So THIS Is What Happens When You Do Your Taxes Drunk

I’m a paid tax preparer for a retail tax chain.

One day, I work for a client who is very, very drunk. He falls asleep at my desk during the tax interview. He stinks of alcohol — that sour, bitter scent of someone who’s been drinking a lot for a long time — and snores loudly like he might choke to death at any second from alcohol-induced apnea.

He’s got three years of W2s, but he filed with us last time he filed, and he has no children that he claims. It’s a very simple return for a first-year like me.

I enter his information and wake him up long enough to sign and pay — he wants his fees to come out of his refund — and then send him home.

He calls back the next day, very angry.

Client: “Why didn’t you do my taxes?!”

Me: “We… did your taxes.”

Client: “I don’t remember you doing my taxes!”

Me: “You were asleep.”

Client: “Well, why the h*** did you do my taxes while I was sleeping?!”

I don’t really have a good answer for that. I mostly did it because I felt like if I rejected him, it would become a bigger problem. He was large and had an angry and suspicious demeanor for the handful of minutes he was awake. So, I redirect it.

Me: “Do you want to know how much you’re getting back?”

Client: *Flatly* “How much?”

I tell him the number for the three years put together, federal plus state.

Client: *Cheerfully* “Well, d***, I need to get drunk before doing my taxes more often!”

He then hung up abruptly.

I, meanwhile, made a note in his file to never assign him to me again.