Some Guys Have Relationships With Their Couches

(When my partner gets sick, he has some weird thought patterns. This conversation happens as we’re lying in bed, close to sleep.)

Partner: “Wow! Your leg is so soft! Like a really soft couch.”

Me: “You could have said like a really soft anything, really.”

Partner: “There are some very soft couches, you know. If you were a couch, I would totally sit on you.”

Me: *starts laughing* “Aww, babe.”

Partner: “And I’d put a hole in you and… be delighted.”

Me: *crying with laughter*

Partner: “Prison mattress style love! But you make a prison mattress look like a cheap ugly prostitute…”

(And with that he fell asleep.)