Someone’s On Drugs And It’s Not The Hamsters

(It’s a Friday evening and I’m running the store by myself. There are only 15 minutes until we close so I’m doing some cleaning.)

Customer: *enters screaming* “You’ve been lying to me!”

Me: *rather startled* “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: *still screaming* “You told me hamsters should eat hay and cat-litter!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve said no such thing. Perhaps you’ve talked to someone else?”

Customer: “No! I know it was you; you just don’t remember it because they give you drugs! The guards are on their way to arrest you!”

Me: “Sorry? Who gives us drugs?”

Customer: “Don’t play dumb! It’s those brothers!” *walks away towards the rodent aisle*

(I keep cleaning, thinking this is the end of it.)

Customer: *once again screaming* “There are drugs in these hamster treats! From South America! Why are you selling them?!”

(I walk up to the customer to see what she is talking about; she is currently holding a bag of hamster food I remember her hamster didn’t eat so she came back with it.)

Me: *thinking she have forgotten about it* “Ma’am, I recall you returning [Food] last time because he didn’t—”

Customer: *interrupts me* “SHUT THE H*** UP! I’M TALKING TO THE GUARDS! Your dog treats give you diarrhea!”

(I just shake my head and return to the register. A few minutes later the customer comes back to me.)

Customer: “[Our Store] are idiots! They said my hamster was a male, but she is a female! That’s why she will eat this food!”

Me: “We don’t sell hamsters.”

(I finish the transaction for the food and treats. Apparently, the fact that the treats will be drug-filled isn’t a problem now.)

Me: *as she is heading for the door* “Have a nice weekend!”

Customer: “You, too! I hope you get some dog treats; everybody likes cake!”

(Ah, the exciting work of a pet store employee.)