The Only Thing Cuter Than A Puppy Is a Meet-Cute

, , , , , , , | Related | August 31, 2019

(I am watching my niece for the afternoon. I work from home, so on days when her parents can’t get someone to watch her, they ask if she can play in my living room while I work. She’s very good about not disturbing me without asking, “Can Uncle can go on break?” so it works out. After I get off early for the day because of working too long the day before, I decide to take her to the park for how good she’s been. While there, we run into a neighbor with a service dog.)

Niece: “PUPPY!” *runs to pet it*

Me: “[Niece]! Stop right there!”

(She freezes.)

Me: “Sweetie, do you see how that dog has a vest on it?”

Niece: “Uh-huh! It’s cute!”

Me: “Sweetie, dogs with vests on them are special. They’re working dogs. That means that the dog is working right now.”

Niece: “Oh. So, I shouldn’t bother it while it’s working?”

Me: “Right! Not unless it’s on break. Just like Uncle [My Name].”

Niece: “Okay!” *walks slowly up to my neighbor* “Excuse me, boss lady. Is it okay for the puppy to go on break so I can pet it?”

Neighbor: “Oh, my! What a little cutie! Yes, sweetie, and call me Miss [Neighbor]. The dog is [Dog]! [Dog], you are now on break! Sit!”

(The dog sits down and looks at my niece.)

Niece: “Yay!” *pets the dog and gives him a hug* “Okay, [Dog]! Time to go back to work! Thank you, Miss [Neighbor]!”

Neighbor: “Oh, no, sweetie. He needs a longer break than that. You keep on playing with him. [My Name], who is this little sweetheart? And why haven’t you introduced us before?”

Me: *explains the situation* “And I just happened to get off early today, so we came to the park. It’s about time for us to head back so her parents can get her, though. [Niece], are you ready to go home?”

Niece: “Okay! Can I walk next to [Dog] and watch him work?”

Neighbor: “Of course, you can! [Dog]! Time to go home!”

(As we walk back, I get a call from her parents who let me know that they are running late, and ask me to give my niece dinner if I can.)

Me: “[Niece], sweetie. Mommy and Daddy are running late so you’re having dinner with me tonight. What would you like for dinner?”

Niece: “I want Miss [Neighbor] to have dinner with us!”

Me: “I.. bu… wha… I guess if she wants to? But we still need to figure out what to eat. Do you want spaghetti?”

Niece: “Okay!”

Neighbor: “Oh, that sounds lovely! Can I bring some wine over?”

Me: “Only if you’re okay with cracking it after she leaves.”

(And that is the story of how my niece chose who was going to be her aunt.)

 

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Mickey And Fairies And Elsa, Oh My!

, , , , , , , , | Related | August 29, 2019

(My girlfriend recently moved in with me. She used to live in New Jersey, but left because she didn’t feel she had reason to stay there. Her family lives across three states, and her friends were always too busy for more than a text conversation. Despite this, she still misses NJ — she lived there all her life — and is depressed for a while after moving in with me. Eventually, I convince her to get out of the house for a while and I take her to the Disney Store, one of her favorite places ever. It works! She leaves happier than she went in, and she buys an Elsa doll. Before we return home, we stop at my brother’s house to get my niece and take her to her grandma’s. Unfortunately, my brother’s mouth runs faster than his brain.)

Brother: “Hey! Did you buy that for [Niece]?”

Me: “No, [Girlfriend] bought that for herself.”

Brother: “What for? Isn’t that stuff for little kids? She should just give it to [Niece], anyway. I mean, what is she going to do with it? People will think she’s some sad person who never grew up. Everyone in the neighborhood will talk about her.”

(My girlfriend has seen my brother only three times — this being the third — so she feels too shy to really speak up and say anything. I just want to leave, so I ask where our niece is and my brother calls her to the door. She hurries with her backpack and, of course, immediately spots the Elsa doll.)

Niece: “Auntie, you got Elsa! Grandma bought me Anna! Want to see it? It’s at her house!”

Brother: “[Niece], grownups don’t play with dolls. Cartoons are for kids like you. Grownups don’t care about that.”

Niece: “That’s not true! Mommy was Wonder Woman for Halloween! And Grandma likes Mickey Mouse! And grandpa likes Superman! And Uncle–” *referring to me* “–likes ponies! And Auntie–” *my girlfriend* “–likes fairies! And I like all of them!”

(My brother seemed like he wanted to say something, but just told us goodbye and we left. I want to think he was embarrassed that a six-year-old was more open-minded than he was, but knowing him, he probably blew it off and only said nothing because my niece said it. She’s the only one he has a filter around since she’s a kid. On the upside, my girlfriend found it funny and appreciated the inadvertent defense. She started smiling more after that day.)

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Bet They Taught Him How To Tie His Shoes After That

, , , , , , | Related | August 28, 2019

When my son was three, he was in his Sunday School class and looked down to find his shoe was untied. His teacher apparently wasn’t paying very close attention to him because he couldn’t get the teacher’s attention to get his shoe tied. So, he wandered off to find Mom or Dad to fix the problem. 

He found me… playing bass on the platform for the worship service. Without a worry in the world, he wandered right up there to get his shoe tied. 

That set a few hundred people laughing and I was mortally embarrassed, but he got his shoe tied and then someone helpful got him back to his class.

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Little Boys Are Complete Tools

, , , | Right | August 12, 2019

(I am ringing out a mother and her two little boys wearing the cutest raincoats. I overhear the older boy whispering to his mom that the girl didn’t reply when he said hi. Realizing he is talking about me, I wave to him.)

Me: “Hi there!”

Older Boy: “Hi! I’m a fireman! This is my uniform ‘cause I’m a fireman.” *starts smiling and going into detail about firemen*

Me: *turning to the younger boy* “And what are you supposed to be?”

Younger Boy: *with a yellow raincoat* “TOOLS! I’m tools!”

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The Boy, The Octopus, And The Strawberry

, , , | Right | August 12, 2019

(I work for tips as a balloon artist at a local arts market.)

Boy: “Excuse me. How much is a balloon?”

Me: “I work for tips.”

Boy: *looks confused*

Me: “That means you pay whatever you want.”

Boy: “Okay!” *runs off, returns a few minutes later* “Can you make me an octopus?”

Me: “Sure!” *makes balloon* “Here you go, sweetie.”

Boy: “Thank you! Here’s your tip!” *pulls out a huge, bigger-than-his-hand strawberry* “I don’t have any money, so I chose the biggest, bestest strawberry! Bye!” *runs off with octopus balloon*

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