Waving You Through

, , , , | Hopeless | June 6, 2018

(When we are kids, my brother drops me off at middle school before he goes to high school. Every morning, we pass a police car at the same intersection, and every morning I happily wave to the police officer in the car. My brother always tells me to knock it off or he’ll pull us over, but I persist. A while later, my brother is in an accident and I have to take the bus while he is in the hospital. When he gets well enough to drive again, he wears his seatbelt in a very strange way because of his freshly-mended ribs. On our way to school we get pulled over.)

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Brother: “I’m sorry, Officer, but I’m not sure.”

Officer: “From the view in my car it seems like you’re not wearing a seatbelt. I now see you are wearing it, but in a very unsafe fashion.”

Brother: “I just broke my ribs in an accident a while back, and wearing the seatbelt normally hurts quite a bit.”

Officer: “I understand, but if you’re not well enough to wear your seatbelt properly then you shouldn’t be driving. I’m going to have to give you—” *suddenly noticing me* “Wait, are you the little girl that used to wave to me every morning?”

(I nod nervously. This is my first time being pulled over, so I must look terrified.)

Officer: “Well, it’s been a while! I was wondering where you went. I guess you were taking the bus while he healed from that accident, huh?”

Me: “Yeah, we even had to get a new car because the old one got ruined.”

Officer: “So that’s why I didn’t recognize you. That’s a shame; you always brightened up my mornings when you came by. You know what? You two go ahead today. You remind him to wear his seatbelt properly, will you?”

Me: “I will! I can’t promise he’ll listen, though.”

Brother: “I promise I’ll listen! I appreciate it, Officer.”

(I still waved at that officer every day until he moved locations. My brother never once complained after that.)

How Not To Feel Blue While Getting Blue

, , , , , | Related | June 5, 2018

Mom: “What kind of ice cream do you want?”

Little Girl: “Blue!”

(After scooping her blue bubblegum ice cream, I hand it to the little girl and she runs off to sit and eat it at one of the nearby tables. Her parents and I focus on the rest of the family’s order, but a few minutes later we look over at her and see her face completely smeared with bright blue ice cream.)

Mom: “Oh, look at you! You’ve turned blue!”

Dad: *to me, slightly accusatory* “You’ve turned her into a Smurf!”

Me: “[Coworker], we better call [Boss]. We’ve had another Smurf incident!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 5, 2018

(I have heterochromia, which means I have two different colored eyes. My left one is blue and my right one is brown/hazel. I’ve had many people comment on them, good and bad. Example #1: I’m taking pictures of the wildlife in the park for a school project. We’re taking a break and decide to make small talk.)

Me: “I like your bracelet.”

Partner: “Thanks, it was a birthday gift.”

Me: “Lucky.”

Partner: “Have you ever considered surgery to make both your eyes the same color?”

Me: “Does something like that exist?”

Partner: “Yeah. My aunt hates contacts but loves blue eyes.”

Me: “Unless it’s glaucoma or vision correction, I don’t feel comfortable going through expensive eye surgery.”

Partner: “But you’d look normal!”

Me: “My definition of normal and yours seem to be at different ends of the spectrum.”

(Example #2: Same park, weekend, I’m painting the pond.)

Mother: “Go on. Ask her, sweetie.”

Little Girl: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes?”

Little Girl: “Are you a witch? Your eyes are odd.”

Me: “Shhh. If my father hears someone figured out my secret, he might give me twice my magic homework.”

Little Girl: “I promise I won’t tell.” *makes a “my lips are sealed” gesture and skips happily to her mother*

See You Later, Elevator

, , , , , | | Related | May 21, 2018

(I get in the elevator with a man and his young son. The son has been playing with a basketball in the hallway. As we’re riding down:)

Son: “Can I dribble in here?”

Dad: “No.”

Son: “Okay. No dribbling in the alligator.”

Dad: “Elevator.”

Son: “Right. No dribbling in the elebator.”

Dad: “Close enough.”

(I couldn’t help but chuckle.)

It’s Wingardium Levio-saah!

, , , , , , | Hopeless | May 14, 2018

(I’m 31, going to the Harry Potter amusement park in Florida. My brother and I buy the special wands where you can do “magic” in certain parts of the park. We notice in the newer Diagon Alley you can do it pretty easily, but in the older Hogsmeade, it’s a lot harder, maybe because of dirty windows or bad placement of the sensors. I stumble on a girl who is maybe ten, and her dad. The girl is almost in tears because she can’t get the special wand she got to work.)

Me: *running up to the girl* “If it’s okay with you and your daddy, can I teach you some things I learned? I know it’s hard. I’ve been here all day, but I’ve learned a few tricks.”

Girl’s Dad: “It’s okay.”

Girl: “Okay.”

Me: “Okay. Stand right here. See what it’s telling you on that little medallion? Copy the motions.”

(She tries a couple times and it’s still not working; she’s getting frustrated.)

Me: “No, no, it’s okay. You just need to think really hard, and it’s all in the wrists!”

(I say this really loud and start looking around at other people who may have wands.)

Me: “Keep at it! Focus!”

(At this point, an army of wand-wielding people has gathered right behind us, out of her line of vision, trying to get the sensor to work. It finally works. I give them the thumbs up, then give them a signal to disperse so the girl won’t realize it might not have been her. They all walk away, practically doing casual, “Oh, look at that detail in the village,” looks. The girl runs up to her dad.)

Girl: “I did it! I did it! Did you see it?!”

Me: “See? You are a witch! I knew it! Great job!”

Dad: *to me* “You are awesome!”

Me: “Oh, I didn’t do anything. She did! By the way? What house?”

Girl: “Gryffindor!”

Me: “Slytherin. Guess we aren’t all bad, huh? See you, sweetie!”

(I will never let a kid lose their imagination, even if I have to build an army on the quick to keep it running.)

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