(Two little girls are in the woman’s washroom. Both sound like they are under six years old.)
Little Girl #1: “I have to poop!”
Little Girl #2: “Don’t say that; we’re innocent people!”
(It was all I could do not to burst out laughing in my stall.)
(I am a small child. I am with my family at a country park in the grounds of a castle on a warm summer day. There are some groundskeepers from the castle staff putting on a falconry display. They are flying them into trees then calling them back, having them chase a fake rabbit, letting the kids handle some of the smaller ones, etc.)
Falcon Handler: *indicating to the falcon’s leg* “Okay, see this little thing around his leg? Can anyone tell me what that is?”
(Silence from the crowd of young children, all looking a bit confused.)
Falcon Handler: “I’ll give you a clue. It’s in case he flies away and won’t come back. What do you think this does if he flies away and won’t come back?”
(One child of about six or seven years old slowly raises his hand, looking very uncertain.)
Falcon Handler: “Yes! You! What does this do if he flies away and won’t come back?”
Child: “Explode?”
(Turns out it was a tracker and not a lethal explosive escape deterrent.)
(A customer and her daughter, who can be no older than four, walk up to the service counter.)
Customer: “Can I get a pack of [Cigarette Brand], please.”
Supervisor: “Sure.”
Girl: “No, Mommy, don’t.”
Customer: “But Daddy asked me to get them for him.”
Girl: “But they’re bad.” *to Supervisor* “Don’t get them.”
Supervisor: “I have to, or I’ll get in trouble.”
(My supervisor goes over to the drawer and grabs the cigarettes.)
Girl: “No! Don’t get them. They’re bad for Daddy. Don’t!”
Customer: “It’s okay, honey.”
Girl: *looking more and more upset by the second* “No, it’s not. Don’t scan them. Please.”
Supervisor: *trying to act as sweetly as possible* “I’m very sorry, but I have to. It’s my job. I’ll get in trouble if I don’t.”
(She scans the cigarettes.)
Supervisor: “That’ll be [price].”
Girl: “No! Don’t! Mummy, don’t buy them. They’re bad for Daddy. They’ll kill him.”
(The customer pays and the supervisor hands them the pack of cigarettes.)
Girl: “No!”
(As her mother tried to drag her away, the little girl folded her arms and scrunched up her face in that cute way four-year-olds do when they’re angry. I’m glad my supervisor took that one; I don’t think I would have been able to go through with the purchase with a little girl basically begging me to spare her father’s life.)
(A little kid understands horns, but he can’t understand how antlers fall off then grow back.)
Little Boy: “So, the animal dies, then the antlers fall off?”
Me: “No, they fall off, and then a new pair grows while the animal is still alive.”
Little Boy: “But the animal dies?”
Me: *getting frustrated* “No. It’s like losing a tooth. You lose one, and a new one grows in, but this happens to some animals once a year.”
Little Boy: “But the tooth fairy makes me lose my teeth.”
Me: “Well, the antler fairy makes them lose theirs.”
Little Boy: “And then she takes them, right?”
Me: “Yeah!”
Little Boy: “But how did you get that one?” *pointing at the antler*
Me: “Well, the antler fairy brings them to zoos so we can tell people about them.”
Little Boy: “But what about Santa?”
Me: *confused* “Santa?”
Little Boy: “Yeah, doesn’t he like to keep the antlers?”
Me: “He keeps some, but the rest he gives to the antler fairy.”
Little Boy: “Ohhhhhhhh.”
(Years ago, when my youngest aunt first attended school, she had until then been called “Jojo” by family and friends instead of her birth name. This wasn’t an issue until she started school.)
Teacher: “[Aunt]? [Aunt]? I guess she’s absent.”
(After roll call is done, my aunt raises her hand.)
Aunt: “You didn’t call me!”
Teacher: “I didn’t? What’s your name?”
Aunt: “Jojo!”
Teacher: “There’s no Jojo on the list; your name can’t be Jojo.”
Aunt: *getting upset now* “Yes, I am! I’m Jojo!”
Teacher: *light bulb goes off* “The only absent person is [Aunt], are you [Aunt]?”
Aunt: “NO! I am Jojo! My name’s Jojo!”
Teacher: “[Surname] is your last name, right?”
Aunt: “Yes!”
Teacher: “Then you’re [Aunt].”
Aunt: “NO! I said my name is Jojo!”
(She then proceeds to have a full-on tantrum, so the teacher drags her to the office and calls my grandmother to try to resolve the issue. My grandmother just laughs.)
Grandmother: “OH! Jojo is her nickname. I didn’t realize we were only calling her that. Yes, this is [Aunt].”
Aunt: *stomps her foot* “Mooooooom! You’re dumb! My. Name. Is. Jojo!”
(Forty years later, the family will not let my aunt live it down.)
