Starting This Marriage With A Fresh Sheet

(I am marrying my fiancée in two days. We have just left a dinner with my extended family, including some out-of-towners whom she has never met before.)

Fiancée: “Ugh, I ate too much. I just want to get into bed.”

Me: “Well, the bad news is, the bedsheets only just came out of the dryer before we left. We’ll have to put them on first.”

Fiancée: “Double ugh. I HATE doing bedsheets.”

Me: “I’ll make you a deal: you hang all the other clean laundry and I’ll handle the bedsheets.”

Fiancée: “Deal! And don’t forget to throw your shirt in the wash! You spilled some sauce on it and you don’t want the stain to set in.”

(We get home and begin our chores.)

Me: “I don’t have enough dirty clothes to run with this shirt. Do you have anything you need washed?”

Fiancée: “Uh… Just, everything I’m wearing. Throw yours in, too; it’ll make a load.”

(We strip naked, and I toss everything into the laundry machine. Then I get back to the business of putting bedsheets on the bed.)

Fiancée: “Ugh, I ate too much. I need to exercise. And I haven’t pooped in a couple of days. I’m just gonna do some jumping jacks over here.”

(She does.)

Fiancée: “Can’t do this with my boobs flopping around.”

Me: “Do you want me to hold them in place for you? Or get you a sports bra or something?”

Fiancée: “Ha-ha. No, I’ll hold on to them myself. I’ll just only do the ‘jumping’ part of the jumping jacks.”

(She does.)

Fiancée: “I need to poop…”

(She hurries to the bathroom.)

Fiancée: “Ha! I figured out how to get out of helping you put sheets on the bed!”