Some Car Guys Are So Weird

I work at a small independent car dealership that does both sales and service and specializes in cars that are interesting and fun to drive. We mostly do Porsches, and we curate our inventory carefully.

A guy had an ad up for a Porsche 928 S located just a bit north of us. The ad hit all the right notes: it was enthusiast-owned, it had immaculate care with extensive records, it looked beautiful in the pictures except for some clear coat peeling on the bumpers (which affects basically 100% of these cars so it’s not a dealbreaker), and it had terrific options. If the car was the car it seemed like it could be, with some work, it could be a great inventory piece. Our sales manager asked the owner to come on by so we could check it out.

The car that pulled in was NOT the car in the ad. This wasn’t like when someone uses a ten-year-old picture on a dating app; it was LITERALLY not the same car. It didn’t have the same options and it wasn’t even an S. Also, it was a TOTAL basket case. There were whole swathes of paint missing, and when our lead tech (also a co-owner of the service center) said something about it, the guy answered:

Guy: “You just need to polish it to bring the color out!”

My dude, no amount of polishing will magically invent color where none exists — and if you think it can, how much do you really know about cars? For obvious reasons, after laying eyes on it, we had absolutely no interest in his car — so little, in fact, that we didn’t even bother taking it into the shop for an inspection.

The guy was aghast that we weren’t even remotely interested. He BEGGED our sales manager to make him an offer. He claimed he had other interested parties and we couldn’t miss out! The sales manager told him to sell it to one of them. When he finally accepted that it wasn’t going to happen, he got in the car to leave, cranked the engine… cranked the engine… and cranked the engine.

You guessed it: the car would not start. When this sank in for him, too, he got REALLY spicy. He started blaming our employees, claiming they broke his car! Nobody but him had touched it, but we MUST have done something. But he also kept insisting that we HAD to give him gas. Hum. Okay. First, what? Second, why on EARTH would we do ANYTHING for him that could actually give him grounds to say we tampered with his car when he was already accusing us?

A lot of yelling later, the sales manager kept him distracted while the lead tech called 911. 

Guy: “GOOD! Call the cops! I’ll tell them you broke my car! They’ll arrest you guys! I’ll call my lawyer and sue and put you out of business! You guys need to give me gas for my car that you broke!”

The lead tech finally asked him point-blank:

Lead Tech: “If it’s out of gas, how did I break it?”

Guy: “Well, if you can’t figure that out, you must not be a good Porsche tech!”

The cops came. Mysteriously, the guy calmed down significantly. After a medium-length conversation in which I could overhear one of the officers clearly getting exasperated with his lack of logic, they finally made him a deal: they’d give him some gas, and if his car still didn’t start, it could stay parked here while he waited for a tow truck, but the guy himself would have to wait OFF our property.

He agreed. They gave him some gas and the car started right up.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE!

We weren’t the only ones who noticed this totally predictable turn of events. One of the officers couldn’t resist saying:

Officer: “Oh, look, it started. I guess they DIDN’T BREAK YOUR CAR.”

Somehow, I don’t really think we’ll be hearing from his lawyer.