Nothing Never Tasted So Good

, , , , , , , | Related | June 11, 2018

(I am visiting my cousin and niece at their house. They are in the kitchen while I am in an adjacent room.)

Niece: “Daddy, can I have some ice cream?”

Cousin: “Sure thing. Don’t tell anyone else about this, okay?”

(At this point, I need something from the kitchen, so I walk in, just as my cousin is opening the freezer and taking out an ice cream carton.)

Me: “Hey there, [Niece]. What are you doing?”

Niece: “We’re getting… nothing from the freezer.”

(She held her arms out, as if to block me from seeing my very tall cousin prepare an ice cream cone.)

It Can Be A Fight To Get To Playtime

, , , | Related | June 10, 2018

(It’s the weekend, and I’m sitting at the computer filling out a rather long job application, when my three-year-old son climbs in my lap and asks me to play with him.)

Me: “Sorry, buddy, I have to answer these questions first. Here, you can help me answer this one. What are my strengths? What is mommy good at?”

Son: “Um, hugging! And opening chips.” *gives me a hug* “And kissing.”

Me: “I’m glad you think so, because I love hugging you. Next question, what are my weaknesses?”

Son: “I don’t know.”

Me: “What am I not good at?”

Son: “Fighting! Flying! I don’t know. Can you play now?”

(When I told my husband about it later, his response was, “Well, he’s not wrong.”)

Waving You Through

, , , , | Hopeless | June 6, 2018

(When we are kids, my brother drops me off at middle school before he goes to high school. Every morning, we pass a police car at the same intersection, and every morning I happily wave to the police officer in the car. My brother always tells me to knock it off or he’ll pull us over, but I persist. A while later, my brother is in an accident and I have to take the bus while he is in the hospital. When he gets well enough to drive again, he wears his seatbelt in a very strange way because of his freshly-mended ribs. On our way to school we get pulled over.)

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Brother: “I’m sorry, Officer, but I’m not sure.”

Officer: “From the view in my car it seems like you’re not wearing a seatbelt. I now see you are wearing it, but in a very unsafe fashion.”

Brother: “I just broke my ribs in an accident a while back, and wearing the seatbelt normally hurts quite a bit.”

Officer: “I understand, but if you’re not well enough to wear your seatbelt properly then you shouldn’t be driving. I’m going to have to give you—” *suddenly noticing me* “Wait, are you the little girl that used to wave to me every morning?”

(I nod nervously. This is my first time being pulled over, so I must look terrified.)

Officer: “Well, it’s been a while! I was wondering where you went. I guess you were taking the bus while he healed from that accident, huh?”

Me: “Yeah, we even had to get a new car because the old one got ruined.”

Officer: “So that’s why I didn’t recognize you. That’s a shame; you always brightened up my mornings when you came by. You know what? You two go ahead today. You remind him to wear his seatbelt properly, will you?”

Me: “I will! I can’t promise he’ll listen, though.”

Brother: “I promise I’ll listen! I appreciate it, Officer.”

(I still waved at that officer every day until he moved locations. My brother never once complained after that.)

How Not To Feel Blue While Getting Blue

, , , , , | Related | June 5, 2018

Mom: “What kind of ice cream do you want?”

Little Girl: “Blue!”

(After scooping her blue bubblegum ice cream, I hand it to the little girl and she runs off to sit and eat it at one of the nearby tables. Her parents and I focus on the rest of the family’s order, but a few minutes later we look over at her and see her face completely smeared with bright blue ice cream.)

Mom: “Oh, look at you! You’ve turned blue!”

Dad: *to me, slightly accusatory* “You’ve turned her into a Smurf!”

Me: “[Coworker], we better call [Boss]. We’ve had another Smurf incident!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 5, 2018

(I have heterochromia, which means I have two different colored eyes. My left one is blue and my right one is brown/hazel. I’ve had many people comment on them, good and bad. Example #1: I’m taking pictures of the wildlife in the park for a school project. We’re taking a break and decide to make small talk.)

Me: “I like your bracelet.”

Partner: “Thanks, it was a birthday gift.”

Me: “Lucky.”

Partner: “Have you ever considered surgery to make both your eyes the same color?”

Me: “Does something like that exist?”

Partner: “Yeah. My aunt hates contacts but loves blue eyes.”

Me: “Unless it’s glaucoma or vision correction, I don’t feel comfortable going through expensive eye surgery.”

Partner: “But you’d look normal!”

Me: “My definition of normal and yours seem to be at different ends of the spectrum.”

(Example #2: Same park, weekend, I’m painting the pond.)

Mother: “Go on. Ask her, sweetie.”

Little Girl: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes?”

Little Girl: “Are you a witch? Your eyes are odd.”

Me: “Shhh. If my father hears someone figured out my secret, he might give me twice my magic homework.”

Little Girl: “I promise I won’t tell.” *makes a “my lips are sealed” gesture and skips happily to her mother*

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