Snaking Out Of Doing Anything

| Romantic | May 17, 2017

(My boyfriend is over at my house, and has been helping me cut up ingredients for a stir-fry. I’m dredging tofu in corn-starch, the last thing to do before cooking, while my boyfriend tidies up and we chat. Suddenly, my cat comes through the cat door with a live snake in his mouth and immediately runs to bury the snake in the litter box.)

Me: “Hey! Get that snake away from him!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, it’s a snake.”

Me: “Well, grab the snake and take it outside!”

Boyfriend: “Where did he get a snake?”

(I’m still working on dinner, and my boyfriend is half as far from the cat and now just standing there with a blank look on his face.)

Me: “Are you gonna catch the f****** snake or not?!”

Boyfriend: “…”

(I dust my hands off, shoo the cat away, and retrieve the snake. It’s a little brown snake, about the size of an unsharpened pencil and probably less dangerous. I take it outside and then scrub the corn-starch and kitty litter off my hands in the kitchen sink. My boyfriend hasn’t moved an inch.)

Me: “Dude, you really dropped the ball on me this time.”

Boyfriend: “I’ve just never seen a snake… that… small…”

Me: “…what?”

Boyfriend: “When a rat snake gets in the garage I’ve carried ’em out on a shovel, but I couldn’t tell if it was dangerous or not. It was too small.”

Me: “A copperhead that long would’ve been about an inch wider, and even [Cat] isn’t stupid enough to mess with those. It was just a brown snake; they nest somewhere in the yard and I see them a lot.”

(We finished fixing dinner and got halfway through eating when he realized just how unhelpful he’d been. I love the guy but his brain turns itself off when something surprising and unexpected happens. I’m used to evicting wildlife from my house, and we get a lot of mileage out of “the snake incident” when hanging out with friends.)

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