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Only Pill They Need Is A Chill Pill

, , , , | Right | June 16, 2017

(My store usually opens at 10 every morning, except for Sunday on which we open at 1. In order to open the store I have to be there by 12, which sometimes leads to people trying to open the door before realizing we’re closed. Today I show up early and happen to watch someone make their way to the door and try to open it, before heading back to his car. Once his car is running I get out and make my way to the door to open it, but notice the man has gotten out of the car and is following me. Not wanting him to try to follow me inside I turn and smile.)

Me: *smiling brightly* “Hi.”

Customer: “Hi, are you opening?

Me: “Not for another hour, sir.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, can I just run in and grab something real quick?”

Me: “Um… sorry, but we can’t let anyone in the store before we’re open.”

Customer: “But you’re right here! I just need some pills.”

(This is pretty common. As an ‘adult novelty’ store, we sell ‘Herbal Supplements.’)

Me: *still smiling* “Like I said, I can’t let anyone in the store, but if you come back in an hour—”

Customer: *interrupting and starting to yell* “BUT YOU’RE RIGHT F***ING HERE! I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CAN’T LET ME GET MY F***ING PILLS!”

Me: *taken back by the sudden flip* “W-well, we’re not—”

Customer: *interrupting again* “LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE B****, JUST OPEN THE F***ING DOOR!”

(Just as the customer starts walking towards me, the cop car that tends to patrol the area since we’ve had a few break-ins in the shopping center pulls up.)

Cop: “Is there a problem here?”

Customer: *calming down just a bit* “Yeah, this person’s not letting me in her store!”

Cop: *turning to me* “Are you guys even open yet?”

Me: “No! We don’t open for another hour!”

Customer: “But you’re here, and I just want my pills!”

Me: *fed up, and more confident thanks to the cop* “Well, the credit card machine’s not booted up, I’m not logged into the system, there’s no cash in the till, and it’ll take an hour to even get ready to even take your payment!”

Customer: “But… but… UGH, FINE! But I’m calling your corporate to complain!” *storms off as the cop and I share a look*

(I later learned he did actually complain, but were met with not only laughter, but a ban from our stores for aggressive actions towards a sales rep!)

Her Opinion Is Chaste

| Right | March 25, 2017

(A regular couple of ours has a deal with my boss: modeling some of the bondage gear, as well as testing items we’re not too familiar with, and in return they get an employee’s discount. The woman walks in and softly requests to see my boss. Once he’s out of the backroom, she bends over and whispers:)

Customer: “Hey, that chastity belt you wanted us to test? It’s comfortable, but the key broke.”

Boss: “All right. I’ll take it back, then.”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s the problem. I’m still wearing it.”

(We got her out in no time at all, and pulled them off of the shelves because the boss didn’t trust the keys anymore.)

The Conversation Has Become Adulterated

| Working | July 31, 2016

(My girlfriend and I are browsing a new, high street, adult store. They stock a range of normal items and clothes but also some more ‘adult’ themed items. Having never been to this type of store I am a little taken aback and taking this opportunity to be as juvenile as possible and a bit of a pain to her. After some good natured scolding we get to the checkout with some very mundane items.)

Cashier: *a sweet looking woman who must be at least 65* “Can I interest you in any of the items on the check out?”

Girlfriend: “Oh, no, thank you.”

Cashier: “We have several [massagers] that are really cheap at the moment.”

Girlfriend: “No, thank you, we are not interested in any of them.”

Cashier: *seeming to ignore our request to pay and get out* “This one is VERY good and 50% off.”

Girlfriend: *getting a little weirded out about how much she seems to like her own products* “No, that’s fine. Just our items.”

Cashier: *eyes glazing over as she almost speaks to herself* “I have one of these myself. They are so good. I have gone through at least a dozen batteries, and if they break they replace them for free.”

(The product was a “large” item, one I later stated looked more like a sci-fi weapon than anything else.)

Girlfriend: “Please, just our items.”

Cashier: “Hmm… oh, okay.” *rings us up*

(As we are walking out:)

Cashier: *waving it at us* “Come back if you change your mind!”

(Safe to say we never did go back. I did wonder how many other items she could ‘personally recommend’ although couldn’t blame her for finding job satisfaction!)

Refuses To Move From The Subject

, , , , | Right | August 17, 2015

(I work at an adult store in the same building as a topless club. I answer the phone for both sides. As you can imagine, we get a LOT of prank calls. Having worked here for over a year, I’ve gotten the same people more than once. This guy, in particular, I’ve gotten three times.)

Time #1:

Caller: “You sound like you’re ready to go home.”

Me: “Yeah. I’ve been here almost all day.”

Caller: “Well, you do me a favor. If someone gets in your way on the way home, you tell them to ‘move, b****.’ Can you do that for me?”

Me: “Um… sure.”

Caller: “What are you going to tell them?”

Me: “Move.”

Caller: “No, you tell them to ‘move, b****.'”

Me: “Okay. Byyyeee.”

Time #2:

Caller: “You sound like you’re ready to go home.”

(It has been a while since the first time and I’ve forgotten about him.)

Me: “I guess?”

Caller: “Well, you do me a favor. If someone gets in your way on the way home, you tell them to ‘move, b****.’ Can you do that for me?”

Me: *remembering* “I don’t like to give in to road rage.”

Time #3:

Caller: “You sound like you’re ready to go home.”

(This time, I immediately remember, even though it’s been a while.)

Me: “Actually, I love my job.”

Caller: “Yeah, but sometimes you’re just ready to go home.”

Me: “Nope. I love being here.”

Caller: “Well, I bet when you get off, you’re just ready to get home.”

Me: “Not really. I love my job. I love being here.”

(He keeps trying to get me to give him his opening.)

Me: “I don’t really like driving at night.”

(I immediately realize my mistake but it is after midnight and I didn’t get much sleep last night.)

Caller: “Well, if someone gets in your way—”

Me: “G**d*** it.” *click*

(Next time, I’m telling him I live here.)

This story is part of our I Love My Job roundup!

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Touchy Feely Service

| Working | September 13, 2013

(I work at an adult store, which allows the employees to be a little less professional at times because of the content matter we have to deal with. I am currently helping a young couple.)

Guy: “Are we allowed to touch the clothing displays?”

Me: “Displays?”

Guy: “The boxed displays on the wall?”

Me: “Oh! Hon, those aren’t displays. Feel free to touch them to your heart’s desire; just don’t open them. I can do that for you.

Guy: “Really? We’re from New York and all the shops up there won’t let you even touch the displays; they keep everything hidden in the back. They have to get everything for you and they always have to ask you every five seconds if you need help.”

Me: “Really? Well Hon, welcome to Maryland; we don’t give a s***.”

(I made two regular customers that night.)