Speaking American Is A Country Diction In Terms

(We have one really racist customer who calls in every few hours, and asks ridiculous questions about the employees. When he gets answers he doesn’t like, he hangs up. One of our reps decides she’ll deal with him the next time he calls, so we pass the call along to her. It is slow, so a few of us crowd around to listen.)

Representative: “Thank you for calling [company]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “None of that s***! Before you help me, you have to pass a test. First of all, were you born in the state you live in?”

Representative: “No, sir. Now how may I help you?”

Caller: “That’s strike one. Were you born in the US?”

Representative: “Yes. Is that all?”

Caller: “How long has your family been here?”

Representative: *mischievous smile* “Which side are you inquiring about, sir?”

Caller: “Excuse me?”

Representative: “Well I’m assuming you have at least a rudimentary understanding of genetics. Therefore, unless your parents are brother and sister, you should have two sides to your family.”

Caller: “Who the f*** you think you are, asking me that?”

Representative: “Well, you’re the one who asked an unclear question, sir.”

Caller: “And you ain’t smart enough to know I meant BOTH sides of your family?”

Representative: “Well, sir, to answer your ambiguous question it depends on which part of the family you mean. Both my parents were born in the United States.”

Caller: “What about their parents?”

Representative: “What about them?”

Caller: “YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”

Representative: “Well I really don’t think that’s any of your business, sir.”

Caller: “I want to make sure I’m dealing with a real American, you hear me? Someone who can speak American good, who ain’t some dummy foreigner, and who ain’t none of them [string of racial slurs]!”

Representative: “Sir, as someone who majored in language and literature in college, I can guarantee you that I probably speak English better than you do.”

Caller: “That ain’t good enough! I said American! Not English!”

Representative: “You do realize that American is a vernacular of English?”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Representative: “Why don’t you get a dictionary, and look it up? While you’re at it, look up ‘inbred’ and ‘bigot’, and call back when you figure out why I suggested it.” *hangs up*