The Crazies Always Come Out When It’s Overcast

, | | Right | June 5, 2009

Me: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “You have to help me! Someone has been following me all day!”

Me: “Can you give a description of the person?”

Caller: “She’s all black, taller than me, and no face.”

Me: “Ma’am…that’s your shadow.”

Caller: “A what?”

Me: “Ma’am, a shadow is seen as a reflection of yourself when the sun is at a certain angle.”

Caller: “Oh my GOD! It’s like a fairy!”

Me: “No, it–”

Caller: “OH MY GOD, EVERYONE! I HAVE A FAIRY!”

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

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Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia

, | | Right | May 15, 2009

Me: “9-1-1, police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “Help, please God, help!”

Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

Me: “Calm down… the police are well on the way as we are talking.”

Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh my God, why me?”

Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

Caller: “Yeah, I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… he’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell what he wants?”

Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

Pizza guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”

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The (Brain) Damage Has Already Been Done

, | | Right | May 6, 2009

(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)

Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Oh my god! Help me! Help me!”

Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt and where you are?”

Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”

Me: “Your brain…stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”

Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”

(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)

Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your…brain stopped working.”

Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”

Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”

(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)

Caller: “Hey, dude…”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Is she right?”

Me: “Who?”

Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”

Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”

Caller: “Oh my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, I didn’t say–”

Caller: *hangs up*

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Rescue 911, Transylvania Edition

, | | Right | April 11, 2009

(Note: South County is a psychiatric institution.)

911: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, I’m sorry to bother you but I am checking into South County tomorrow. I’m afraid to go cause there is a guy who works there who wears a star and says he’s a vampire.”

911: “People are allowed to be vampires if they want to be, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh yeah? What if he tried to bite me?”

911: “Did he try to bite you?”

Caller: “No.”

911: “Give us a call back if he tries to bite you.”

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