How To Out-Baby A Baby

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | January 3, 2018

(I’m out shopping with my toddler when a woman suddenly stops in front of us with her cart. That’s when I notice that she’s gently tugging at her preschool aged daughter’s hand, trying to make her move out of the way of passers-by.)

Woman: “Come on, [Little Girl]. We’ve got to get home to make lunch for Daddy.”

Little Girl: *trying to pull her hand out of her mother’s grip* “No! I want to play that!”

(The little girl points at the claw machine near the front of the store and the woman sighs.)

Woman: “Not today, [Little Girl]. I don’t have any change to play it. We’ll have to play it next time.”

(At this point, the little girl sits down and crosses her arms and begins to pout.)

Little Girl: *sniffles and pretends to cry* “You’re so mean, Mommy!”

(At this point my toddler, who has been very intently watching the whole exchange, shakes his head.)

Toddler: *loudly as he points at the little girl* “Oh, no, no, no!”

(I can feel my face burning as I blush because my toddler is seemingly admonishing the little girl’s tantrum. The woman notices and points it out to her little girl.)

Woman: “Look at that! That little boy thinks you’re being bad!” *to me* “How old is he?”

Me: “He’s not quite two years old.”

Woman: “Did you hear that, [Little Girl]? You’re acting worse than that little baby right now. I thought you were my big girl.”

Little Girl: *quickly leaps to her feet* “I am a big girl! I’m sorry, Mommy!”

(The little girl then grabs her mother’s hand and skips out of the store alongside her.)

Me: *to my son* “I hope you stay this well-behaved for a long time yet.”

Toddler: *smiling* “Oh, nooo!”

Kitted Out For This Situation

, , , , , | Right | December 29, 2017

(We have four sizes based on number of scoops: toddler, small, medium, and large. People tend to refer to the “toddler” size as the “kiddie” size, but we know what they mean. A woman and her maybe three- or four-year-old girl come in while I am working with my other coworker.)

Mom: “She will take a kiddie cup, vanilla.”

Me: “All right!”

(I add one scoop to the Styrofoam cup and hand it to the mother, who then hands it to the girl. The girl pouts.)

Little Girl: “Aw, Mommy! I wanted the kitty cup!”

(We all started laughing at the sheer cuteness. My coworker took back the “kiddie” cup and drew a kitty picture on the cup with a sharpie, making it the “kitty” cup she wanted. They were both very pleased, and left a nice tip!)

The Age Of Adorable

, , , , | Romantic | December 28, 2017

(I am a female teacher. One of my male students has a six-year-old sister who adores him to the point where she won’t allow him past the school gates without a kiss. She’s universally accepted as “too cute.” One day I’m going to my car to get home after a long day and I run into my student, as well as his mother and sister. I wave at him, and then hear:)

Sister: *loudly* “Who is that?”

Student: *also loudly because he wants me to hear* “That’s the prettiest teacher in school, who is going to give me good grades tonight!” *we had a test that day*

(I laugh it off and get in my car, thinking it was a pretty okay joke. The next day, about 15 minutes into class, this student’s phone rings.)

Student: “Oh, d***. I swear this thing was off. Wait, Mom?”

(He takes the call out of worry.)

Student: “Yes, Mom… SHE WHAT?!”

(He jumps up and runs for the door.)

Student: “Sorry, my sister disappeared. She can’t have gone far; I’m going to look for her.”

(The daycare is a one-minute walk away from my classroom, so I rally my class to help out. However, as we take a collective sprint to the gates, we find his sister standing in the schoolyard, looking lost. Upon seeing us she runs past her brother straight to me, looking as adorably angry as only a six-year-old can. She angrily pokes me in the thigh and looks up at me, declaring:)

Sister: “[Brother] is going to marry me, not you!”

(Turns out she was a little jealous.)

Cleared For Parenting

, , , | Working | December 20, 2017

(I work as an assistant for a busy lawyer and therefore am in charge of her schedule. She has a young daughter, who I think is about six. One afternoon my boss calls me on the phone and, chuckling, tells me her daughter wants to speak to me. I’m confused, but let her put the kid on the line.)

Me: “Hello?”

Daughter: “Hi, are you Ms. [My Name]?”

Me: “I am. What can I do for you?”

Daughter: “My mum says she can’t come home until you say it’s okay, so I want to ask if you can please let her out early today?”

(I’m speechless for a moment, but tell her I’ll try. Afterwards I go over to my boss and ask what that was about.)

Boss: *still giggling* “I guess I said that too often, that I have to clear my schedule with you. She thinks you’re my boss.”

(It was cute as hell, but I can’t help feeling sorry for the kid. Money and prestige are all very nice, but that doesn’t make up for time with your parents!)

Sounds Like Soggy Stockings To Me

, , , , , , , , | Related | December 20, 2017

(My partner and I don’t do Christmas, but due to over-saturation in the media, our three-year-old daughter knows all about it. She is also a very sweet and observant kid.)

Daughter: “Mama, what do you want to ask Santa to bring for Christmas?”

Me: “Nothing. I already have everything I need.”

Daughter: “Maybeeee… coffee.”

Me: *laughs* “That’s a good present.”

Daughter: “Daddy, what do you want to ask Santa to bring for Christmas?”

Partner: “Nothing. I have everything I need.”

Daughter: “Maybeeee… Gatorade.”

(We laughed. The kid knows our favorite drinks!)

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