Lollipop Flop

, , , , , | Right | January 30, 2020

(A customer has just brought her son’s three piggy banks into our branch to be counted in our coin machine. Unfortunately, all three piggy banks are so stuffed with change that it’s a challenge to get the coins out. My boss notices me fighting with the first one and comes over with a letter opener and a pen.)

Boss: “Try this.” *hands me the letter opener* “I’ll use the pen. We’ll get this done!”

Me: “Okay, this works so much better!”

(A game token flies out of the first piggy bank. I manage to grab it before it goes into the machine.)

Me: “Seriously? [Boss], look at this.”

Boss: “Yeah, that’s typical. We’ll definitely find more of those.”

(Ten minutes later, we’ve successfully emptied all three banks. We’ve also found several game tokens, an earring, and multiple gum and candy wrappers.)

Me: *to the customer* “Okay, that came out to $100. How would you like this back?”

Customer: “Twenties are fine, thanks.”

Little Boy: “It’s my BIRTHDAY!”

Me: “Would you like a lollipop?”

Little Boy: “Yes!”

(I hand him a lollypop. He struggles with the wrapper before handing it to his mom.)

Little Boy: “I can’t open it!”

Customer: “I’ll open it when we get in the car, okay?”

Little Boy: “No, I want HER—” *points at me* “—to open it!”

(The customer shrugs and hands it to me. When I touch it, I realize that the little boy has put the whole wrapper in his mouth. It is now sticky and wet. I somehow manage to open and hand it back to the little boy.)

Me: “Okay, there you go. Have a great day!”

Customer: “Thank you!” *walks out*

(I douse my hands with hand sanitizer and turn around to see my boss laughing.)

Me: “Can I—”

Boss: *still laughing* “Yes, you can go to lunch.”

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Some Kids Think They’re All-Knowing

, , , , , | Related | January 28, 2020

(I’m with my father, sister, and two nephews, who are both under four.)

Sister: “Hey, [Nephew], tell us what you said to me last night about God.”

Nephew: “I know who God is; God is love.”

Dad: “That’s nice.”

Nephew: “Mom is God with you?”

Dad: “Huh?”

Nephew: “Because she loves you!”

Dad: “Aww, well, I’ll be God with you, too.”

(My nephew then starts to tackle his baby brother.)

Dad: “Hey, stop that! You be God with your brother.”

Nephew: “I DON’T WANNA BE GOD!”

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Mothers Are Always Questioning Change

, , , , | Right | January 27, 2020

(I’m working alone, as my coworker has just gone on lunch break. Two young boys, about seven or eight, approach the counter. One boy orders two milkshakes, one chocolate and one vanilla. I make their milkshakes, take his $20, and give a $10 note back. The boys hug and then split up. The one with the money goes and stands beside a woman sitting on a bench, looking at her phone. The woman takes the $10 and then starts talking to the boy. He points at me, and then they both start walking over.)

Mother: “Why did my son only get $10 back? I gave him $20! A milkshake does not cost $10! You are ripping off my child because you think he can’t count! I should report you to your corporate office! Who is your manager? I want to be served by someone who isn’t a thief!”

(The whole time, I am trying to explain, but I end up just letting her vent.)

Me: “I have been trying to explain, ma’am, that your son purchased two milkshakes — one for himself, and one for the other little boy over there”

(I point at the other boy, who is sitting by himself on a bench.)

Mother: “Well… well, you should have told me before! My son isn’t stupid, you know!”

Me: “I tried, ma’am. Did you ask your son why he only got $10 back?”

(The mother looked at her son and then grabbed him and walked off.)

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The Holidays Are In Good Shape

, , , , , | Related | December 27, 2019

(My sister is trying to help my six-year-old nephew write a Christmas list.)

Sister: “Okay, [Nephew], what’s something that you need?”

Nephew: “A toothbrush and toothpaste?”

Sister: “I meant, what do you want for Christmas?”

Nephew: “Oh, presents.”

Sister: *laughing to herself a little* “Yes, but what presents?”

Nephew: “I don’t know. A square one, maybe?”

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Quite The Operation Santa’s Got Going

, , , , , , , | Healthy | December 25, 2019

(I work at a vet clinic that is open late night for emergencies and offers boarding. A couple of years ago, [Former Coworker] had to stop working in order to care for a disabled family member, but she left on good terms with the doctor and still has coffee with the manager regularly. Her son has been asking for a dog for quite a while now. Not just any dog, he knows the exact breed and color pattern he wants. At the staff meeting Monday, the doctor let us all know that [Former Coworker] was going to be surprising her son with a puppy for Christmas. She had found the exact dog he wanted and would be adopting it later this week and bringing it here to board with us until late Christmas Eve when she would pick it up. The morning she brings the puppy in, [Coworker] and I are working at the front desk. She is greeting people as they walk in and handling check-ins. I am checking out a family who just finished their cat’s exam. They have a little girl about six years old, too short to be seen over the counter from where [Coworker] is.)

Coworker: “Hello, how can I… Oh, hey, [Former Coworker], long time no see. So, this is the puppy Santa is bringing [Son]? He’s gonna be so thrilled; it’s exactly what he’s been asking for.”

Young Girl: *very loudly* “If Santa is bringing that puppy to someone, why is he here? Shouldn’t he be at the North Pole?”

(My coworker is clearly at a loss for words and starts sputtering.)

Former Coworker: *just hands [Coworker] the puppy and bends down to the girl* “Your parents haven’t told you? See, when Santa brings a child a pet he calls the parents first to make sure the house has everything that it needs, like food and toys and a dog bed, and space for the animal, and that the kid can take care of it. Then, if the parents say it’s okay, Santa looks all over the world to find the perfect animal, and then, because he doesn’t want the puppies and kittens to get bored in the sleigh and eat other kid’s presents, he has his helpers take them to a safe place near the kid’s house. So, Christmas Eve, Santa will come here and pick up the puppy right before coming to [Son]’s house.”

Little Girl: “Oh, so, that’s why when I got [Cat], Santa just brought her bed and food and had Mommy take me to the shelter after Christmas?”

Former Coworker: “Exactly, he knew [Cat] would be happier playing at the shelter rather than being stuck in his sleigh all night, and that she would just get into trouble with all the wrapping paper on Christmas morning.”

Mom: “That’s right; we got a call from an elf letting us know where [Cat] was.”

Former Coworker: “Yep, the elves have every parent’s phone number. Parents get calls from the elves to make sure they have the batteries and other things needed for the toys, helmets for when they get bikes, that sort of thing.”

(At this point, the girl’s family finishes paying and leaves, the little girl happily asking her parents if Santa has called them about presents this year.)

Coworker: *sighs in relief* “I can’t believe you thought of that so fast; I was so worried I’d just ruined Christmas.”

Former Coworker: *laughs* “Last year, my sister got caught by her girls setting up a playhouse, she told them that Santa was behind schedule and woke her up and asked her to put it together so it would be all ready in the morning. The girls just nodded and went back to bed, but in the morning, the oldest said it was a bit rude of Santa not to tell Mommy she would need to set it up. And we all agreed that Santa should have had an elf call first.”

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