Sometimes, It’s Best To Put On A Show

Caller: “Hello, I would like to buy five tickets to the show on Saturday.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re sold out.”

Caller: “I know. I called before and heard the message. I also tried to buy tickets online, but it wouldn’t let me. I would like five tickets, please.”

Me: “We have no tickets available. We are sold out. That is why you couldn’t purchase them online.”

Caller: “Just because you are sold out doesn’t mean there aren’t more seats. There are always more seats!”

Me: “We have no more seats. We will have no more seats the night of the show. All of our seats are accounted for. I’m sorry, but we can’t help you at this time.”

Caller: “That’s bulls***! Give me five tickets. I have my credit card ready.”

Me: “Ma’am, regards of that fact, I still have no tickets to sell you. None.”

Caller: “Take my credit card number and give me the seats!”

Me: “Even if we had seats, I can’t process your card over the phone.”

Caller: “Well, we’re going to come to the theater on Saturday night and then you will HAVE to let us in!”

Me: “Please don’t. There will be no tickets, and we will turn you and your friends away. Please save yourself the trip. We would love to be able to accommodate everyone, but we have no more seats to sell. I’m really sorry that we can’t help you out. Let me check and see if there are any other burlesque shows happening that night that I would recommend giving a try.”

Caller: “Five seats, now!”

Me: “…Of the zero seats available?”

Caller: “Let me talk to the manager!”

Me: “The manager? Ma’am, I’m afraid I’m the only person there is to talk to.”

Caller: “There is ALWAYS a manager. Just because you don’t want to get in trouble for being a bad customer service person doesn’t mean I won’t keep calling back until I talk to your boss. MANAGER! NOW!”

(There really isn’t a manager I can put on the phone, so I put her on hold, wait about 30 seconds, and without changing or disguising my voice, continue the conversation.)

Me: “Hello? How can I help you?”

Caller: “Your employee is very rude and unhelpful.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. I will punish her terribly. What can I help you with?”

Caller: “I want to buy five tickets to the show on Saturday.”

Me: “An excellent choice! Our holiday show is one of the best Revues to come to. It’s such a shame that we’re completely sold out.”

Caller: “I want those secret extra tickets that theaters always have. I know you have them!”

(It’s clear that I’m not getting through to her, so I decide to improvise.)

Me: *whisper* “You want the extra tickets?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “The…secret ones?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t sell those to you.”

Caller: “Well, why not?!”

Me: “Somebody already bought them. In fact, they were so desperate to get them, they paid twice as much!”

(With that explanation, the caller suddenly becomes friendly, as if the rest of the conversation never happened.)

Caller: “Ooooh! D***, that sucks. Oh, well…thanks!” *hangs up*