Out Bat-ter Angels

, , | Right | September 24, 2012

(I work at a hospital. Every week, we host an event where volunteers come in and entertain some of the sick children. On this particular day, most of the volunteers are dressed up as superheroes.)

Superman: “Who wants me to see if I can pull a penny out of their nose?”

Child #1: *in a wheelchair* “Me! Me!”

Superman: *doing his magic trick* “I’m afraid I can’t. All I could find were all these quarters!”

(Superman magically pulls out a quarter and gives it to [Child #1]. A few minutes later, [Child #1] returns.)

Child #1: “Superman! Superman! I bought candy with the money you found! This one’s for you.”

(At this point, one of two volunteers dressed as Spider-man speaks up.)

Spider-man #1: “Where’d he get that candy?”

Child #2: “There’s a vending machine in the hallway.”

Spider-man #1: “They let you buy candy? That’s not healthy.”

Spider-man #2: “I’m sure the nurses here are aware of what the kids eat.”

Child #2: “It’s true. They’re really strict.”

Spider-man #1: “It’s just not healthy…”

(Meanwhile, Superman is continuing his trick.)

Superman: “…and another one in the left ear, and another one in the right ear. Wait! I haven’t checked your nose for quarters yet.”

Child #3: *after Superman’s finished* “What kind of candy do you want, Superman?”

Superman: “Don’t worry about me, kid. I’m Superman! Superman can make candy with his mind.”

Child #3: “Nuh uh! I saw the movie!”

Superman: “Oh, yeah? Watch this!”

(He closes his eyes and concentrations hard, then pretends to catch something out of the air.)

Superman: “Ah-ha! Chocolate!”

Spider-man #1: “Don’t give her that. They get too much sugar.”

Nurse: “It’s fine, sir.”

Spider-man #1: “No!”

(All of a sudden, Spider-man #1 grabs the chocolate from Superman, throws it on the floor, and stomps on it. He’s clearly out of control and scaring the children.)

Spider-man #1: “Food like that will just keep you sick! They just want you to stay here and keep buying their s****y candy to keep you sick so they can get your money! They just—”

(At that moment, a man dressed as Batman appears with his cape wrapped around him. Surprised, Spider-man #1 begins stuttering.)

Spider-man #1: “Uh… what do you want?”

Batman: *in a deep voice* “I want this hospital to be a place of hope. I want these children to enjoy their lives. I want the forces of darkness forever beaten.”

(He drops the cloak, revealing the police uniform underneath it.)

Batman: *cuffs Spider-man #1* “I want justice!”

(The children all cheer, relieved. A month later, one of the children who has been in the hospital for a very long time is getting ready to leave. When someone asks him what his favorite memory of the volunteer nights was, he says…)

Child: “When crazy Spider-man went crazy and Batman took off his costume and he was an actually real hero and made crazy Spider-man go away!”

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From The Mouth Of Babes

, , | Related | September 19, 2012

(I work in biotechnology, specialising in IVF (assisted reproduction). On my daughter’s first day in kindergarten, I receive a call from the principal. She had introduced herself to the class in an interesting fashion.)

Daughter: “Hi, I’m [Daughter], and my daddy gets women pregnant.”

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The Stark Truth Shall Set You Free

, , , | Related | July 17, 2012

(Since watching ‘The Avengers’, my little brother has gotten interested in comics. I’m home from college and educating him on the subject. We’re looking at the Marvel Encyclopaedia online.)

Brother: “Why does it say Iron Man has feet of clay?”

Me: “It means he isn’t as good as he seems to be. That he has a weakness.”

Brother: “That doesn’t make sense. Why do they say that?”

Me: “Well, it comes from a bible quote, from the book of Daniel.”

(I show him the quote which describes idols made from gold, iron, brass with clay feet which then are destroyed.)

Brother: “What’s brass?”

Me: “It’s the type of metal the light switch is made of. So feet of clay means a weakness, or something not as good as it pretends to be, and with Iron Man it means he drinks too much.”

(The next day at dinner.)

Brother: “Iron Man’s in the bible!”

Mum: “What?”

Me: “No. No, he’s not.”

Brother: “Yes, he is. The king saw him and he had clay feet and arms made of light switches! You said!”

*awkward silence*

Mum: “What, exactly, have you been telling my son?”

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A Thor-tful Child, Part 2

, , , , | Related | July 15, 2012

(I’m watching ‘The Avengers’. Suddenly I see a mother, with a little boy who is dressed in an Iron Man costume and bouncing up the steps and scuttling into his booster seat. I am worried at first that he will be very noisy, but he is probably the most well-behaved little boy I have ever seen at the movies. The movie comes to the part where Loki is being taken to the gigantic holding cell. Suddenly, this little boy has a very important question to ask his mother, one he just couldn’t really keep to himself.)

Boy: “Mommy, is he going into time out?”

(Little fantastic boy in the Iron Man costume, you just made that scene forever funny in my mind.)

 

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Santa Will Not Be Pleased

, , , , , | Right | December 31, 2011

(It’s three weeks until Christmas, and I’m ringing up a customer when her child speaks up.)

Child: “Mommy, when’s Christmas?”

Customer: “When you eat each and every one of the chocolates from the advent calendar, it’ll be Christmas.”

Child: “But I already ate all of the chocolate…”

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