Oldest Trick In The Book

, , , , | Hopeless | March 10, 2018

(At my cinema, we have special screenings for seniors on Wednesday mornings. For less than half the price of a normal ticket, they can see a movie that was released earlier in the year, as well as get a cup of tea and a small snack. On this day, I am approached by a man who is well under forty, and his maybe seven-year-old daughter.)

Man: “Two tickets to [Marvel Movie], please! [Daughter] and I missed it when it was out first time, so we were excited to see it on the website.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m really not supposed to give tickets to non-seniors. It’s a special viewing for our older customers.”

Man: *disappointed, but pleasant* “Oh. I should’ve looked. I was just really excited to see it in the cinema. Don’t worry, love; it’s not your fault.”

(I feel bad, because the man is looking crestfallen, and I consider making an exception and arguing with my manager later. Before I can say anything, however, the little girl looks from her dad to me and back again before clearly making a decision.)

Daughter: *clutching her back and doubling over* “Oh! My back!”

Man: “[Daughter]? What’s wrong?”

Daughter: “It’s my back, Daddy! I have a sore back because I’m so old!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Oh, is that right? How old are you?”

Daughter: “I’m at least seventy-seven and I need a ticket for the old people movie! And Daddy needs to come help me to my seat!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I can certainly do a ticket for you and your companion if you’re the right age.”

Daughter: “I already told you I’m eighty-seven!”

Man: “You said seventy-seven, [Daughter].”

Daughter: “See? I’m so old I don’t know what age I am!”

(I let them in and replaced the tea with a fruit juice for her. My manager wasn’t thrilled with me when she found out, but the dad was thankful. Besides, that kind of quick thinking must be rewarded!)

Waiting For Wicked Wings Is Widiculous

, , , , , | Right | March 9, 2018

(I am lining up at popular southern-style fried chicken chain to place our order when this exchange occurs:)

Staff: “I’m sorry, sir, but there will be a five-minute wait for Wicked Wings.”

Customer: “What?! Five minutes! Why the hell would it take five minutes?!”

Staff: “We don’t keep a lot pre-cooked, so it’s always fresh for our valued customers like you, sir.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not waiting.”

Staff: “I can replace the wings with regular chicken pieces for you, sir.”

Customer: “NO! I want Wicked Wings.”

Staff: “So, there will be a five-minute wait on the wings, sir—”

Customer: “I’M NOT WAITING!”

Staff: “Like I said, I can substitute regular pieces for you.”


Staff: “I… I don’t know what to tell you, sir. Either you wait for wings or accept a substitution. I can’t bend time.”

Customer: *turns almost purple from anger* “HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT?! GET ME YOUR MANAGER!”

(By this time everyone has had it with this idiot man-child, but it’s a little kid who speaks up. The kid behind me says to his mum:)

Kid: “You would smack my bum if I shouted like that, Mum.”

Mum: “Yes. Yes, I would.”

(That’s all it took for me. I laughed so much I snorted, and idiot man-child left without ordering his food. I let the kid and his mum go ahead of me because I still couldn’t compose myself to place an order. Well done, little kid. And idiot man-child, thank you for making me laugh harder than I have in a long time.)

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A Summary Four You

, , , , | Related | March 4, 2018

(I’ve just picked my four-year-old son up from preschool and he’s doing what he usually does when I get him: telling me whatever random thoughts cross his mind.)

Son: “I eat, I play, I go potty, and I rest. That’s four! Four things.”

Me: “I have to admit; that’s a fair summary of your day.”

Interview With A Not-Vampire

, , , | Right | March 2, 2018

(I work at a 24-hour convenience store and gas station. It’s around three in the morning. A couple come in to buy food and snacks for the rest of their trip and to pay for gas. They clearly have been traveling a long distance, and they have their two very young children in tow. It’s late and they all look tired, so they’re very quiet until they get to my register.)

Little Girl: “Excuse me, ma’am. Are you a vampire?”

Me: “Who, me? No, I’m not a vampire.”

Little Girl: “Then why are you up so late, and here by yourself?”

(The mother looks horrified and I can tell the father is trying not to laugh.)

Me: “I don’t know. Why are you up so late?”

(She got a surprised look on her face, like she was actually considering that she might be a vampire, and she was quiet while they finished their purchases and walked back out to the car. This was by far my favorite experience of my normally boring graveyard shifts.)

Charity Starts At Home

, , , | Hopeless | February 24, 2018

(The store where I work is having a charity drive. It’s not a well-known charity, and since it’s summer, people aren’t as prepared to be asked for money as during the Christmas season. Also, we’re required to ask every customer for donations at checkout, so regulars get asked multiple times over the month. Still, people are generous, and we usually get offers of $1 to $3, with an occasional offer of $5, and rarely more. On the last day of the drive, a customer and her daughter, about ten years old, come to my register.)

Me: *ringing her up* “Would you like to donate a few dollars to [Charity] today?”

Customer: “I haven’t heard of that. What is it?”

Me: “It’s a children’s cancer institute near our company’s headquarters.”

Customer’s Daughter: *gasps and looks at me with wide eyes, then looks to her mom*

Me: “We run a charity for them every summer. Each of our stores is supporting a different kid at the institute, and here we’re supporting a little girl named Kate.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s so great.”

Customer’s Daughter: “Mom! Can we donate $100?”

(The customer and I both smile and laugh a little.)

Customer: “No, honey, we can’t give that much.”

Customer’s Daughter: “Well, what about $20? $30?”

Customer: “Here, you can put me for $5.”

(Still a generous amount, considering, and I thanked her and got to announce the donation over the store’s speakers. I’m not sure how that young girl got to be so sensitive about kids in need, but I’m glad she came through my register, and kudos to her for trying!)

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