Speak Loudly And Carry A Big Stick

(My friend and I are out doing some shopping. Note: my friend had sprained his ankle earlier that day, so I’d leant him a walking stick I happened to own to help him around the store. A rather disheveled old man, also with a cane, approaches us out of the blue.)

Old Man: *to my friend* “Nice cane!”

My Friend: “Thanks.”

Old Man: “Did you get it here?” *turns to an employee who is stocking shelves beside us* “Did he get it here?”

Employee: “Uh—”

Old Man: “Handy things, canes! Great for clubbing people!” *swings his cane wildly* “It’s honestly something no senior should be without; they’re great for self-defense. If anyone tries to attack you, or mug you, you can just smash them!”

(The old man begins to mime beating someone with his cane. My friend, the employee, and I exchange glances.)

My Friend: “Yeah… good…”

Old Man: “Do you know what else canes are good for? MOUNTAINS. Have you been to the mountains? They’ve got these great canes up there; huge branches that they’ve carved into. Great for bushwalking, but what I think they should do is just whack one of those little rubber things on the end and sell them as regular old walking sticks. I think there’s a serious market for those!” *turns to the employee* “Would you stock something like that?”

Employee: “I—”

Old Man: “And do you know what else? You could sell self-defense DVDs with the walking sticks, teaching people the weak spots in the human body and the best way to swing your cane! THE BALLS! Aim for the balls! Or the nose or stomach; that’d work! Even just getaway attacks, like taking out the knees, giving you time to run. You know, even if people didn’t want the walking stick, I think they’d still buy the DVD; that’s really handy knowledge!”

(He stops as it looks like a thought dawns on him, while the three of us just stare at him, speechless.)

Old Man: “There is a genuine market for these!” *points at me and my friend accusingly* “It’s mine! You know it’s mine and you can’t have it! Try and steal it… AND I’LL WHACK YA!”

(He lunges at us with his cane and we jump back when he swings it at us. He laughs maniacally and rushes off without another word, leaving us dumbfounded and a little scared.)

Employee: *whispers* “Don’t steal his idea, whatever you do…”