Waiting For Wicked Wings Is Widiculous

, , , , , | Right | March 9, 2018

(I am lining up at popular southern-style fried chicken chain to place our order when this exchange occurs:)

Staff: “I’m sorry, sir, but there will be a five-minute wait for Wicked Wings.”

Customer: “What?! Five minutes! Why the h*** would it take five minutes?!”

Staff: “We don’t keep a lot pre-cooked, so it’s always fresh for our valued customers like you, sir.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not waiting.”

Staff: “I can replace the wings with regular chicken pieces for you, sir.”

Customer: “NO! I want Wicked Wings.”

Staff: “So, there will be a five-minute wait on the wings, sir—”

Customer: “I’M NOT WAITING!”

Staff: “Like I said, I can substitute regular pieces for you.”

Customer: “NO! I WANT MY WINGS, BUT I DON’T WANT TO WAIT!”

Staff: “I… I don’t know what to tell you, sir. Either you wait for wings or accept a substitution. I can’t bend time.”

Customer: *turns almost purple from anger* “HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT?! GET ME YOUR MANAGER!”

(By this time everyone has had it with this idiot man-child, but it’s a little kid who speaks up. The kid behind me says to his mum:)

Kid: “You would smack my bum if I shouted like that, Mum.”

Mum: “Yes. Yes, I would.”

(That’s all it took for me. I laughed so much I snorted, and idiot man-child left without ordering his food. I let the kid and his mum go ahead of me because I still couldn’t compose myself to place an order. Well done, little kid. And idiot man-child, thank you for making me laugh harder than I have in a long time.)

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A Summary Four You

, , , , | Related | March 4, 2018

(I’ve just picked my four-year-old son up from preschool and he’s doing what he usually does when I get him: telling me whatever random thoughts cross his mind.)

Son: “I eat, I play, I go potty, and I rest. That’s four! Four things.”

Me: “I have to admit; that’s a fair summary of your day.”

Interview With A Not-Vampire

, , , | Right | March 2, 2018

(I work at a 24-hour convenience store and gas station. It’s around three in the morning. A couple come in to buy food and snacks for the rest of their trip and to pay for gas. They clearly have been traveling a long distance, and they have their two very young children in tow. It’s late and they all look tired, so they’re very quiet until they get to my register.)

Little Girl: “Excuse me, ma’am. Are you a vampire?”

Me: “Who, me? No, I’m not a vampire.”

Little Girl: “Then why are you up so late, and here by yourself?”

(The mother looks horrified and I can tell the father is trying not to laugh.)

Me: “I don’t know. Why are you up so late?”

(She got a surprised look on her face, like she was actually considering that she might be a vampire, and she was quiet while they finished their purchases and walked back out to the car. This was by far my favorite experience of my normally boring graveyard shifts.)

Charity Starts At Home

, , , | Hopeless | February 24, 2018

(The store where I work is having a charity drive. It’s not a well-known charity, and since it’s summer, people aren’t as prepared to be asked for money as during the Christmas season. Also, we’re required to ask every customer for donations at checkout, so regulars get asked multiple times over the month. Still, people are generous, and we usually get offers of $1 to $3, with an occasional offer of $5, and rarely more. On the last day of the drive, a customer and her daughter, about ten years old, come to my register.)

Me: *ringing her up* “Would you like to donate a few dollars to [Charity] today?”

Customer: “I haven’t heard of that. What is it?”

Me: “It’s a children’s cancer institute near our company’s headquarters.”

Customer’s Daughter: *gasps and looks at me with wide eyes, then looks to her mom*

Me: “We run a charity for them every summer. Each of our stores is supporting a different kid at the institute, and here we’re supporting a little girl named Kate.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s so great.”

Customer’s Daughter: “Mom! Can we donate $100?”

(The customer and I both smile and laugh a little.)

Customer: “No, honey, we can’t give that much.”

Customer’s Daughter: “Well, what about $20? $30?”

Customer: “Here, you can put me for $5.”

(Still a generous amount, considering, and I thanked her and got to announce the donation over the store’s speakers. I’m not sure how that young girl got to be so sensitive about kids in need, but I’m glad she came through my register, and kudos to her for trying!)

That’s What He Asked

, , , , , | Friendly | February 21, 2018

(My husband and I are at the theater for a popular movie that has recently come out. Even though it’s rated PG-13, there are, of course, a few parents who have brought their young children with them. Five or six seats down from us is a woman with a little boy and girl. The boy is probably around seven or eight years old.)

Character: *in the movie* “That’s what she said!”

Little Boy: “What does that mean, Mommy?”

(He said it loud enough for everyone to hear it and we all lost it. The poor kid couldn’t figure out what was so funny. I heard the flustered mom tell him she’d explain it after the movie. The movie itself was a lot funnier than I was expecting, but that was the funniest part of the whole thing.)

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