Speaking Your Private Parts

, , , , , , | Learning | March 2, 2019

(I’m a girl in year seven — sixth grade — and we’re learning about the reproductive system in biology. Everyone is really embarrassed, which isn’t helped by the fact that our teacher is a 40- to 50-year-old man. Naturally, there are some funny and memorable moments.)

Teacher: *labelling a diagram of the female reproductive system, pointing to the uterus* “Who can tell me what this part is called?”

Male Classmate #1: “Vagina!”

Every Female Student: *cringing*

Teacher: “No.”

Female Friend: “It’s the uterus.”

Teacher: “Correct.” *pointing to cervix on the diagram* “What about this part?”

Male Classmate #1: “Oh, I know this one… Vagina!”

Every Female Student: *cringing more*

Teacher: “No, this is the cervix.” *pointing to vagina on diagram* “Finally, who can tell me what this part’s called? [Male Classmate #1]?”

Male Classmate #1: “VAGINA!”

Every Female Student: *dying of embarrassment*


Teacher: “Now, what about the male reproductive system?”

(The slide changes to a cartoon side view of a penis and testicles.)

Male Classmate #2: “Why do we have to learn about this in front of the girls?”

Female Classmate: “We didn’t complain. We sat through [Male Classmate #1] shouting, ‘Vagina!’ multiple times; why shouldn’t you have to deal with the same embarrassment?”

(Us girls spent the rest of the lesson answering every question with, “Penis?” Even our male teacher thought it was funny.)

Have Low Egg-spectations Of Their Staff

, , , , , , | Working | April 17, 2018

(I’m eating breakfast in the café of a well-known supermarket chain, chatting with an extremely friendly elderly couple at the next table over who still seem to be waiting for their meals. One of the staff comes over with two jacket potatoes and I am treated to this exchange:)

Waitress: “I’m sorry, again, about having to change your order; unfortunately, we just can’t provide scrambled eggs.”

Wife: “It’s fine; don’t worry! We were happy with the breakfasts, otherwise, though… My husband just cannot eat fried eggs!”

Waitress: “I know. I’m very sorry. I couldn’t tell you the reasons, but it’s an issue of Health and Safety. We’re not allowed to poach or scramble eggs. We can only fry.”

Me: *leaning over* “But isn’t it easier to safely scramble an egg than fry one?”

Waitress: “I know; it’s just what we have to do.”

(I think [Supermarket] needs to revisit their risk assessments if their catering staff aren’t officially trusted with an egg!)

Smartypants Comments

, , , , , | Learning | February 17, 2018

(Since year three, we’ve had the same ICT teacher. She’s one of those people who you can’t imagine ever swearing. One day, in year six, it’s near the end of term, and our ICT lesson is pretty relaxed. This leads to some interesting and very memorable quotes.)

Teacher: “The most interesting thing that happened in my village was when somebody stole a fence.”


Teacher: “He was so stupid that somebody robbed him twice.”

(This one will never leave my mind. [Friend] is notorious for being very disruptive.)

Friend: *disrupting class*

Teacher: “[Friend], sit down and stop being such a smarta— Uh… –ypants.”

Defense Against Assumption Arts

, , , , , | Learning | October 6, 2017

(It’s the first day of school, and we have a new teacher.)

Me: *to friend* “I’m not so sure about Miss [New Teacher].”

Friend: “Yeah, she’s a bit strict.”

New Teacher: *writes a Dumbledore quote on the board*

Me: “I will do well here.”