(I work in an adult store as a second job. We are a higher-class store that deals with more high-end stock and customers. We do work for commission, but we really don’t like to act like salespeople. I am a Pagan, but I generally don’t wear any showy jewelry as a personal preference. My husband bought me a beautiful pentacle pendant for our anniversary and I have been wearing it proudly for several days. The customers are monthly regulars and the wife is notorious for being rude.)

Me: “Welcome back! What brings you in tonight?”

Wife: *looks at me* “We don’t need help. Leave us alone.”

(She turns away from me as the husband nods agreement. We are currently having sales, and corporate demands that we inform the customers.)

Me: “Just so you know, we are having sales ri—“

Wife: *furiously* “We don’t care!”

(I just smile and walk away. We are supposed to stay within ten feet of the customers in case they have any questions. I stay further back as they wander our toy section until a different customer asks where a certain toy is. I walk her over and overhear the couple whispering.)

Wife: “I don’t think it’ll fit.”

Husband: “We can try more cream.”

(I don’t bother to ask if they have any questions and walk back to our checkout. About ten minutes later, they come up and put a bottle of vaginal tightening gel and the BIGGEST realistic dildo on the counter. It is a duplicate of the famous 70s p*rnstar John Holmes, nicknamed “The C**k of Legend.”)

Me: “Did you find everything all right?”

Wife: *sniffs* “Where is the other salesgirl? I want her to ring us up.”

Me: “I’m sorry, she is on lunch. I can get you rung out.”

Wife: “Fine, but don’t talk to us.”

(I am very annoyed at this point, so I ignore her and ask our standard questions as I ring everything up.)

Me: “Now, are you well stocked with lubricant and toy cleaner? This guy requires a lot.”

(At the same time, they both reply.)

Wife: “I SAID DO NOT SPEAK TO US!”

Husband: “She doesn’t need lube; she needs more tightening gel for it.”

(I barely hold back a laugh and I hear the other customer in toys laugh aloud. The wife is bright red and pissed off.)

Wife: “IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, YOU FILTHY HEATHEN! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING ELSE! DON’T TRY TO SELL ME ANYTHING! YOU ALL ACT LIKE WHORES IN HERE, TRYING TO SELL STUFF!”

(I take a step back, actually shocked by what she said. My manager has just come out of the back office in time to hear it. Everyone knows I have never taken rudeness lightly and I am usually the one to deal with mean customers.)

Me: “Ma’am, please watch your mouth. You are calling us all whores when you are the one buying a dildo the size of my forearm and are afraid it won’t be big enough. And yes, I am a heathen. Ohga-bhoga! So, buy your toy, stock up on that tightening gel — since we are not expecting another shipment anytime soon — and go have a freaking orgasm because you need it.”

(She starts sputtering and doesn’t stop the entire time her husband goes back to grab the last of the gel, pays, and starts dragging her out the door. The other customers start laughing and clapping. My manager is laughing, too.)

Manager: “I don’t know whether to write you up or hug you.”

Me: “Buy me a coffee and call it even?”

(She walked away laughing.)

(I work in a sex toy store. Since all of our products aren’t that appropriate, we have very strict policies. Today just happens to be Black Friday and we have gone through some problems already. Keep in mind that I am a really young-looking 30-year-old with an eight-month pregnancy, and I’m hoping to quit soon because I’ll be done with my ten years of medical college. A mother and her seven-year-old daughter enter the store, clearly showing signs of annoyance.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but your young child cannot be allowed in this store, as we obviously have inappropriate content.”

Mother: “Don’t tell me what to do! And certainly don’t tell me how to parent my child. And you look like a stupid f***** who got herself pregnant when she was in college and had to have a second job to pay for college. Either that or you’re just d*** fat.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’d like to inform you that I’m married and—”

Mother: “What a slut! Pregnant and married at such a young age!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m 30. Anyway, you need to get out. Your child is too young to be in this shop. I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

Mother: *gesturing to her daughter* “This stupid little girl has gotten me thrown out of three shops already!”

(I’m shocked about how rude this customer is being to her own child.)

Me: “Sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am. Feel free to come tomorrow or any other day, but if you’re bringing others, make sure they’re over 18.”

Mother: “Whatever.”

(I see the two walk out, and ten minutes later, the lady returns.)

Me: “Ma’am, I said leave. Your child is too young for this store.”

Mother: *looks confident* “My idiot of a child isn’t here. She’s back at our house.”

Me: *a look of doubt is clearly shown on my face* “You expect me to believe that you got to your car, left, reached your house, dropped your kid off, and made it back to this particular area? Especially in this rush?”

Mother: “Of course. The customer is always right. Now move.”

(She shoves me to the side, grabs a couple of our products, and inspects them. I look around every nook and cranny for her kid for a solid four minutes and she hasn’t moved an inch. I then look around to see if she is in or near another shop close by. Luckily, I see her about seventy feet away. I couldn’t believe that the lady is so ignorant and stubborn that she just left her child to wander the mall! I take the kid into the store and march up to the mother.)

Mother: *to daughter* “What are you doing here?” *to me* “And who gives you the right to touch my child?! Call the manager!”

(I get my manager and tell him the situation.)

Manager: “You did the right thing, ma’am.

Mother: “I know. Now, get this slutty b**** out of here!”

Manager: “I wasn’t talking to you. Now I am. Get out of my store. If I or my employee see your face around here or your daughter alone again, I will call security.”

(I go to take her products away but realize one is missing. It’s, of course, a dildo.)

Me: “Hey, where is the other dildo you were looking at? The pink one?”

(She tried to run away, but a security guard was there, fortunately. We questioned her repeatedly while we waited for the police, and it turns out her dildo was actually in her bag. Thank goodness. She was charged with theft and child abuse, and her child went to live with her dad. Seven years later, the child is the babysitter of my two young children and we like to joke about that really weird day.)

(I work in an adult store, and in order to enter, you have to be at least 18 years old. A group of customers have just started walking into the store when I notice one of them has a baby with her.)

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t bring your baby in here. Anybody that comes in has to be at least 18 years old.”

Customer #1: *with a blank stare* “You have got to be s***ting me!”

(The customers agree that one of the women in the group will buy what she needs, then go outside and watch the baby so the mother can come back in. About ten minutes later, the mother comes back in without her baby. Note, it is ten pm at night and dark out.)

Customer #2: “Where is the baby?”

Customer #1: “Oh, she fell asleep, so I left her in the car.”

Customer #2: “Did you at least lock the doors?”

Customer #1: “Oh, that might be a good idea!” *runs to the door and uses the automatic locks to lock the car*

Me: *stands there with a shocked expression not sure what to do*

(Thankfully, they all did their shopping pretty fast and were out of the store within a few minutes. I still can’t believe that first she tried to bring her kid into an adult store… and then left the baby unattended, at night, in the car!)

(I work in an adult store and there are no returns, for obvious reasons. We test anything that vibrates before it leaves the store. If customers are undecided on something, I offer to put batteries in it for them so they can see how it works. This happens almost every time.)

Me: “We can take it up to the counter and test it if you want.”

Customer: “You can test them?!” *obviously disgusted*

Me: “Not like that.” *trying not to roll my eyes*

(I work at an adult store. For obvious reasons there are no returns, but we test everything before it leaves the store so someone can’t bring it back and claim it didn’t work. A customer comes in looking for something he and his wife can use together. I help him pick something and test it for him. An hour or so later, he comes back in.)

Man: “Yeah, can I return this? She wasn’t interested. We didn’t open it.”

Me: “…”