Something Is Out Of Places

(Our tourist information centre is located within a mainline train station. As such, we have timetables for the railway line that we can give out to patrons. Most people just take them away to browse at their leisure.)

Customer #1: “Hi!”

Me: “Bore da, good morning! How can I help you today?”

Customer #1: “Hi, yeah. We want to go on the train.”

Me: “Okay, well, you’re in luck as we sell tickets here! Were you wanting to travel today, or later in the week?”

Customer #1: “We don’t know. Can you tell us what times the trains are going?”

Me: “Well, trains run roughly every two hours. Northbound trains run at converse hours to southbound trains.”

Customer #2: “Slow down a minute. Opposite hours?”

Me: “Yeah, so if the trains run roughly two-hourly – give or take ten minutes. One way is on the odd hours, so 9, 11, 1, 3, and 5 – the other way it’s 8, 10, 12, 2, 4, and 6.”

Customer #1: “I don’t get it. Can you write it down?”

Me: “I’ve got a printed timetable. Would you like that?”

Customer #1: “Sure, that’d be great. Thanks!”

Me: *hands customer a timetable*

Customer: *squints at timetable for a minute* “What does all this stuff MEAN?”

Me: “Well, this page is northbound trains, we’re here at [Town], and this page is southbound trains, and [Town] is here. So you just pick where you want to go from there really.”

Customer #2: “Sorry, but how does this help us find the train times?”

Me: “Well, the rows running directly to the destinations have times printed, so if you see here –” *pointing at [Town] again and moving my finger along the row* “– you’ve got 08:50, 10:05, 12:00, 13:55, 15:57, and 17:59.”

Customer #1: “So those numbers are times when trains go?”

Me: “Yep! You got it!” *beams widely*

Customer #2: “But what are all the words?”

Me: “These? These are destinations at which the trains may stop on their way to their destinations.”

Customer #2: “So are those like… train stations?”

Me: “They certainly are, sir!”

Customer #2: “In, like, towns or something?”

Me: “Towns or villages, yes.”

Customer #2: “Whoah! So the trains can, like, STOP there?”

Me: “Yes indeedy!”

Customer #1: “So if we wanted to, we could go on the train from [Town where we are] to [Random Other Town]?”

Me: “Certainly you could! You’d just need to hop on the next southbound train and you’ll be there in 35 minutes!”

Customer #2: “But how do you know how long it will take to get there?”

Me: “Well, on the timetable, the rows designate stops, and the columns represent the journey, so from [Town] to [Next Station Down] is seven minutes. If you follow this column  then you can see the times for the journey. [Other Town] that you asked about is six stops after [Town] on here, and the arrival time on this row here is 35 minutes after the departure time on this row here.”

Customer #2: “We don’t really get it.”

Me: “It might be easier if you decide when and where you want to travel, and we can print you a sheet with just your personal journey details on. That way you won’t have to worry about other times or destinations.”

Customer #1: “But we want to know about those other places. They’re all, like, PLACES places?”

Me: *not even sure at this point what ‘places places’ might mean to them* “Yes, sure they are!”

Customer #2: “Well, we’ll take this and see if we can get to grips with it later.” *waves timetable at me*

Me: “Okay, then. Well, I hope you have a pleasant holiday, and remember you can always pop in and see us during [opening hours] if you need more assistance!”

(They left. I went into the back to make a STRONG cup of tea.)