Some Hot Takes On Fire Safety

My office tests its fire alarm systems every fortnight during office hours. I’ve never met our lead fire warden, but I love him.

Intercom: “Good afternoon. In five minutes, we will be conducting a test of the fire alarm evacuation system. As this is only a test, please stay in your seats. We are testing the alarm only today, so please stay where you are unless you have a headache and need to get a coffee right this minute.”

Intercom: “We are now testing the fire alarm evacuation system. At the first tone, you would pack up your belongings, secure sensitive materials, and prepare to evacuate.”

Intercom: “At the second tone, you would evacuate immediately. At the sound of this tone, you would evacuate to the assembly area and listen to the fire wardens for further instructions. Remember that upon reaching the assembly area, you need to locate your manager and inform them that you are there, or we will assume you are burning to death.”

Intercom: “At the sound of the third tone, it means that Santa Claus has entered the building. When you hear these jingling bells, you should hang your stocking over your cubicle and take a nap under your desk. We haven’t used this alarm yet, but I continue to hope!”