Some People Need To Stay At Arm’s Length

(It is late at night, and we are going back to our car after a long night. There are six of us: five have been best friends since high school and the sixth person is a new friend of ours. I’m considered a bit of an oddball and can get on people’s nerves, which the new person has made quite clear. We also happen to be walking through a very bad part of town.)

New Friend: “Ugh… you are so annoying! You should consider yourself lucky that we don’t ditch you somewhere.”

Friend #1: *to New Friend* “Dude, stop whining already. You’ve been at it all day.”

New Friend: “I’m just saying [My Name] needs to learn how to behave. I don’t know why you all keep him around.”

(At that moment a drunk stranger comes up and cops a feel of one of our female friends. The new friend, who is standing right next to her, backs away scared. I step up and grab the guy’s arm, lifting it up, with my best poker face.)

Me: “Ooh! I’ve been looking for an arm to add to my collection. Hope you don’t mind me taking yours!”

(The stranger freaks out and runs away. The new friend looks at me like I’m crazy.)

Friend #2: “And that is why we hang out with him. You can sit in the back, [New Friend]!”