelations to a complete stranger, I watched him reach behind himself, and lift his shirt slightly so that he might hike up his pants. In the process, I saw that he was wearing florescent pink, extremely frilly, women’s underwear. Needless to say, I went straight to the back-room and hit the floor laughing.)

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Asking On The Cuff

, , , , , | Right | August 8, 2017

(The phone rings.)

Manager: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [Manager]. How can I help you?”

Female Caller: “A man is going to call you and ask if you sell handcuffs. Tell him you don’t.”

(About two hours later, the phone rings again.)

Male Caller: “Hey, um, do you sell handcuffs?”

Manager: “Yes.”

Male Caller: “I’m parked in the back. If I give you my card, could you bring me the handcuff keys?”

(My manager went into the back parking lot to find that this guy had been handcuffed to his steering wheel. Instead of making him pay for handcuffs, my manager pulled out his key and unlocked them. Not only had this woman gotten mad enough to handcuff him to the steering wheel, she called every adult store in the area to tell them not to sell him keys. Hell hath no fury…)

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Only Pill They Need Is A Chill Pill

, , , , | Right | June 16, 2017

(My store usually opens at 10 every morning, except for Sunday on which we open at 1. In order to open the store I have to be there by 12, which sometimes leads to people trying to open the door before realizing we’re closed. Today I show up early and happen to watch someone make their way to the door and try to open it, before heading back to his car. Once his car is running I get out and make my way to the door to open it, but notice the man has gotten out of the car and is following me. Not wanting him to try to follow me inside I turn and smile.)

Me: *smiling brightly* “Hi.”

Customer: “Hi, are you opening?

Me: “Not for another hour, sir.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, can I just run in and grab something real quick?”

Me: “Um… sorry, but we can’t let anyone in the store before we’re open.”

Customer: “But you’re right here! I just need some pills.”

(This is pretty common. As an ‘adult novelty’ store, we sell ‘Herbal Supplements.’)

Me: *still smiling* “Like I said, I can’t let anyone in the store, but if you come back in an hour—”

Customer: *interrupting and starting to yell* “BUT YOU’RE RIGHT F***ING HERE! I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CAN’T LET ME GET MY F***ING PILLS!”

Me: *taken back by the sudden flip* “W-well, we’re not—”

Customer: *interrupting again* “LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE B****, JUST OPEN THE F***ING DOOR!”

(Just as the customer starts walking towards me, the cop car that tends to patrol the area since we’ve had a few break-ins in the shopping center pulls up.)

Cop: “Is there a problem here?”

Customer: *calming down just a bit* “Yeah, this person’s not letting me in her store!”

Cop: *turning to me* “Are you guys even open yet?”

Me: “No! We don’t open for another hour!”

Customer: “But you’re here, and I just want my pills!”

Me: *fed up, and more confident thanks to the cop* “Well, the credit card machine’s not booted up, I’m not logged into the system, there’s no cash in the till, and it’ll take an hour to even get ready to even take your payment!”

Customer: “But… but… UGH, FINE! But I’m calling your corporate to complain!” *storms off as the cop and I share a look*

(I later learned he did actually complain, but were met with not only laughter, but a ban from our stores for aggressive actions towards a sales rep!)

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